Book Review – The Last Time I Wore A Dress

By Daphne Scholinski

By: Pat Anderson, Winter 2000 (1-29-2000)

Workshop: Supporting Gay, Lesbian, Bi-Sexual and Transgendered Youth. National-Louis University,  Instructor: Melissa Maguire                 

Scholinski, Daphne., with Meredith Adams. (1997).  The Last Time I Wore A Dress.  Riverhead Books: NY.

Before …

Daphne Scholinski was a local girl who grew up in several different communities around Chicago: Schaumburg, Roselle, and Lombard. She might have lived next door to any of us, she may have played with our children, or she might have actually been any of us.

 We are all aware of the basic gender rules that we so often take for granted. Most of us have internalized them so deeply that unless our consciousness’ are raised about just how strong they stringently limiting they are.  Daphne’s experience demonstrates just how far some people will go to enforce gender dictates.   

Only recently her mother told her that when she was an infant she was riding on a bus with her going over a bridge. Her mother looked over the rail and thought, “I could just throw her off the bridge.” Daphne responded with, “Oh, really,” as if she didn’t care. She remembers that everywhere she went she looked for people who might take her in. Learning this recently is a start in explaining why she might have spent years looking for a sense of home. 

She was restlessness in school, she wanted to skip ahead in books, but was told to keep quiet and follow along with the other kids. As far back as first grade a teacher told her to sit still and not roam around the room.  She’s not sure what happened, but around second grade she stopped feeling things. One time a teacher asked her to say something and asked whether or not she felt anything.  In response she slid her finger tip beneath a stapler and pressed down hard. It didn’t really hurt, but the teacher looked at her as if she was whacked.  She stopped raising her hand in class and when teachers called on her she acted as if she hadn’t heard them. It never occurred to her that they really wanted to hear what she had to say.

By the time she was in third grade her mother was considering suicide.  Her mother never told her with words, but she was always aware of it because her face was always very sad.  The sadness made her mind wander even while she looked you in the eye. She worried that she might come home from school and find her mother dead. Her third grade teacher, Miss Martin, liked her. She said she thought she was a sad child and sent her to a school counselor, Mrs. Stein.  When they played a career game with the school counselor Daphne choose the policeman and construction worker. This was the first time the gender thing came up. Mrs. Stein told her she thought she wanted to be a boy.  Daphne didn’t really know if she wanted to be a boy, but she did like to go shirtless in the summer and play rough. She hit harder than all the boys so why would she want to be one? She wasn’t inspired by compliments on how pretty she looked when her parents tried to get her into frilly clothes. She couldn’t wait to get back into the tee shirts and jeans that left her free to run.

She remembers going to the bathroom in a grocery store with her father. As she walked out a balding clerk grabbed her and with a look of hatred on his face hauled her over to her father saying, “We found your son in the women’s bathroom.”  He father said, “that’s not my son,” and explained to the clerk that she was a girl. The clerk apologized to my father, but no one apologized to her. Everything felt bad inside at that moment and lumped together into the fact that she didn’t look right.  This kind of event happened many more times. After the first episode her father would simply slap her hand and say, “Bad boy, I told you to stop doing that.”  She didn’t know what to think of that.

As far back as she could remember she had a powerful sense of her badness and feeling powerless to redeem herself.  When she was very young her parents made it clear they would just as soon she go off by herself and not bother them. Her mother told her after age eight a child should be on their own. She says her badness grew out of boredom. She cut school, stole gold chains and cans of Dinty Moore stew. She recalls girls at school pinning her to the ground and forcing red lipstick on her and then laughing. The school social worker told her she was wrecking her family and if her bad behavior kept getting all the attention, her parents might loose her little sister Jean. She knew she was bad, but she wasn’t crazy.

She was kicked out of Sullivan High School for threatening to blow up the math teacher’s car because he insulted her mother. She knows she would never have done it. A therapist then said she needed a more disciplined environment, so she was sent to live with her father and his girlfriend. A high school counselor gave her the MMPI and told her father that she was out of control and had a criminal mind. He believed it without doubt. Her mother’s initial concerns were escalating fights, stealing, deteriorating school work, truancy, and involvement with drugs and alcohol,  all of which got worse after her parents separated. The final straw for her mother was when she felt provoked to hit her. On June twenty third nineteen eighty one, a therapist at the Northwest Mental Health Center recommended she be sent away for long term psychiatric treatment. Her mother’s response was, “What else can we do? I can’t handle Daphne.” Her father said, “ She’s out of control.”

Daphne went through extended evaluations at the Doyle Center in January of nineteen eighty one. The conclusion was that she was confused about her role in the family and in family structure, she was responding to unclear expectations, responsibilities and rules, and was struggling to set up a structure for herself. Much of her behavior was thought to be directed at attention seeking, and for appropriate feedback about limit setting.  The behavior problems went into the classroom as well, and it was postulated that she was carrying much of her family’s anger; they speculated that patterns of violence from her parents families of origin were continuing through Daphne. 

Michael Reese Hospital

Daphne recalls leaving Arlington Heights Illinois with her father on September 10, nineteen eighty one. They shared a silent ride along I-90 to Michael Reese hospital. She was fourteen and her father had been physically abusing her. She always knew he wanted a quiet, obedient daughter like her younger sister Jean. Her mother told her that her father was never the same after he came back from Viet Nam. He had experienced a bloody incident where his fellow soldiers were blown to bits, his back was broken, and filled with shrapnel. He had lost the ability to warm up to his wife and later her mother used this to explain why he was abusive to her. 

Her father knew exactly where and why he was taking her to Michael Reese, but she had been told they were merely on an exploratory mission to the psyche ward. It had actually already been decided that she would be admitted. At age fourteen, she had no idea she was on her way in with no way out.   

When her parents got divorced her mother moved to Rogers Park in Chicago.  Her mother didn’t know her father was hitting her. Her mother became involved in parties, marijuana, and arguing over foreign films. Her mother never noticed her involvement with a man named Frank who carried a handgun under his arm and in an ankle holster. He said he was a hit man. At thirteen she didn’t know it was possible to say no to a man with a gun, especially one who was nice to her.  She has a clear memory of being naked in his bathtub and his large thing in her hand. She thought about this as she rode up in the elevator at Michael Reese – with her background, perhaps Michael Reese was a stab of hope.

Once in Michael Reese she saw Dr. Browning, who she called Dr. Sigmund Fraud when she got bolder. She never liked doctors because of their condescending attitude. He made her feel like she was a specimen he could study. As she told him about her father beating her and her mother not wanting her around, he just scribbled away.  She exaggerated her use of drugs and alcohol because she knew doctors liked to hear about youth and drugs. She asked what her diagnosis was, knowing it was a major deal.  It was like being a Disciple or a Latin King, it was your identity in the hospital. When a doctor looked at you he saw your diagnosis, not you. He told her she had multiple diagnoses: Conduct Disorder, Mixed Drug Abuse, and Gender Identity Disorder, Grade 3. He explained that this meant she wasn’t an appropriate female

She didn’t mind being called a delinquent, a truant, a hard kid who smoked, drank, and ran around with a knife in her sock,  but she didn’t like being called something she wasn’t.  The gender screw-up thing wasn’t cool. It meant the boys in Little League who called her tomboy, and the girls who pinned her down and forced lipstick on her were right, she was a freak, she was … not normal.  Dr. Browning’s labeling her was worse because it made it official and meant that every mean thing that had ever happened to her was her fault, because of this gender thing.  She knew she walked tough, sat with her legs apart, and didn’t defer to men or boys, but she was a girl in the only way she knew how to be. She was now aware that this matter was settled and that anything she said now would be put in her chart as defensive behavior.  It was also noted that she was unhappy, frightened, with a great deal of secondary depressive affect, primitive rage, a permissive superego, and grandiose expectations.

The mental health professionals at Michael Reese also diagnosed her family. They said her parents weren’t able to establish limits, there were several psycho-social stressors with the parent’s separation, and they emotionally abandoned Daphne. 

So … she spent endless days watching one soap opera after the next.  Units 3 West and 3 East were scary because of the older people who were predictors of her future if she didn’t behave. There was a woman in a wheelchair who would defecated and urinated on herself, there were adults who just stared in to space, there were pacers and screamers, and patients who thought they were someone famous. She found it interesting that none of the crazy people knew they were insane. She’d sit around thinking, I’m so sane in comparison to these people, and then a flicker of thought would enter her brain, maybe she didn’t know she was insane? They don’t know they’re insane, so why should she know, maybe she wasn’t aware that she was walking around saying she’s Patsy Cline?

The nurses let the patients borrow the DSM-third edition (the bible of psychiatric diagnosis) when they got bored. Patients would laugh about the various diagnosis. She never told the other patients about the gender thing, she only mentioned the conduct disorder. They even placed bets on being able to get a new diagnosis added to their charts (which they also had easy access to).  You did have to be careful though, not go too far.  Having anorexia added or multiple personality was one thing, but you had to limit hallucinations or you’d end up with big time drugs. She doubts if they had looked up Gender Identity Disorder that anyone would have tried to fake that and get it on their chart. They knew the rules, pacing, screaming, hallucinating, and vomiting were ok, but a boy with a scarf in his hair, or a girl like her, who wore only jeans and a tee shirt and who felt uncomfortable in a dress, were not ok.  The doctors came up with the idea of her being, “an inappropriate female” – that her mouthy ways were a sign of a deep unease with her female nature. If she learned about eyeliner and foundation she’d be better off. 

Once she was locked up she lost interest in having a meaningful conversation with her parents. Her mother didn’t care at all whether she wore make up or girly clothes. Her father would have liked to see her hair tied back with a pink barrette, but it wasn’t his main concern – he wanted her out of the house before the violence between them exploded.  Once a counselor asked her father if he had any questions about her treatment. This was at a time she had already experienced a suicide attempt, had a guard hold her down with his foot on her head and had another patient run his hands over her body when she was forced to sleep in restraints. (There was also her legacy from home which led to her flinching if anyone came too close.) The one question her father asked the counselor was, “Can you tell me, why she won’t wear a dress?”    

Her psychiatrist labeled her problem as, “failure to identify as a sexual female.”  Her treatment goals included: becoming more obsessive about boys, becoming skilled with makeup, dressing like a girl, curling and styling her hair, and learning “girl things” with other teenage or young adult patients. The hospital used a current in vogue label called, Gender Identity Disorder. This sentence meant that instead of living a normal  high school student’s life, Daphne faced: frequent doses of sedating drugs, seclusion, physical restraint, and being locked away with people who really were crazy

Daphne actually lost points if she came out of her room in the mental ward without makeup and feathered hair.  She also got points for affirmations such as, “I like my blue eye shadow,” “I love looking pretty.”  Without points she couldn’t go to the dining room, or walk from her classroom back to the unit without an escort; without points her teacher would hand her off to an attendant whose manner and tone of voice communicated to her that he thought it was pathetic that a girl didn’t have enough points to travel one hundred feet alone. The staff was consumed with evaluating how well she adopted femininity, including the way she walked, the way she combed her hair, and how she related to males. She hated either choice, but a half moon of eye shadow was her best choice so she did it. To this she said, “This was how I learned what it means to be a woman.”  About this she asked, “Ever lied to save yourself? Ever been so false, your own skin is your enemy?”

Daphne says, “ … one might say, these are trivial matters, but they’re trivial matters in which the soul reveals itself.” She asked us to try changing these things. Try it: wear an outfit that is utterly foreign, a narrow skirt when what you prefer is a loose shift of a dress, or torn-up black jeans when what you like are pin-stripped wool trousers.  See how far you can contradict your nature. Feel how your soul rebels.” 

She couldn’t count on her parents to visit or even call when she was hospitalized. She told one nurse, Kay, of feeling depressed and abandoned after her mother didn’t show up for the third time, her father lied about trying to call her, and she was worried because couldn’t contact her little sister.  She often told this nurse she needed mothering and tenderness and that she hoped she would adopt her.

When she told her therapist about her mother’s violent boyfriend from Iraq and how he was threatening to kill the family if her mother didn’t go to Iraq with him they, marked in her chart – paranoid thinking.  Soon after that he did try to kill her mother, but she narrowly escaped. He was later in the front page for hijacking an airplane and threatening to kill the stewardess.

One roommate, Francine, got shock treatments. She tried to get her out of them and actually succeeded until they got wise and separated them. You did have to be careful because you knew they had the power to perform those shock treatments on you too.

She had been sent downstairs to 2 West where the hallways smelled of urine, vomit and, unwashed armpits when she got fresh with a counselor. The patients looked as if their bodies and minds had been separated so long that all communication had been broken down.  Skewed clothes, wild hair, faces twisted with all the terror that wanted to spill out. The first time she experienced this unit she thought, “This is how the outside world sees me: insane.”  2 West meant plastic silverware, no shoelaces and seclusion. No one slept well there and if your own anxiety didn’t keep you awake someone else’s did.  One time while she waited for the three big male guards to take her up to 2 West she ran in the bathroom and covered herself with baby oil.  Eventually they caught her and a nurse shot her with Thorazine. Despite being aware of the inevitability of being caught, she like the free feeling of running away. She says it felt similar to when she ran from her father as he yielded his belt.

Her counselor and psychiatrist had continually tried to get her to wear a dress, but she kept refusing. On 2 West there was no choice, a dress  was the seclusion garb – a hospital gown was all you were allowed to wear.  The seclusion room was nine square feet of whiteness except for a yellow mattress on the floor. This was the last time she wore a dress.   In seclusion she had to be escorted to the bathroom with a male guard. She can’t even describe how she felt when she had her period.  She learned to hold her pee for very long times and as a result developed many urinary tract infections.

Escape was something patients talked about a lot. It was a sign of sanity; it was a statement, I am not one of these people, I am not a mental patient.  She was restricted from art therapy once because she painted a ceramic dog plaid, with thin blue and red lines. They only allowed to let her back when she agreed to do art in an acceptable manner.  

After six months, Michael Reese decided to discharge Daphne because of the unworkable situation with her parents, who lacked cooperation, and Daphne’s continued non-compliance with hospital rules and staff limits. Dr. Browning told her the only way she could stay was if her parents became involved and they refused. The struggle to develop a working alliance prevented actual treatment. Daphne became so depressed when she learned of the decision she had to be on suicide watch for a few days.  She felt the hospital was kicking her out. She thought, “… who gets kicked out of a mental hospital?”  Her parents said they were coming to family sessions at the hospital, but the hospital told her they weren’t cooperating. Her parents said the psychiatrist told them she was way out of control, disruptive to the unit, and that the hospital couldn’t help her because she was too far gone. There was also some question in her mind about whether the insurance money had run out. Even the craziest of patients wasn’t kicked out of a mental hospital. She thought she must be psycho and not even know it. The art therapist told her that her parents lacked the commitment to care for her – what she heard was worthless trash.

Forest Hospital

In April, nineteen eighty two, after seven months at Michael Reese, she was transferred to Forest Hospital In Des Plaines, Illinois.  Her presenting problems there were: depression, substance abuse, childhood physical abuse by her father, doing poorly in school, stealing, lying, running away. Their notes said she presented herself in a tomboyish manner.  Although she had highly exaggerated her substance abuse, she was placed in a substance abuse unit. The admissions counselor writing up the admission information ended by saying, “At this point it is difficult to see any assets that might be present.” She later realized that bragging to an admissions counselor about drug abuse in a hospital that had a nut house ward and a drug and alcohol rehabilitation unit that advertised, “we get results,” was like making a bomb joke at an airport.

Rehab had several things going for it. Drug users were chic, far more chic than the mental patients, and her non-drug problem was a distraction from what she anxiously wanted to avoid – the gender screw up thing. Another appeal of rehab was that she wanted to be a drug addict because it seemed like a blanket of forgiveness. It was a disease, it wasn’t her fault, and it would absolve her parents from blame. It was a lot more understandable and easier to explain to the world than, my daughter won’t wear a dress, my mother doesn’t want me around, my father beats me, and she’s plain out of control.  She thought she could act the part of an addict. She could do this to deal with her feeling of being the biggest mental hospital drop out in history.   

Eye contact was very important in rehab. The doctors and the counselors are not really interested in what you think, they want you to give them the right answers so they can walk away smiling and pleased with the progress they’ve instigated. She wasn’t about to give the right answers. The truth was she’d tried drugs with her gang friends in Rogers Park, but they just hadn’t done it for her.  When she got to the AA meeting she wasn’t able to say, I’m Daphne and I’m an alcoholic and a drug addict. She could justify lying to the doctors, but not the other patients.  As she heard all their sad stories she thought she didn’t have the drugs as an excuse for her behavior so it must be her badness that made her the way she was. When she finally admitted in one AA meeting that she wasn’t an alcoholic the counselor wrote on her chart, massive denial

She was the youngest patient on rehab, she wasn’t really an addict, and the patients here weren’t having any fun. They needed a few good screamers. She missed the patients at Michael Reese, she missed nurse Kay’s smile, Danny’s deep voice singing a Luther Vandross ballad, Jesus with his lengthy plans for the apostle’s reunion, Heather writing notes to her – at least these patients had liked her. She got herself transferred out of the rehab unit by pretending to be anorexic.

During a family session a counselor asked her mother, “It seems to me Daphne is looking for a mother. Is there enough room in your life for a mother-daughter relationship?” Her mother said, “No.” She wouldn’t cry in front of her mother, she wouldn’t cry, even lying in her bed at night her eyes stayed dry.

Dr. Browning said she was not appropriate, she hated him for that. However, she did feel different. She remembered roller skating with a girl, no one in particular, a blend of all of them, their hair flying loose and the tingle in her stomach. She knew if anyone found out she liked to roller skate with a girl she’d be locked up in the psycho ward forever. She wrote in her journal that she was tired of trying to tell them the truth about not drinking because they didn’t believe her anyway. She decided to play the game the way they (staff) wanted her to.  She added a p.s. – I think I like girls.

She knew the staff read her journal because she read it in her chart a few days later. She feared that this knowledge meant the staff would have something on her.  She also tried suicide while she was there by taking Sea Breeze and lighter fluid. She wanted to simply disappear.  She couldn’t find a place for any aloneness that she could escape to. There was no privacy.

She couldn’t stay at Forest Hospital because they specialized in short term treatment and the doctors said she needed long term. She was transferred to the Wilson Center in Minnesota. Her father was freaked out about trying to get her accepted into the Wilson Center. She’d have to go through four days of interviews to see if they would accept her. Her father told her, “This is really important. You’ve got to get into Wilson, do you understand?” He seemed like a deranged parent trying to get his kid into the best prep school. She’s have to wow them with her mental illness.  Dr. Freeman said if she didn’t get into Wilson they might be able to keep her at here for three years. She thought she would be able to tolerate the makeup and hair routine because it was short term, but the thought of it for three years made her think she’d fall apart. That’s what had led her to decide she’d rather be a drug addict than run around with crap on her face.

The Wilson Center

On June 14th, 1982, she went to the Wilson Center in Minnesota. Wilson Center was a residential facility in the middle of a corn field and was specifically for teens. They had their own small rooms and lived more like other teens. It was not totally a hospital environment. They could drive around town and have beer parties as long as they were behaving reasonably well. She had her first best friend (female) relationship while she was there. The staff tried to separate them because they assumed it was sexual, but later relented and let them be friends.

She felt a lot of the staff liked her here, which especially shocked her parents. Staff even let her do new patient orientation. Because of her past experience with mental facilities she could honestly tell them that at least you could have some fun here.  No one here tried to get her to be feminine and her best friend had even referred to her as normal  which she said made her feel changed inside just to hear the words.  After her best friend tried to commit suicide twice Dr. Madison told her, “We feel there is a pathological aspect to your pairing off with a female patient who has had two suicide attempts.” With nine adults surrounding her – what response was appropriate?  All she could say was, “She’s my friend.”  She knew what pathological meant. It meant sick. Like Frank, who had steered her hand to his zipper, creepy men, and like Gloria a childhood babysitter who made her feel icky when she lifted her tee shirt up. They were saying she was like them – a sicko. Once in trying to convince her best friend’s psychiatrist that they weren’t physical she said the thought of being physical with a woman turned her stomach. The psychiatrist responded, “When something turns my stomach, I find that exciting.”  

The psychotic made life interesting. One boy Peter’s mind was full of facts, dates, state capitals, wars won, treaties signed. The psychotics were ok one on one, but in group therapy they were scary. She was raped by a fellow patient, but didn’t even tell her therapist because she knew she would have asked her why she didn’t want to have sex with a cute boy like him.

While at Wilson she and some other patients were allowed to attend regular high school classes at the local high school. They got a chance to mix with the normals. This was cool except that everyone knew you were a mental patient. 

Her insurance ran out on August 5 (her eighteenth birthday), she was discharged August 10th nineteen eighty four.  Dr. Madison told her everything was in remission, except for the gender thing.  After she was out for awhile she wondered why they didn’t treat her depression, why no one noticed she’d been sexually abused, and why the doctors didn’t believe she came from a physically violent home? The only thing they focused on was her not being feminine enough. The shame is that the effects of depression, sexual abuse, and violence were all treatable – where she landed on the feminine/masculine continuum was not. When she was in college no one wanted to hear about her experience in mental hospitals. She doesn’t know how to explain that she’s an ex-mental patient who never had a mental illness. There’s no use insisting you’re not crazy. All ex-mental patients are lumped together schizophrenics, manic-depressives, whatever.

Eventually she got to tell her story to an audience who wanted to hear it. The International Gay and Lesbian Human Rights Commission paid her way to go to the United Nations Fourth World Conference on Women in China. After she spoke she got the only standing ovation of the day.

Daphne has now gone to graduate school to study art and has found it to be her life saver. In one of her first art classes the assignment was to create a life-size self portrait. She built a wooden box, one foot square. Then she put in sand and dumbbells that equaled her weight. All of her one hundred thirty pounds crammed into this box. Her professor was ecstatic and told her she had found her place and to keep creating.  She’s created over three thousand paintings and actually earns a living at it today. Today she lives in San Francisco with her partner.   

Her treatment, in girly lessons, in three mental hospitals over three years (1981-1984) cost one million dollars and resulted in a high school diploma from a psychiatric facility for adolescents (she never shows this to anyone). At this cost she ponders whether they might have called in Vidal Sassoon instead of using other teen mental patients as tutors.

Frightening, she was released in nineteen eighty four, only sixteen years ago. I had no idea this type of treatment was taking place in our country. Recent 20/20 episodes have portrayed Daphne’s and another teenage girl’s stories of being put away in mental hospitals for being different, not being feminine enough, or for being gay. Thank God, only sixteen years later, I’m actually able to take a workshop called, Supporting Gay, Lesbian, Bi-Sexual and Transgendered Youth. A brief look back can brilliantly illuminate the progress that has been made.

Lesbian Interracial Relationships: Getting Beyond Differences?

Pat Anderson 

Divided Sisters: African American and European American Women

MLS, 468, Spring 1997

Instructor: Midge Wilson

Abstract

            Few relationships are as complex as those between Black and White women in lesbians relationships. In many senses, they “have it all.” They may embody issues of race, class, ethnicity, and religiosity, as well  the lesbian butch-femme identities, and individual personalities of the women involved. The challenges they face have much to teach those of us struggling to de-internalize the multiple societal barriers that keep us estranged from one another. Society as a whole could be served by engaging in public discourse and reflective thought in regard to the experiences of these women. In this paper, I include perspectives taken from interviews with interracial lesbian couples, American On-Line survey results, current literature on the topic, and insights into how therapists might become informed and sensitized to the unique struggles that interracial lesbian couples face in forming such relationships. I will also touch lightly on the moral implications involved from a feminist ethical perspective. I hope to shed light on what life is like for lesbians in interracial relationships, and  what can society as a whole can learn from their experiences. Finally, as a future feminist counselor, I am also interested in how I what I might learn from these women that will enhance my ability to help them and all future clients.

Lesbian Interracial Relationships: Getting Beyond Differences?

            When lesbians become romantically involved with women of different colors, cultures, classes, and ethnicities, they not only face the challenge of getting along with one another as human beings, they also bring with them multiple dimensions of our society’s issues with difference. As a result, lesbians involved in romantic interracial relationships, face problems in “living happily ever after” that leap far beyond what a White or Black, heterosexual, working or middle class couple could even imagine dealing with. It’s common knowledge that heterosexual couples fail quite often at “living happily ever after.” The bridges that need to be gaped among these couples is complex and profound.

            One major difference between homosexual and heterosexual communities is that lesbians and gay men have organizations to bring different racial and ethnic groups together for purposes of support and socializing. A lesbian group that I’m familiar with is called Women of All Colors and Cultures Together. The gay male counterpart is called Men of All Colors Together. 

            According to Midge Wilson and Kathy Russell (1996), interracial sexuality is more common between lesbians than between heterosexuals. Just being a lesbian challenges a major taboo. Once you’ve challenged one major taboo challenging others isn’t as big a deal (Wilson & Russell, 1996). I interviewed seven women who are in or who have been involved with women of another race. I wanted to know the stories of their lives together. I started the in person interviews by asking them about their experiences with race as they were growing up and progressed on to family and friend issues, how they did or did not discuss their differences, and how they perceived their differences. I wondered what it was about them or their life experiences that allowed them to love across the societal gap.    

Annie & Pat

            Annieand Pat are a forty-something year old mixed-race couple who have been together for eighteen years. Annie is White and Pat is Black. When I initially called to ask about doing the interview Annie said Pat would probably talk to me about it. She didn’t know what to say about it. When Pat called me back she said she would love to talk about it. Before I could begin to explain the interview she asked, “Why is it when our group gets together I’m always the only Black” (Pat, 1997)? I sensed she thought I might have an answer. 

            I asked them about what they learned as kids about racism. Annie remembers a neighbor, affectionately called “Nigger Marie” who, to Annie’s mother shock, took her food out on the back porch and placed it on newspaper, the first time she had dinner at their house. She told Annie’s shocked mother that that’s what other White folks expected of her. Annie still speaks to Marie today (Annie, 1997). Pat said that some Whites have Blacks eat on paper plates and use plastic silverware in their homes (Pat, 1997). 

            Annie’smother once took ina homeless Black woman named Rebecca.  When she began to have trouble breathing and wouldn’t go the hospital, Annie’s mom called the police. Her mother was shocked because the police assumed that a Black person would be kept in the basement, never in the bedroom. By the time the police got to Rebecca was dead (Annie, 1997).  Annie’s mother taught her a precious lesson about interracial family values. 

            Pat’s mother worked for a White family. She cleaned a house where the parents lived on the first floor and the daughter and son-in-law lived on the second floor. She was allowed to eat with the parents, but not with the daughter and son-in-law. She learned it was possible to hold very different race values, even within one household (Pat, 1997). 

            Bringing White friends home was normal for Pat. She was with mostly White people until fourteen and was one of four Blacks that began integration in her high school. She didn’t see differences between White and Black families, or people in general, until she was in her twenties. She hung around with a racially mixed group in college and didn’t feel different within her group, they all just did things together (Pat, 1997). Both Annie and Pat deny being raised with prejudice or racism (Annie & Pat, 1997), an amazing feat in our racist society. Stories like these leave indelible impressions upon a child’s mind. Impressions that could be viewed as seeds planted that would allow for the blooming of a loving interracial relationship.

            Annie and Pat say they’ve never discussed race and still don’t (Annie & Pat, 1997). Annie says that she and her son don’t see color so it wasn’t mentioned in their home. The first time Annie realized Pat was Black was when a kid called her nigger lover (Annie, 1997). Patsays there’s no bad word for Whites that comes near to being equivalent to the “n” word. Whites can save it as a stored weapon to use if the need arises (Pat, 1997).

            Pat says the children in Annie’s family didn’t call her by name, until very recently they just called her auntie. Within Black culture you don’t call someone aunt or uncle if they’re not really related. Pat knows this is not a custom with Whites, but in the South calling someone auntie without attaching their name is degrading. Annie’s Aunt Teresa and her nephew have repeatedly told Pat, “You’re too nice to be Black” (Pat, 1997).

            Pat has never felt accepted by Annie’s sister Tina. But she was recently surprised when Tina went out of her way to see that Pat got one of the holy cards from Annie’s father funeral (Pat, 1997). Annie’s niece Georgia sent a Christmas card every year for eighteen years to Annie and her son, but not to Pat. Pat says it’s Georgia’s issue, not hers. She has no desire to get back at her. Annie’s sister Rose (Georgia’s mother) is Pat’s boss at work. Pat says it’s Rose’s problem if she’s racist. She’s not uncomfortable about Rose’s racism, she pretends and says she accepts Rose. Pat loves Annie’s cousins, but they don’t talk about race (Pat, 1997). How sad that bits of acceptance took sixteen or seventeen years to come out.

            Annie said her neighbors initially didn’t speak to them after Pat moved in, but after awhile they did speak. There have always been Mexicans in the area, but there’s more Blacks now (Annie, 1997). Pat said they got a lot of negativity from other lesbians about their relationship lasting because of race. At the time they were dating there were a lot fights going on in the lesbian bars between Hispanic and White women. This was confusing because many of these women were dating each other. When Black and Whites were dating it was more likely that the Black woman would be attacked, claiming she was “selling out”. When Hispanics were dating White women the White women were more likely to be accused or attacked for being in the relationship (Pat, 1997).

            Pat said Black women didn’t understand her interracial relationship. Black culture doesn’t understand, they think you have to give up something. Pat is very strong about not giving up friends at the beginning of relationships, as lesbians frequently do (Pat, 1997). Pat came out to her mother once and her mother simply told her not to tell her father. They don’t talk about her being gay (Pat, 1997).   

            Compared to White lesbians, Black lesbians face even greater hate within their communities, as a result they need a great deal of support from one another (Wilson & Russell, 1996). As I see it, Pat has had to given up something of vital importance – other Black women. It could  be argued that  Black women are additionally oppressed when they focus their lives within White culture because of interracial relationships.  

        Pat has only been with White women. In nineteen seventy two there weren’t many Black women in the lesbian bars. Before she met Annie,Pat had only dated one Black women and they were never sexual. One White woman did break up with her because of racial problems. Pat’s first lover was a White woman, Arlene (the same one I interviewed, they’re good friends today), who she met in college. She dated White women because that’s just who she met (Pat, 1997). When I tried to discuss sexual experience with Annie she said laughingly that Pat is her, “first and last Black woman” (Annie, 1997).

        Pat recently talked with her a very old friend Connie, who is  White, about race. She said, “White people just don’t get it about race.” At times she might not want to go somewhere because of race, but she doesn’t say anything. She’s in a weird kind of spot because she talks back now that she’s older. If she knows there will be someone in a group who might say something racist she has to struggle with being nice for her friends and not say anything. Her recent instinct is to talk back, but it’s a touchy situation. She feels if people are nervy enough to ask her rude questions and say rude things about her race they should accept her response. She’s never really comfortable, unless she knows people personally, otherwise you feel like you’re walking on eggs. Her partner  and her best friend Connie don’t understand how she feels when she’s the only Black person in a social setting (Pat, 1997).

            Perhaps because Annie doesn’t see race and because Pat feels that White women “just don’t get it,” Annie and Pat didn’t come up with any advantages in being in an interracial relationship. Another aspect involved is the butch-femme identity issue. Annie seems to be the stereotypical soft butch, she’s more quiet and reserved. Like many husbands I’ve encountered, when I initially called she deferred the issue of talking to Pat. Pat seems very femme. She talks constantly and openly about her feelings. I wonder about personal and political power issues that might be involved here too. 

Dawn & Shirley

            Dawn and Shirley have been together for twenty seven years. Despite still living together, they have considered themselves broken up for about a year now. They still live together for financial reasons, they own a home together and Dawn is living on disability (Dawn & Shirley, 1997). Dawn is White, in her early fifties and grew up in Italian, Polish, and Mexican neighborhood. Her father had Black friends, but spoke openly about his racism. Her brother has adopted her father’s racism. Dawn’s mom’s best friend, Eleanor Harris, was Black and was at their house all the time. Dawn once had a “Black Angel” who supported her when she was the only White nurse’s aid at a psychiatric facility for the retarded. She described herself as a humanitarian (Dawn, 1997). 

            ShirleyisBlack, in her mid-forties and came from a small Black farm town in Tennessee. She remembers being friends with some Whites, but didn’t go to grammar school with Whites. When she was five she spent an entire summer playing with a local White girl. When  the girls’ father returned to the family, the girl told her, “I can’t play with you anymore cause you’re a nigger.” Most of Shirley’s experience was with Black people until her freshman year of high school when she was bussed to a White school, which was extremely difficult (Shirley, 1997).

            Dawn and Shirley have only spoken about race where their families were concerned. They’ve not spoken to their families about race or about being lesbians (Dawn & Shirley, 1997). Dawn has always felt a kinship with Blacks. She deals with people individually (Dawn, 1997). Shirleyfelt a kinship with Whites too, but says she’s very shy and people have always come to her. Who ever approached her was pretty much OK with her (Shirley, 1997). (Shirley had a hard time contributing to this interview because Dawn was much a more assertive speaker).

            Shirley didn’t meet any of Dawn’s family for about three to four years because they feared their reaction. Interracial issues weren’t discussed. Dawn hasn’t seen most of her family over the last twenty seven years and says, “I don’t give a damn.” Shirley was easily accepted by Dawn’s mother and step-father. Dawn’s mother loved Shirley and said so on her death bed (Dawn, 1997).

            Last summer Dawn reconnected with one of her sisters after being estranged for eight years. She visited her in Ohio. Dawn invited her to their home, but she admitted that she wouldn’t be comfortable staying there because Shirley was Black. While at her sister’s Dawn had an encounter with her previously estranged brother Rich who had taken over her father’s role as “head bigot”. He asked her, “Are there a lot of niggers in Chicago”? Despite being very angry, she maintained her cool, and used her tongue to slice his cruelty to bits. She felt very powerful telling him never to say racist things to her again. She knew she was successful because he shut up the rest of the visit (Dawn, 1997). 

            During last summer’s visit her sister asked if she was gay. She admitted that she was and her sister said the family always knew (Dawn, 1997). I reminded Dawn that when I first met them I used the word lesbian in their house and she got up and closed all the windows. I pointed out the change in her attitude and she said after surviving two brain surgeries she thinks differently about being who she really is (Dawn, 1997).  

            Despite Shirley’s family knowing that she’s lived with Dawn for twenty five years, she’s not told them she’s gay. She’s waiting for them to ask her about it, when they ask she’ll know they’re ready to know. I suggested that they might be doing the same thing. She smiled and agreed ( Shirley, 1997).

            Dawn worried a great deal about what would people think of her relationship with Shirley. She was very afraid they wouldn’t accept Shirley, so to be sure Shirley wouldn’t be hurt by them, she dropped her friends. Many years later when she reunited with one of her best friends the woman asked Dawn, “Why didn’t you give me the opportunity to accept Shirley?” After finally getting to know Shirley, the woman felt she had missed out on being friends with her all these years (Dawn, 1997). 

            When Shirley moved to Chicago from Tennessee she didn’t have any friends and since Dawn was her first woman lover, she didn’t know any lesbians either. Shirley regrets that they didn’t have had the advantage of developing friends from many cultures. They had only a very small group of friends, leaving them very isolated with walls around them all these years (Shirley, 1997).

            Shirley was Dawn’s first Black woman lover (Dawn, 1997). Dawn is Shirley’s first female lover (Shirley, 1997). Dawn brought up the fact that because she was Shirley’s boss when they met and because she was twelve years older, today their relationship might be labeled sexual harrassment (Dawn, 1997). 

        At some point during the interview Dawn said that she made the decisions while Shirley sat around looking good (Dawn, 1997). A week later in a phone conversation with Shirley, she revealed her anger at Dawn for saying this and for monopolizing the interview (Shirley, 1997). Dawn was also in a position of power due to her White privilege, Shirley’s lack of  friends for support, it being Shirley’s first lesbian experience, and because Dawn was much more assertive. Dawn also appears to be stereotypically butch.

            LaJaunessee

            LaJaunessee is a Black lesbian in her forties who has dated several White women. Her first memory of racism was when her grandmother referred the insurance man as “Peckerwood”. She has no idea what this means, but she knew it was derogatory toward White men. This was the first time she became aware of any conflict between Whites and Blacks. She also learned that Whites always take Blacks money. Her grandmother had worked for White families who told her, “niggers don’t use the front door, they go to the back.” She has many memories of being called “nigger” by White children and adults alike (LaJaunessee, 1997).

        LaJaunessee talked about race in some of her relationships with White women. She and one White women watched racial things on television and then talked about it. She told her White lover what she went through being Black, the woman’s response was, “that’s awful” (LaJaunessee, 1997). She‘s also experienced covert racism with White lovers. For example, when one White woman she was dating couldn’t find her watch, she had a very strong feeling that her lover thought she took it. She doubts that she would have felt suspected her had her lover not been White. She also recalls walking by a Laundromat with a White lover who told her that it had been robbed by Black man. She thought to herself, “Why not a man, just a man robbed the laundromat (LaJaunessee, 1997)?

        LaJaunessee says she only brought White friends and Black lovers around her family because they’re not OK about interracial dating. There are other gay family members and when a male cousin dated a transsexual her family spoke negatively about him when she wasn’t around (LaJaunessee, 1997).

            Her adult daughter is OK with her interracial relationships. She’s been around her activism in their home for years. She always finds something to talk about with White women (LaJaunessee, 1997).

            She wasn’t allowed around the family of her second White lover, she was only brought to her home when the sister she lived with was gone (LaJaunessee, 1997). She had been to the third White lover’s home in Highland Park, but  didn’t meet her children. The woman said she was delaying LaJauneesse’s meeting her children because her last few relationships were brief and she didn’t want the children getting attached and then they break up. This woman never went to her home on the South side. She invited her to one of her family get togethers, but the White woman said, “Is our relationship ready for meeting family”? She felt this was about racism, not about rushing their relationship. She did meet this woman’s parents. She described her mother as loving, but said her father couldn’t look at her. This woman’s family did know they were lesbians (LaJaunessee, 1997).

            LaJaunesseesays sex was only fair with other Black women. They sort of take sex for granted, they think well, “that’s what you’re supposed to do.” The last Black woman she was in a relationship with had been sexually abused and had a real fear of intimacy. The sex was “OK,” but she wasn’t as affectionate as White women. She wonders if it was a result of the abuse. Another Black woman she was with was also sexually abused. She had a problem of severe jealousy. Two of the White women she’s been with were also sexually abused ( LaJaunessee, 1997). 

        After sleeping in her house with one of her White women lovers for the first time, LaJaunessee awoke to hear the woman open her eyes and ask, “is my car still out there?” (LaJaunessee, 1997). 

            She loves intimacy with White women. Sex is great with White women because they’re more appreciative of the pleasures. White women can come more often than Black women, so, “it’s an ego thing for me.” She goes into relationships with White women with a positive attitude, but racism always gets in the way ( LaJaunessee, 1997). 

            The first White woman she slept with was a civil rights activist. After the first time they slept together she realized that the White woman was thinking sex, and she was thinking relationship. Somewhere along the way the White woman did came to a point of also wanting a relationship, but by then she had changed and it wasn’t possible for her anymore ( LaJaunessee, 1997).  

            All her romantic relationships with White women were based on sex. Despite the fact that she describes herself as “Super butch,” it was always the White women who went after her. Two of the White women were femme, and one was androgynous ( LaJaunessee, 1997).

            A White women she had a one night stand with told her to “wear something African” to the formal dinner benefit they were to meet at. She wore a black tie and tux. When the woman saw her she said, “that’s not African!” She’s not sure why the woman was disappointed in her not dressing African, but she speculates that the sexual charge had something to do with race. It’s painful to know about these racial differences with White women. Despite knowing that these relationships will never work, she’s lusting after a White woman right now. The advantage in interracial relationships is developing a better understanding other another culture (LaJaunessee, 1997).

        LaJaunessee says it’s good having White women as friends. As long as the relationship stays friends it’s OK. She belongs to a lesbian studies group where they frequently talk openly about race. It’s good to dialogue about race. She has learned that racism is a barrier between White and Black women being sexual. She is able to become involved romantically with White women, after having painful experiences with White people, because she judges people individually (LaJaunessee, 1997). 

Arlene

            Arlene is a White lesbian in her forties who has dated several Black women. She dated Pat (the same Pat as in Annie and Pat, they’re all still friends) for three years. She also dated another Black woman Diane for three years. She says she was not raised to be racist or to prejudge people in her family. The first time she used the “n” word her older sister Vivian told her it was bad. Her father was only against interracial marriage because it caused problems for the children. There were no Blacks in her grammar school, but there were a few Blacks in her high school and she hung out with all of them (Arlene, 1997).

            Arlene talked about race with Pat. One time when she took Pat to a doctor’s office in a White neighborhood some teenage boys threw stones and yelled racial epitaphs at them from a roof. She was very angry and told the boys to come down and meet her face to face. This made her feel ashamed of her race. Between the two of them race was not a problem. She always defended Black people. She couldn’t understand why they were treated differently. How can anyone love God and hate other people. She doesn’t think it’s human to be prejudice. Love is what it’s about not race. She’s amazed at the survival ability of Black women with all they have to endure. She feels like she fits in with Black people (Arlene, 1997).

            Arlene eventually left Pat for another Black woman, Diane. They were also together for three years. (The three of them are still friends today). Diane was more insecure about race. She would ask if there would be any other Blacks where they were going and would tell her if she was afraid to go somewhere. Diane was the “great love of her life” (Arlene, 1997).

            Both Arlene and Pat’s families were OK about their friendship, but they weren’t aware they were lovers. Arlene actually lived with Pat’s family for awhile on the South side of Chicago. Her older sister, Vivian is married to a Black doctor. Her family accepts their relationship, but her sister gets a lot of shit from Black women, which is very hard for Vivian to deal with. Being gay let her hide the true nature of her interracial relationships (Arlene, 1997).

            Arlene says she didn’t experience any shit from the lesbian community about her interracial relationships. However later in the interview she said she feared what she might get from her peers her interracial relationships (Arlene, 1997).

            Pat was Arlene’s her first Black lover and she was Pat’s first lover. Arlene had heard that Black women were supposed to be exotic, but she didn’t find any difference between Black and White women. She basically likes darker people. Being with Black women was a part of her own self discovery. (Arlene, 1997). Arlene says the advantage to dating a woman from another race is that it opens you up to other cultures, foods, and dreams (Arlene, 1997).

            Arlene says the challenge is having to deal with other people’s non-acceptance. Black and White women have different types of inferiority complexes. Because White women heard stories about Black women being exotic, they feel sexually inferior to Black women. If people could only get beyond misbeliefs and just deal with each other as people. The strength that Black women have is a barrier to her in initiating relationships with them (Arlene, 1997).

Kathy           

            Kathy is White, in her fifties, and has had many sexual relationships with Black women. She says she wasn’t brought up with prejudice. She simply saw Blacks as people. Although she knew racism existed, race didn’t matter, she saw the person, not the race. She remembers being criticized just for walking with a Spanish guy. She was concerned about what her family and other people would think about her dating Black women, so she never talked about it. She says it didn’t matter (Kathy, 1997).

             Kathy never discussed race with her Black lovers because she never thought of it, it was a sexual attraction. She couldn’t be “in love” with a Black woman because racism got in the way. You couldn’t settle down with a Black woman, “where would the two of you live?” Because she couldn’t live with or bring a Black woman home to meet her family, she didn’t take Black women seriously. She felt bad about feeling this way because she knew it was morally wrong (Kathy, 1997). 

            One time she dated a White woman who had a Black child. She couldn’t even get comfortable with that, so she admits she was prejudice in this case. She was too worried, fear got in her way (Kathy, 1997). 

        She felt the same societal pressure in the gay community as she did in the rest of society. Many lesbians felt interracial relationships were OK, but some saw them as “a step up” for the Black person. She felt more sexually free with Black women. They always accepted her and were positive toward her, so she felt a safeness with them. She could talk dirtier with Black women. She didn’t feel safe as far as her feelings were concerned though (Kathy, 1997).

            While interviewing Kathy there was a sudden abrupt changein her conversation. She said she didn’t like “their ways” (Black), the way they talk, walk and act. When push comes to shove their Blackness comes out. If she’d been a plantation owner she would have had sex with Black women and kept them as slaves too. She wants to see things the “right” way, but can’t help seeing things as society does. She thinks she’s an “asshole” because look what Whites have done to Blacks and Native Americans. She has two conflicting emotions. She asked herself out loud, “Where do I stand? Do I believe in humanity or slavery” (Kathy, 1997)? 

        Blacks can talk White. She’s always been afraid to comment openly about how she felt about things she saw on television when she was with a Black woman. Like Black religious “shit” and other stuff they spouted that she doesn’t believe. At the same time she really believes there is no difference between women. With Black women there’s more baggage added to the burden of a lesbian relationship (Kathy, 1997). 

            Kathy admits that she feels repressed with White women too. With White women she can only go so far in saying what she really thinks. She’s just not free to let herself go. She said she thinks homophobia has a great deal to do with this. She’s afraid to accept herself and be who she really is. She remembers that she and her first White women lover seemed to hate each other for loving one other. Chicana lesbian writer, Cherrie Moraga (1983) said that she and her female lovers brought society’s hatreds to bed with them. She hated herself and her lover for loving one another. She never felt woman or man enough (Moraga, 1983).  

            Kathy thinks this has affected the rest of her life. She can’t be consistent with her true feelings because she got kicked in the ass for expressing them. She’s blamed herself  the rest of her life. She doesn’t know whether or not she’s ever been “in love” (Kathy, 1997).  Many White women deny being brought up to be racist, but Black women’s experience and Kathy’s frankness proves that we were.

Pootie41 

            Pootie41 is a forty two year old White lesbian who has been with her thirty seven year old Black partner for six years. She says, my Black lover lost all but one of her friends when she took up with me, as if she had turned her back on her community. She misses the connection with women of color. We are living happily in Arizona however,  “… we live a guarded public life” (Pootie41, 1996). 

            They met through her fifteen year old mixed-race (Black & White) daughter. Race wasn’t a big issue for her because her children are Black. One daughter is married to a Samoan and another shares a child with a Black man. Each daughter has a son. They were having dinner with their White grand and great grandparents as she wrote this. Race has no meaning in their relationship (Pootie41, 1997). 

            They did discuss race at the beginning because all of her Black lovers friends ended their relationships with her. As if she had turned her back on her community. Nothing could be farther from the truth. Only one of her Black lesbian friends remained friends with her and they still talk frequently (Pootie41, 1997). 

             Her perceptions of race are that it’s still as ugly and rampid as it has always been. Racism was no surprise for her after having a mixed daughter in nineteen seventy three. She experienced plenty of racism daily from the to nineteen ninety one and still does (Pootie41, 1997).

            When her daughter had a baby, her and her partner witnessed the birth. Her daughter’s Black spouse didn’t have any family at hospital and only immediate family were allowed in birthing room. The nurses thought my partner was the baby’s grandmother on the father’s side and me of course, on the mother’s side. She guessed that they never saw two mother-in-laws get along so well (Pootie41, 1997)!

            She described their relationship as stable, happy, secure, and  financially above average. Their families all like each other and get along. Her Black partner as a formal education and is very smart. She wishes she could tell me more about her, but she doesn’t trust the Internet. She protects her financially, emotionally and would physically if challenged. She cooks, she cleans. She does the laundry, she does the yard. She does the pool, she keeps the patio clean. She does landscape lighting. I keep the finances, she trusts me completely. They have legal documents protecting their investments. She looks forward to when her partner takes another set up so she can stay home all day instead of working just for health insurance (Pootie41, 1997).

            She says they both bring their experience to the table of life. Their  backgrounds are extremely different. She thinks they share the best of both worlds and keep balance within their lives. She says she thinks they have an almost perfect relationship (Pootie41, 1997).

Cindi 

        Cindi is a White woman who has had several interracial relationships. She didn’t discuss racism at the beginning of a ten year relationship and later the woman called her racist when she was angry and hurt. She was right, I was exhibiting racist behavior, which hurt her. My intent had been to do the right thing. This Black partner had a lot of internalized racism (Cindi, 1997). 

            One woman that she shared an eight year relationship with participated in workshops geared toward understanding racism and it’s institutionalization. They learned a lot from each other about racism. She worked on her racism a lot. She encouraged her partner to hang around with more Black people, which she had not done before they met. She recognized that in a racist society such as ours, a Black person needs to be with other Blacks in a White free space for support, so they can express feelings without being attacked by the other (Cindi, 1997).

            She has a hard time associating with many other White people because they’re so racist without even realizing it. Once her consciousness was raised  she saw everything differently. She thinks it’s for a risk for a Black person to become friends with a White person. Most White people don’t recognize how racist our society is. Most Whites don’t accept what they are told because they see things through their own privileged eyes. Race is significant to her because she doesn’t want to be subjected to any racism any more than a Black person. The woman she is currently involved with says that she over identifies. She says she’s probably right, but doesn’t think that’s wrong (Cindi, 1997). 

            Challenges for her are dealing with the rest of the White world. People who might be careful about expressing their views and opinions in front of Blacks will speak freely with her. She often finds herself calling people on their racist attitudes and actions, thus putting herself in a defensive position in which she’s inevitably attacked. Before she being involved with Black women she didn’t know a thing about White skin privilege or racism (Cindi, 1997). 

            She says she doesn’t sense a difference sexually. In some small way she thinks their relationship helps make the world a better place. It shows that we can get along with and love each other (Cindi, 1997).

Lisa

        Lisa is a mixed-race woman, her father is Black West African and her mum is British White. She grew up in a small town on the English countryside, sheltered from the harsh realities of racism. People there didn’t make you feel different because of your race. Her parents always told her she was a human being, that race was not an issue. This shaped her into identifying herself with the human race rather than by her skin color. She’s been with three Black women, one for five years and another four and a half years (Lisa, 1997-1997).  

            The woman she’s with now, Elizabeth, is a bartender at a hotel. She’s fiery, honest, creative and passionate. Lisa ’s a veterinarian, down to earth, honest, low key, and romantic. They met on-line a year ago and have been together ever since. They talked about race right from their first instant messages when they described themselves to each other. Race has no meaning in their relationship. They see no disadvantage, advantage or challenge being in an interracial relationship. Both were always attracted to women of other races (Lisa, 1996-1997).

            Their relationship is better than previous ones because of the person she’s with, not because of race. Race has never been a concern to either of them. They realize racism exists and always will unfortunately. She refuses to accept folks into her life who can’t accept her. “Life is too bloody short to worry about the bigots of the world – be happy and love the one you’re with!” (Lisa, 1996-1997). 

Cybernoire 

            Cybernoire is a multiracial lesbian who has been in a relationship with a White woman for six years. They met through mutual friends and do talk about race. They discussed their experiences, beliefs, politics, ideals, hopes, childhood, and families. The meaning of race in their relationship is challenging, frustrating, infuriating, comical, exciting and educating (Cybernoire, 1996-1997). 

            She found a folder on-line for interracial relationships, but none specifically for women of color. She asked, “Like don’t we exist if we’re not doing it with a white girl?” At times we both just don’t “get it”. The advantage is  it enlarges both of our worlds (Cybernoire, 1996-1997).

            All relationships are different. Cybernoire says she’s older and more determined to have this relationship work. Their relationship is unequal economically, understanding is less than easy, but there’s lots of love, caring, and nurturing. Sometimes she gets tired of explaining her reality and the problems she faces. She thinks she’s easier with her sexuality, less inhibited, and more sexual than her White partner. She’s not sure why she believes this, but she thinks it’s related to race (Cybernoire, 1996-1997).

Emerald 

        Emerald is an White lesbian who was born in Ireland. She’s been in a twelve year relationship with a Black woman. She also has Black friends and has had other Black lovers. She has never been in a long term relationship with a woman of her own culture. She met her present lover in a small Texas town when they were both in their thirties (Emerald, 1997). 

            She says African American women and women like herself get on well because they share wonderful oral history, songs, and poetry passed on from mother to daughter. They are much closer than one might believe in the ability to keep our cultures alive despite brutal colonialism. Every atrocity carried out in Africa by the British was first practiced on the Irish from the 11th century up, from slavery to the deliberate destruction of the great oaks forest in the midlands. Lesbians have also survived the rigidity of our own church in Irish and Irish American life (Emerald, 1997).

            Race is always a major topic between them because her cultural upbringing, attitudes and family background were very different. They discussed history, economics, family secrets, sociology of Black families versus Irish and the many similarities between them. They have an on going discussion with friends about how they place themselves in the world as lesbians perceived as different, and as lesbians who have no fear of one another, who are close enough to see the differences as cultural, not racial and who chose to explore that meaning in depth (Emerald, 1997). 

            She came from a politically committed family. Her heroes were: the Mandellas, Fannie Lou Hamer, and James Baldwin. African American culture has taught her more than mainstream White culture. They taught her about the ability to survive and grow under oppression. Despite lacking public acknowledgment by society, she was taught very early that African Americans were leading our civilization forward to freedom for all (Emerald, 1997). 

            She sometimes has to deal with suspicion and distrust from her lover’s family who are more affected by homophobia than racism. She also faces enormous racism from White dykes. As a result of being in her relationship her perception of racism has become a lot worse than she ever thought in Ireland – it’s pervasive, systematic, ugly and rampant in the gay community. White women have no understanding of the depth of invisibility African American women are subjected to. When someone approaches them with a question like about directions, they always ask her. It’s the same way women are dismissed if they’re with a man (Emerald, 1997). 

             Race affects everything. It objectifies people and our images of beauty. Her lovers have been beautiful and plain. The darkness of their skin against her White skin is an aspect of the erotic for her. She realizes some might see that as objectification. It’s an issue she always discuss with lovers first. She asks, if we don’t know why we’re attracted to someone, what’s the point? I’m attracted to Black women because of their cultural history that contains a collective expression of joy through cultural forms, music, dance, singing, storytelling, and a certain seasoning in life which usually makes them of much great intellectual and spiritual strength (Emerald, 1997).  

            The advantage she finds with interracial relationships is exploring other cultures, oral history, poetry, delight and joy. The challenge is to learn to listen clearly and to remember where each of us has come from. She thinks her experience has been far easier than a woman who is African American. The biggest challenge in this long term relationship has far more to do with personal dynamics than race. Her lover is under the burden of having to be a “credit to her people”, always on show, always first to break through barriers of race in her career. This took a terrible toll on us. It was stressful and hurtful to her. She couldn’t protect her partner from this or help in many situations. It forced her to become more of a caretaker than she wanted to be. She got lost and even had to leave to find her self again. It was the effect of external racism in their lives which compounded personal dynamics (Emerald, 1997). 

            She says she would be a lost and lonely woman without her  African American friends, they’re the joy in her life. They have loved, befriended her, stood my her and have been true friends  (Emerald, 1997).

Femunity  

            Femunity is White and has been with her Black lover for five years. She claims that many of her friends “accepted” their interracial relationship as long as they could go on without changing. They were a group of White women, so they didn’t have to change. She wasn’t prepared for seeing the racism she saw in her friends. They said they accepted our relationship and my partner but they were unable or unwilling to examine their own racism. It inevitably surfaced in their interactions with us (Femunity, 1997).

            It wasn’t the kind of racism that “hit you over the head,” it was that insidious, creeping kind of racism. You get in the car on the way home and realize how shitty you feel. Her partner had been feeling shitty before they got to the car. It was hard to see their racism and as a result her own. It had been so comfortable being monocultural and ignorant (Femunity, 1997). 

            She sees her relationship as a gift. It’s like a pair of glasses that can be used to see better with, both herself and others. The few friends that she kept are real, love them both and don’t pretend racism isn’t still mired in the way they are together (Femunity, 1997). 

Psychotherapy for Lesbians in Interracial Relationships

            Lesbian writer and activist, Suzanne Pharr says that despite work by people of color and lesbians, the White lesbian, gay, bi-sexual, and transgendered community has characterized and marketed itself as White, male and middle to upper class (1996). Homosexuality is seen as a White thing in communities of color. This makes lesbians and gays of color invisible in gay and in their own racial community (Pharr, 1996). 

            Homophobia … has kept us “quiet” and invisible in our anti-racist work; racism has kept us “quiet” in our lesbian and gay work. She suggests that lesbians of color have a great deal to teach the rest of us about living under multiple oppressions. Pharr believes that beyond our moral duty to assist one another to see our connectedness, she warns that unless we develop a sense of “common humanity” our very survival is at stake. Pharr asks, “Which identity should a lesbian of color chose … gender, race, or sexual identity?” (Pharr, 1996, p.101). Identity issues that are political also effect us personally and within our relationships.  

            Societal exclusion and oppression affects our mental health and has also been internalized in the minds of mental health professionals. As a student in a counseling psychology program, I’m aware that much of what is being taught still maintains sexist, racist and homophobic assumptions. Resistance has been a survival tactic for Black people; it can make one feel better, but in long run it can actually undermine motivation. This notion is similar to the what traditional therapy has historically done about women’s oppression – it has merely helped women to cope with the effects of the oppression. It has not helped them to rise above and out of it.  

            Beverly Greene and Nancy Boyd-Franklin posit that traditional psychotherapy has maintained the “triple jeopardy” of being Black, female, and homosexual (1996, p.49). This socio/political environment makes it difficult for Black lesbians to attain optimal psycho/social development. The rare research that does exist about Black women has ignored sexuality and research on lesbians has been from the perspectives of middle class White women. If clinicians are to effectively treat Black women with cultural sensitivity they need culturally specific information (Greene & Boyd-Franklin, 1996). 

            Sarah Pearlman’s review of the literature on lesbian couples reveals that most psychological literature has tuned into White/Euro-American experience. Despite the increasing number of interracial couplings, lesbians of color and interracial lesbian couples have not received equal consideration in the literature. Many interracial lesbian couples are also complicated in that they also face differences in class, culture and socioeconomic status. These couples may have these issues in common with heterosexual mixed race couples, but homophobia adds another layer of complexity to the challenges they face. Challenges such as lacking social and family support systems combined with social rules based on gender and male privilege which effect relationships and roles (Pearlman, 1996). For these reasons, I allow the scales to tip in attempting to learn more about Black lesbian experience.

            African American cultural origins within West Africa, have created a legacy of nuclear and extended family networks of mutual support and obligation that have fostered more egalitarian gender roles and family values in which interdependability is of vital importance. Once in America Black women were viewed as property where their sexual lives were subject to slavemasters and African males (Greene & Boyd-Franklin, 1996).

            White supremacist images of Black women as promiscuous, assertive, matriarchal has served to maintain racism and has allowed Black men to blame racism on strong, emasculating Black women. Sexual racism is also involved in the Black community’s extreme homophobia. To an oppressed group the reproductive nature of sexuality to avoid extinction is highly valued. Heterosexuality is their only privilege and connection with the White norms. This racial history effects the relationships of African American lesbians to this day (Greene & Boyd-Franklin, 1996). Wilson & Russell (1996) quote Black lesbian Barbara Smith, “”straightness” is our last resort” (p.137). To relinquish one privilege is viewed as genocidal to Black women (Wilson & Russell, 1996). 

            Greene and Boyd-Franklin cited studies revealing that Black lesbians, when compared to White lesbians have a greater likelihood of having children, to depend on families of origin, and fellow Black lesbians for support. They also have more involvement with heterosexuals and males. Despite their greater anxiety and alienation as a result of being homosexual, are less likely to seek therapy and when they do are more vulnerable to unsuccessful results (Greene & Boyd-Franklin, 1996).   

            Midge Wilson and Kathy Russell (1996) quote a Black lesbian named Lisa, “most Black Lesbians identify as Black women first and lesbians second.” (p.137). White lesbians find it hard to understand that Black lesbian’s race comes before sexuality (Wilson & Russell, 1996). Homophobia within the Black community doesn’t prevent Black lesbians from feeling that being Black is a primary aspect of who they are. Loyalties are complex for Black lesbians. Should their loyalties lie with a Black community who rejects them as lesbians, or should they rest within the lesbian community, that may harbor racism (Greene & Boyd-Franklin, 1996)? 

            Strong family ties within the Black community may make families reluctant to reject lesbian family members. Various levels of tolerance may be adopted. Families may use chose to deny lesbianism, or continued family support may lie “on a fragile foundation of silence, ambivalence and denial” (Greene & Boyd-Franklin, 1996, p. 53). Therapists should be cautious about equating tolerance with acceptance which may depend on keeping the issue quiet.. Families may be friendly to a woman’s partner until the their lesbianism openly acknowledged (Greene & Boyd-Franklin, 1996). Greene and Boyd-Franklin recommend that clients explore the various responses in a family that seem to be united in their rejection or acceptance (1996). 

            Because African American families find the news of homosexuality overwhelming, they don’t recommend coming out to the whole family all at once. Couples in interracial relationships, need help being supportive to one another during the coming out phase as the family’s anger may be focused on the partner’s Whiteness. As an outsider to the family and to the race, the White partner may be blamed for the Black woman’s lesbianism (Greene & Boyd-Franklin, 1996).

            Partially due to the greater number of White lesbians, lesbians of color and Black American lesbians become involved in interracial relationship more often than White lesbians. These interracial relationships face even greater obstacles than do heterosexual interracial relationships. For one, they’re more likely to be identified as lesbians due to their increased visibility and thus more prone to experience homophobia from family members and from society in general (Greene & Boyd-Franklin, 1996). 

            To adapt to the reality of racism, lesbians of color develop “protective psychological armor” (Greene & Boyd-Franklin, 1996, p. 55; Wilson & Russell, 1996). Some women are able to use this armor when they need it, some can’t. Most lesbians of color know racism when they experience it and have learned ways to cope and survive with it. When White partners face racism for the first time they may be far from prepared to recognize it, and certainly less able to address it. Because she doesn’t  see racist slights, the White partner may think her Black partner’s rage is out of line, or she may see herself as “rescuer,” and actually label her Black partner “complacent” (Greene & Boyd-Franklin, 1996, p. 56). Her Black partner may experience this protective role as unnecessary and even patronizing (Greene & Boyd-Franklin, 1996). 

            D. Merilee Clunis and G. Dorsey Green (1993) also discuss the barrier that Black people use to defend themselves from racism as “armoring.” Armoring is a shell built around the self for the purpose of deflecting racism and for allow for paced responses to it. Not needing this armoring, White women take their relative freedom for granted. White women are unprepared for racism, they haven’t needed too observe most people and situations for potential racism. They may not perceive racial snubs as such, nor see them as caused by racism (Clunis & Green, 1993).

            The White partner may end up frustrated and even angry after attempting to assuage her guilt with attempts to make reparations (impossible for her to do) for society’s racism. Being in an interracial relationship doesn’t mean that the White partner knows what racism feels like or is even without racism herself. The Black partner may still be resentful of her White lover’s privilege in the lesbian and mainstream community. Others may perceive both women as betraying their respective race and thus feel shame about the relationship. Resolving these issues within the relationship is complicated for the Black woman because of the tangled feelings of estrangement and loyalty (Greene & Boyd-Franklin, 1996).    

            Because of the obvious and visible nature of the couple’s racial difference problems of intimacy, personal character, and individual psychological issues can easily be inappropriately racialized. Race may be used as a scapegoat that serves to deny the acknowledgment of non-racial personal issues within and outside the couple (Greene & Boyd-Franklin, 1996). 

            Many reasons have been cited for White women seeking out Black women. One is to deal with their White guilt and/or their lacking a sense of ethnicity, or as evidence of their liberality. Because of the common stereotypical perception of Black women as exotic and sexually free White women may also be unaware of a hope to gain something they lack from Black women (Greene & Boyd-Franklin, 1996). 

            When the White woman fails to fix her own issues or problems by being with the Black partner, she may feel betrayed and angry at her partner. The therapist can help the couple to discover expectations each had about the relationship that go deeper than generalities. Deeply hidden assumptions about how racial differences might be experienced within their intimate relationship should be a topic for reflection (Greene & Boyd-Franklin, 1996). 

     The partners we pick doesn’t necessarily represent inner identity conflicts. When they are present they can be expressed by Black lesbians who only date White women or who don’t value other Black lesbians enough to see them as potential partners. If Black lesbians see themselves as ethnically deficient or ambiguous they might seek another Black lesbian to somehow make up for her own deficiencies and as a measure of Black community loyalty. However, clinicians need  to be aware that interracial relationships are not necessarily signs of self-hate or cultural loyalty (Greene & Boyd-Franklin, 1996).

            When a Black lesbian is in a relationship with a woman of color, other than Black, it might be assumed that they have more in common culturally than they actually do. Sharing “triple jeopardy” oppression doesn’t mean automatic compatibility in matters of roles in relationship, housekeeping, and the roles of family and friends in their lives (Greene & Boyd-Franklin, 1996, p. 49). A woman who is lacks a sense of family might gravitate toward a person who is highly involved with her family. This situation can cause problems of profound rejection if the partner without family unconsciously hopes that she will be included (Greene & Boyd-Franklin, 1996).

            When treating lesbian couples in general it is important to assist them to nurture each other and their relationship while they work on complicated family issues. It’s vitally important that they establish support systems within the lesbian community or within birth families. Various societal systems outside of therapy will be resistant to lesbians and their relationships. A feminist clinician needs to analyze the multiple interrelated systems of oppression that impact their relationships (Greene & Boyd-Franklin, 1996).   

            Our cultural identities are formed through our race and class status. Race is frequently a determinate of class and socioeconomic positions. In order to be sensitive and helpful to these clients, therapists must be aware of race, class and cultural differences. Differing norms, values and meanings effect individual relational dynamics and other couple issues. Each woman brings her own sense of self, of self esteem, ways of child rearing, ways to handle money and obligations to family and friends (Pearlman, 1996).

            As if these differences didn’t complicate things enough, the clinician brings her/his own attitudes about interracial relationships. The clinician may think that a Black woman’s choice of a White partner may be an expression of her own racism and that a White woman who chooses a Black partner may be due to low self esteem, belief in stereotypical exotification of women of color, or an attempt to experience superiority. Underlying reasons for human preferences and behaviors are multiple, these issues may explain some of the motivation along with unconscious and conscious factors. These factors aside, it’s also possible that interracial couples really like, respect, enjoy being with and feel sexual attracted to one another (Pearlman, 1996). 

            If an interracial couple is to deal with racism, the White woman has to raise her consciousness about the privilege she enjoys and she must develop her own form of armoring. The Black woman will have to deal with her anger about her White partner’s privilege along with having to act as her racism instructor. Both will feel better equipped to deal with situations if they talk about them openly to ascertain the other’s feelings (Clunis & Green, 1993).  

             It is very important for both women to understand the pressures of the other. It is devastating for either partner to be isolated from her friends or family because of homophobia or racism. A White partner may not realize just how vital it is for women of color to be with people like herself, and may feel excluded. Both women may feel shame about wanting to be with someone from a different race; as a result they might ask themselves, What’s wrong with me? Can’t I find someone of my own kind? Coming out may be very different for the Black and White cultures. If one partner doesn’t come out the other woman might mistakenly take this as being about being ashamed of the relationship or of herself. White women may wonder whether a Black woman is interested in her only to elevate her status (Clunis & Green, 1993). In much the same way as a rich man might wonder whether he was loved for his money.

            Women of color may have a concern about their White partner being referred to as an ethnic chaser who always seeks partners of another race, possibly out of racial guilt or to demonstrate their liberalism (Clunis & Green, 1993).

            Clinicians, especially those who are White middle-class, who work with these couples must be aware of the unique countertransference which will necessitate tuning into one’s own attitudes about race, class and the assumptions that stem from these beliefs. There may also be identifications and counter-identifications within the mixed race/class couple (Pearlman, 1996). All of these issues are in addition to individual personality variances, routine life problems, issues of coming out and of just how far out each partner is and complexities involved in lesbian butch-femme identity. 

            Pearlman (1996) discusses therapy she provided to Julia, a forty-five year old Puerto Rican born lesbian and Susan, a fifty-year old White lesbian. Their major conflict revolved around how Susan perceived Julia’s relationship with her son. Susan thought Julia was over involved with her son and her entire family. Susan saw Julia’s son as spoiled. Susan’s children accepted her lesbianism, but Julia’s son has not accepted that his mother is a lesbian. He had refused to visit their home if Susan was home. Beyond being furious with Julia’s son’s attitude she was also upset that Julia didn’t “put him in his place” (Pearlman, 1996, p. 28). She felt that Julia was placing her son above her. On the other hand, Julia thought her son just needed time to accept their relationship. She worried about losing her son along with future grandchildren if she was confrontational toward him (Pearlman, 1996). 

            In psychotherapy the couple explored and came to see the cultural meanings of their different behaviors and values and led to them being able to unpersonalize the conflicts these led them to. When they understood and addressed different family values and mothering styles they were able to decrease their defensiveness and anger, as a result new conversations were able to evolve (Pearlman, 1996). 

            Susan and Julia demonstrates a phenomenon that I also noted in my interviews. The couples friends and all of their social life revolved around activities that wereWhite orientated. While Julia did enjoy these friends and events, she also felt even intimidated at times and self conscious about her accent which made her feel that she was speaking “badly” (Pearlman, 1996, p. 29). The White women were also more educated making her feel that they wouldn’t be interested in her. She wanted to have some Puerto Rican lesbians friends too. As a result of therapy Susan started thinking about learning some Spanish (Pearlman, 1996). Issues of newly labeled Ebonics may impact Black and White couples in a similar fashion. 

            Another couple Pearlman discussed was Sheryl a forty two year old African American lesbian and her partner, Gena a fifty three year old Jewish lesbian. They initially came to therapy because of financial problems, however many other aspects of their relationship that were stress provoking. They were very isolated and without support systems. Both families struggled to accept their lesbianism and their racial differences. As a result, neither could relax with the other’s family. Gena’s friends thought she would probably lose interest in Sheryl, so they didn’t take the relationship seriously. Sheryl’s friends not only encouraged her to date other Black lesbians, but criticized her for being with a White women. Sheryl was uncomfortable, angry and felt intimidated around Gena’s friends. Through therapy they came to see that they could seek out the social support they needed by connecting with other mixed race couples (Pearlman, 1996).

            Gena perceived their financial problems as being the result of anti-Semitism and Jewish stereotypes. Sheryl thought she was being degraded for being stupid about money, which had racial undertones to her. In therapy they discovered the different meaning money had in terms of survival among Black and Jewish societies. Gena came to have a deeper understanding of why Sheryl had the sense of family responsibility that she did along with her personal reasons for needing to wearing fashionable clothes (Pearlman, 1996).

            Each of the two couples that Pearlman (1996) provided therapy for had to learn how to speak freely about racial issues and to be more sensitive about their partner’s feelings about the relative safeness of different neighborhoods. Gena was concerned about Sheryl’s level of comfort with being the only lesbian of color among their lesbian gatherings. Both White women required many years to see their own racial privilege despite learning of racism’s pervasiveness first-hand. Sheryl openly reflected on whether or not her preference for White women had anything to do with racial self-hate. Julia and Sheryl were angry with their partners, they feared losing themselves and their own culture as a result of loving a White woman (Pearlman, 1996). 

            Each woman’s appreciation for cultural differences was enhanced and grew to a point of enjoying customs of the other culture. The four women said they felt that their partner was able to fill in a place within themselves that was under developed. All four also found their physical differences to be sexually exciting (Pearlman, 1996). 

            Clinicians who become sensitized to race and class differences place themselves in privileged positions of being able to observe the relational dynamics and conflicts that come out of mixed-race relationships. Their understanding of these differences can be used to help client’s to clarify and understand how these issues effect their relationships. Power struggles can be reframed, difference can be personalized thus bringing new meanings to light. Validation from clinicians also affirms the cultures of both partners (Pearlman, 1996). 

            Both of the couples that I interviewed failed to address their racial differences in a way that made them both feel validated. Annie and Pat didn’t discuss it and Dawn and Shirley kept isolated for many years. Both couples had definite problems that might have been worked out had sensitive and informed counseling helped them to develop a deeper understanding of the barriers that stood between them. They might all have been armed with information that could have enriched their relationships. 

            Interracial couples learn many new things which can enhance their relationship. Clunis and Green suggest that women not let difference keep them from loving each other, because it can also bring joy into relationships (Clunis & Green, 1993). 

            According to Susan Sherwin (1992), feminist ethicists assert that unless people’s oppression is included in moral discourse, the discourse itself is unethical. Rhoda Unger and Mary Crawford (1992 ) say that traditional therapy has not addressed the needs of diverse varieties of women. Psychological diagnosis and symptomology include assumptions about class, race, ethnicity, and sexual orientation, enmeshed within labels attributed to people. Thus the mental health system has historically excluded women’s oppression and values. Exclusion isn’t only unethical for moral reasons, it contributes to and actually causes many of the mental health problems experienced by all the various groups of women. 

            Laura Brown (1989) questions whether the large number of homosexuals receiving or who have received psychotherapy is due to large numbers with pathology or whether, in context, it’s a health-seeking strategy to deal with societal ambiguity. Unless therapy comes out of Black and White women’s experience it harms them and as a result is unethical. For Black and White women’s therapy to be truly therapeutic and ethical it must deconstruct the social context and so-called symptomology attributed to their so-called “madness”.  A feminist paradigm of therapy must come out of the lived experiences of all types of women. We must de-internalize patriarchy’s notion of who we are and what’s possible for us in interracial relationships. Isn’t love the one universal aspect of our humanity? Isn’t it one thing we’ve all learned from our culture? Might not love itself be the cure?  What color is  love anyway? Mightn’t interracial mating be an evolutionary way to get beyond racism? Ann Stanford (1994), (a previous teacher at DePaul), said that within a racist and sexist society, “ … the community is both the disease and the cure.” 

References

Annie. (1997). Personal Interview. April 18 & April 21.

Brown, L. S. (1989). New Voices, New Visions: Towards a Lesbian and Gay Paradigm for Psychology. Psychology of Women Quarterly. 13: 445-458.

Cindi (Screen name, Dykeluv). (1997). Written posting/survey completed via America On-Line, Keyword onQ, Lesbian Discussion, Interracial Relationships. April 28.

Clunis, D. M. & Green, G. D. (1993). How Racism Affects Couples. In Lesbian Couples: Creating Healthy      

Relationships for the ‘90s. Seattle: Seal Press, pp. 131-142.

Cybernoire. (Screen name). (July 21,1996 & April 21,1997). Written posting/survey completed via America On-Line, Keyword  onQ, Lesbian Discussion, Interracial Relationships.  

Dawn. (1997). Personal Interview. April 21.

Emerald (Screen name, OLEAREM). (1997). Written posting/survey completed via America On-Line,  Keyword onQ, Lesbian Discussion, Interracial Relationships.         April 21, 23.

Femunity. (Screen name). (1997). Written posting/survey completed via America On-Line,  Keyword onQ, Lesbian Discussion, Interracial Relationships. May 18. 

Greene, B., Boyd-Franklin, N. (1996). African American Lesbian Couples: Ethnocultural Considerations in Psychotherapy. Women & Therapy: A Feminist Quarterly. vol. 19, no 3., pp. 49-60. 

Kathy. (1997). Personal Interview. April 13 & April 17.

LaJaunessee. (1997). Personal Interview. May 13. 

Lisa. (Screen name, LCVDVM). (May 25,1996 & April 28,1997). Written posting/survey completed via America On-Line, Keyword onQ, Lesbian Discussion, Interracial Relationships.    

Moraga. C.(1983). Loving in the War Years. Boston: South End Press.

Pat. (1997). Personal Interview. April 18.

Pearlman, S. F. (1996). Loving Across Race and Class Divides: Relational Challenges and the Interracial Lesbian Couple. Women & Therapy: A Feminist Quarterly. vol. 19, no 3, pp. 25-35.

Pharr, S. (1996). In the Time of the Right: Reflections on Liberation. Berkeley: Chardon Press. 

Pootie41. (Screen name). (August 14, 1996 & April 19, 1997). Written posting/survey completed via American On-Line, Keyword onQ, Lesbian Discussion, Interracial Relationships.

Sherwin, S. (1992). No Longer Patient: Feminist Ethics in Health Care. Philadelphia: Temple University Press.

Shirley. (1997). Personal Interview. April 21. 

Stanford, Folwell A. (1994). Mechanism of Disease: African-American Women Writers, Social Pathologies, and the Limits of Medicine. NWSA Journal, Vol.  6, no 1, Spring. pp. 28-47. 

Wilson, M. & Russell, K. (1996). Sexual Tensions, Chapter Four in Divided Sisters: Bridging the Gap Between Black Women and White Women.New York: Doubleday. 

Unger, R. & Crawford, M. (1992). Women and Gender: A Feminist Psychology. New York: McGraw-Hill. 

Katherine Philips (1632-1664) “The Matchless Orinda”

De Paul University, MALS Program

Perceptions of Reality, MLS 402

3-19-95

Pat Anderson

Grade A-

See examples of original sources at the end

Abstract

            In this paper I look at the life and writing of Katherine Philips, (The Matchless Orinda), illustrating how Philips manipulated her writing to fit acceptable standards set up for women during the Renaissance. 

            Her eloquent writing was appreciated by women and men of her day. Some recent researchers suggest that her female friendship poems were erotic in nature. I will argue that whether platonic or erotic, she was a talented poet. And despite having to use great care, she was successful in communicating life experiences from a woman’s perspective. I can only imagine what her writing might have been like if her spirit had been free to write without consideration of gender.

Historical Context

            In the seventeenth century women not only had to have just the right circumstances to enable them to write, but they had to develop strategies about how to do so in keeping with the rules set up by men (Mermin 336). They had to be careful not to elicit men’s anger (Mermin 336). Women had to make their writing seem spontaneous, without artfulness and had to be sure to communicate that they were not in competition with men (Mermin 336)

            Women generally avoided iambic pentameter, formal odes or epics, classical allusion or exalted diction (Mermin 336). Women wrote relatively simple fables, understated small and ordinary themes, spoke of themselves in self-depreciating, low-key terms and kept their tone conversational (Mermin 336).

            Men wrote as if their words were genderless, but women could never forget they wrote and would be read as women (Mermin 336). They had to be on their best behavior because failures of breeding or temper would discredit their whole sex (Mermin 336). The gentlemanly amateurism in the Renaissance tradition provided a framework for women to write in a time when simply appearing in public was viewed as taboo for women (Mermin 336), (let alone being published). Until well into the nineteenth century publicity to a woman was assumed to defile her virtue (Mermin 338). 

            I like Ann Messenger’s (Williamson 23) description of women writers that Williamson provides:

            Women may begin writing to deal with loss, but they end writing to survive it. Because poetry is more public than private expression in the seventeenth century, we can also observe the degree to which contemporary discourse shapes women’s writing, just as it does men’s, but also the degree to which women transform the discourse to their purposes as a group (Williamson 23).  Women writers had to use enormous care to avoid posing any threat to male egos. In spite of the limitations placed upon them by their social realities they were able to express their female perspectives.

          Early Orinda                   

            Katherine Philips was influenced as a small child by her grandmother Oxenbridge’s interest in writing poetry (Limbert 179). She loved poetry at school and actually started writing verses there (Limbert 179). Her father John Fowler, a prominent London merchant, brought her up with strong Puritan connections (Limbert 179). She read the Bible at age four and wrote down sermons verbatim at age ten. As a child she used to pray for an hour at a time (Limbert 179). She was against the bishops and prayed that God would take them to him (Limbert 180). She started to attend Mrs. Salmon’s School in Hackney at age eight. (Limbert 180)

            The earliest of her work known to survive was found in an unpublished manuscript in the uncatalogued Orielton Collection of the National Library of Wales. It illustrates that Philips was  practicing poetry as early as age fourteen (Limbert 179) It’s not surprising that this manuscript was found in Orielton (three miles southwest of Pembroke, Wales) as it was once the home of Anne Lewis Owen, referred to as Lucasia by Philips, in her most intense friendship poems (Limbert 182).

            The Orielton manuscript contains two poems and a short prose receipt that are unpolished compared to her later works, yet are informative about the author’s early years (Limbert 181-182). It is suggested that the manuscript was written when Philips was between fourteen and sixteen years old, after her mother’s marriage and before her own (Limbert 181-182). Excerpts from the two poems are quite telling in relating her attitudes about marriage and romance:

            No blooming youth shall ever make me err

            I will the beauty of the mind prefer

            If himans rites shall call me hence

            It shall be with some man of sence

            …

            Faithful in promise & liberall to the poor

            …

            Ready to serve his friend his country & his king

            Such men as these yout say there are but few

            …

            Butt if I ever hap to change my life

            Its only such a man shall call me wife” (Limbert 186). 

            Excerpts from the poem on the reverse side:

            A marry’d state affords but little Ease

            The best of husbands are so hard to please

            …

            No Blustering husbands to create y’r fears

            …

            Few worldly crosses to distract y’r prayers   

            Thus you are freed from all the cares that do

            Attend on matrymony & a husband too

            … (Limbert 186).

These early poems clearly illustrate her very early feminist thought and insight into conditions women faced.

             Hageman views Philip’s two juvenilia poems above as an example of how thoroughly the young poet assimilated the values of seventeenth-century neo-classical poetry (570). Philips was able to transform the loyal, sensible and moderate friend, advocated by poets like Ben Jonson, into a description of a model husband (Hageman 570).

            These tiny glimpses into Philips’ early creativity show that she was familiar with composition and was approaching a feel for heroic couplets; they also illustrate her interest in talking to women through her poetry (Limbert 185). Her poems clearly reveal a young woman with unromantic ideas about marriage, not usually seen in English literature (Limbert 185). Philips does not speak as a character imagined by a man, she actually speaks for herself (Limbert 185).

            It is believed that she lived in London until her widowed mother married Sir Richard Phillips (sic) of Picton Castle in Wales; she moved with her mother to Wales at that time (Limbert 180). At 16, Philips married Colonel James Philips, a fifty four year old widower and prominent Puritan Parliamentarian (Limbert 180). They moved to her new husband’s home in Cardigan where he was active in politics (Limbert 180). After seven years of marriage she had a son who died at six weeks of age (Williamson 76).

Philips and the Renaissance

            Women’s literary output began in England, around 1640 (Williamson 16). Katherine Philips was the first English woman to publish a volume of poetry (Williamson 16). Women became the subjects and developed their own perspectives, rather than being objects of male perception and expression (Williamson 16). They wrote from positions that were self-defined (Williamson 16). Before this time in history women’s poetry was not  distinguishable from men’s (Williamson 18). Around the seventeenth century one can truly start to hear female voices who take female pseudonyms, address their needs and created their own conventions and themes (Williamson 18).

            Williamson says that Philips was a model for women poets; she used two current discourses, retirement tradition and libertine ideology, to show women how to use the codes of the culture to write about their life predicament (14). It took great courage to write about gender relations for these women; their poetry can give us a clue about what they were thinking and what their biases were (Williamson preface). Women writers of the Renaissance viewed each other as models and obtained inspiration from each other; they created their own traditions and usually wrote for other women (Williamson 14).

            Philips characterized commonalties of women writers after 1650 in that they were artistically, politically, and socially conservative (Williamson 21). They were married to supportive husbands, were usually childless, and were reserved about sexuality (Williamson 21). They had their own coterie audience and their writing forms included poetry, occasional plays, novels, essays and autobiographical letters (Williamson 21). They seldom wrote for money, hesitated to call attention to themselves by publishing, and used undoing to excuse their gall to publish (Williamson 21). Philips felt obligated to justify her privilege to write, sought freedom, yet at the same time sought community too, especially with other women, frequently in intimate relationships (Williamson 22). She tried to tread the ambiguous line between being a silent, submissive woman and her energy and ambition as a writer (Williamson 65).

            Seventeenth-century women writers’ conservatism did not allow them to advocate for radical changes, but they wanted better lives for women as a group (Williamson 22). In adapting the retirement tradition they avoided threatening their readers and illustrated a way, within their social constraints, to escape their social lot that could not be changed (Williamson 22).

            Philips’ unblemished reputation served as encouragement to other women (Mermin 335). She feared publication as it might be seen as sexual self-display (Mermin 335-336). Philips claimed that her poems were printed without her consent and compared women’s publication to exposing their bodies (Mermin 335-336). She claimed to have written for her own entertainment, yet at the same time prepared her work in manuscript form (Mermin 338).

            Women sought to demonstrate how they could survive in a male universe, largely through bonding with other women (Williamson 31). They took male indifference for granted and sought to compensate for it rather than challenge it (Williamson 31). Philips sought respect and consideration for wives, but saw equality as only available in female friendships (Williamson 32). 

            Philips took the privilege to write without social sanction for her doing so (Williamson 35-36). As a result she had to develop strategies to get beyond societal messages to remain silent (Williamson 35-36). Writing served the purpose of raising women and men’s consciousness about their oppression (Williamson 35-36).

            Philips provides confirmation of her humility in what she wrote Sir Charles Cotterell (her editor):

            I am so far from expecting Applause on account of any thing I write, that I can scarce expect a Pardon: And sometimes I think that to make Verses is so much above my Reach, and a Diversion so unfit for the Sex to which I belong, that I am about to resolve against it forever…..the Truth is, I have always had an incorrigible inclination to the Vanity of Rhyming, but intended the Effects of that Humour only for my own Amusement in a retir’d Life” (Williamson 64).

            Because translation was thought of as “feminine” (it was non-original), it was viewed as being well suited for women. Renaissance female translators, despite being discouraged from creating their own original work, did inject their own translations, thus adding or shifting emphasis, coining new terms, extending metaphors, omitting phrases and made the vernacular fit (Wilson xxx).

            Philips’ translation of Corneille’s “Pompey” was enthusiastically received at the new Theatre Royal in Dublin, in 1663 and was later published in Ireland and London (Limbert 180). Philips also left behind a partial translation of Corneille’s “Horace”, which was later completed by Sir John Denham; it became a favorite of the court of Charles II (Limbert 181).

Friendship Poems

            Shortly after her marriage her poems began to be circulated widely by her coterie of friends who were also the subjects of her verses (Limbert 180). Her best works were platonic friendship poems about other women; she used symbolic trappings of fire, water and twinned spirits to elevate them to goddess status (Limbert 180). No evidence exists to show that any of the women responded in a similar fashion (Limbert 180).

            During the time of the Renaissance, gender was bound in a hierarchy in which men and women could not be equals (Mueller 114). Thus men and women could not be friends (Mueller 114). Separate education and socialization for the sexes functioned to reinforce limits on how human equality could be perceived (Mueller 114).

            Philips’ friendship poems provided an acceptable form for women to experience equal relationships. It makes sense to me that women might attempt to share intellectually with other women since the men in their lives didn’t perceive them as intellectual equals. It seems quite logical that people would naturally gravitate toward egalitarian relationships.

            The theme of platonic friendship is found throughout Renaissance literature (Hageman 573). The English writer, George Turberville, described two friends as, “two in bodies twaine/Possessing but one heart” (Hageman 573). The classical assumption made by Renaissance writers was that friendship poems were celebrating the relationships between men (Hageman 573). When women were present in friendship poems they were portrayed as seductresses who separated male friends (Hageman 573). Philips’ friendship poems took for granted that women could be friends with each other as well as with men (Hageman 573). Philips also modeled the male style of uniting spirits and bodies.

            Like many female writers of the seventeenth century, Philips took a traditionally male convention and applied it to female experience, thus providing a forum for their female voices to speak (Mermin 343). Mermin sees the results as revolutionary because Orinda:

            … speaks as a woman, to a woman, usurping the position of the male speaker rather than responding to a man or a male tradition that has spoken first” (Mermin 343).

            In writing about female friendship, Philips gave them value, not only in a literary sense, but in the realm of human relationships. By following the male poetic traditions in her friendship poems, Philips avoided being perceived as threatening to the powers that be. And yet she actually gave power to women by valuing their relationships. New scientific knowledge about the placement of the planets was seen as threatening to current religious beliefs. Through Philips, women found a way to value each other and to speak without posing a threat to patriarchy.

            Most women can probably relate to taking “back seat” status when a woman friend obtains a boyfriend. Her friend is willing to forfeit much of the female relationships to make herself totally available to her lover, thus devaluing the female relationships. Devaluing our relationships is a part that we ourselves play in perpetrating patriarchy.

            Many of Philips’ poems were romantic in nature. I think that many women view romance in a magical sense. The white knight in shining armor ideology is not dead and could be seen as a woman’s magical thinking, especially since science was not perceived to be within the realm of possibilities for women in the seventeenth century. (Teacher – in what sense) It doesn’t seem far fetched to imagine that women writers might use romantic friendship poems with other women as a way to fantasize about what an equal romantic relationship might be like and as a way of coping with their lower social status.

“To My Excellent Lucasia, On Our Friendship”

            Mermin refers to Donne’s and the Cavalier poets’ work as aspiring to a perfect, paradoxical union of souls, canonization of their lovers, casual elegance, along with Metaphysical hyperbole and wit (343). She compares Philip’s amatory poem “To My Excellent Lucasia, On Our Friendship” with this traditional male style:

            “I did not live until this time

                        Crown’d my felicity,

            When I could say without a crime,

                        I am not thine, but Thee.

                        …..

            No bridegroom’s nor crown-conqueror’s mirth

                        To mine compar’d can be:

            They have but pieces of this Earth,

                        I’ve all the World in thee” (Mermin 343).

            Mermin says Philip’s amatory poems lack the dramatic tension between flesh and spirit present in Donne’s amatory verse (Mermin 343). Mernim describes Philips’ work as asexual and respectable, despite the quasi-Sapphic theme and did not give rise to any societal sanction because of the blindness to the possibility of female homosexuality at the time (Mermin 343). She claims to perceive Philips as speaking the language of courtly love without hearing any “unseemly” overtones (Mermin 343).

            Stiebel views “To My Excellent Lucasia…” as Philips’ soul actually becoming Lucasia not simply that Lucasia gave life to her soul (157). As united immortal souls the speaker is given similar attributes as a “bridegroom” or a “crown-conqueror”, while at the same time, remain innocent because they are females (Stiebel 157).

            Stiebel compares “To My Excellent Lucasia…” with Donne’s “The Sun Rising”:

            “She’s all states, and all princes I / Nothing else is” (Stiebel 157).

Stiebel claims that Donne forces the reader to view their relationship as traditional courtly desire that goes through a transformation to a sacramental union where soul-mates share the divine (Stiebel 157). Donne as speaker invokes spirituality and innocent design to justify the use of excessive language (Stiebel 157). This is further illustrated in the poem:

            “As innocent as our design,

            Immortal as our soul” (Stiebel 165-166).

            Stiebel further claims that traditional readings of Philips’ friendship poems have either ignored or denied the lesbian sexuality of her verses, dismissing them as asexual examples of the current literary vernacular (Stiebel 153). Stiebel says that Mermin’s use of “unseemly” relates her attitude about female homosexuality (153).

            Stiebel discusses Faderman’s study in which she insists that “historically there was no such thing as a `lesbian” (Stiebel 154). Another reason that Philips could claim that love between two women was innocent is because, as Queen Victoria asked, “What could women do?” (Stiebel 158). In a culture that defines sexual behavior with linkage to male anatomy, sex without men was not only unthinkable, it was impossible (Stiebel 158).

            Since the Renaissance had no concept of lesbianism, female poets were free to let their creativity flow within the acceptable framework of female friendship poetry. Women writers today couldn’t write the same poetry without homosexuality being questioned, simply because the concept of homosexuality is a part of our public discourse – it is a part of our reality.

            As I see it, women were trying to use men as role models, but of course the fit is not always appropriate. It was not socially acceptable for women to be assertive with love for men, so they directed themselves toward something they had experience with, intimate friendships with other women. I think that any woman today could relate to the level of intimacy and level of acceptance that you can share with a woman friend. It seems to me that Philips did a splendid job modeling traditional male amatory style in the above poem to Lucasia.

            I think that both authors’ perceptions make valid points. Society certainly has tried to ignore and/or deny homosexuality in general, so it wouldn’t seem surprising that seventeenth century readers wouldn’t “see” the possibility in Philips work. I can also see that her friendship poems could easily be read as asexual, modeling male conventions. One’s perception might  originate from one’s attitude and comfort with the topic of homosexuality. From my feminist perspective, I think that it is certainly possible that Philips was a lesbian. For me, it’s not an issue. What I value is her talent and courage as a woman to write at the time she did, and the fact that her voice was and is being heard. She gave value to women’s life experiences, which realistically does include heterosexual and/or homosexual   perspectives.

 “Orinda To Lucasia”

            Philips compared herself to nature in “Orinda to Lucasia”:

            “Observe the weary birds ere night be done,

            How they would fain call up the tardy Sun,

                        With feathers hung with dew,

                        And trembling voices too,

            They court their glorious planet to appear,

            That they may find recruits of spirits there.

                        The drooping flowers hang their heads,

                        And languish down into their beds:

            While brooks more bold and fierce than they,

                        Wanting those beams, from whence

                        All things drink influence,

            Openly murmur and demand the day”  (Mermin 344).

            Mermin claims that Orinda compares herself to nature awaiting the fecundating sun, the image of male sexual force, frequently used my women poets (344). 

            Stiebel says Lucasia is the sun who will restore the light and energy of the day (life) to Orinda, who calls for her friend to appear like the birds, flowers and brooks call for their own rebirth at a delayed sunrise (156-157). Lucasia means more to her than the sun to the world and if Lucasia doesn’t arrive soon she will see her die rather than be able to save her (Stiebel 156-157). The conventional oxymoronic terms such as light versus dark, day versus night, presence versus absence and life versus death are what Orinda used (Stiebel 156-157). Elements of nature were used to reflect her state of being, and in a reversal of the magnitude of traditional significance, illustrated microcosmically in relation to the macrocosm of Orinda’s feelings (Stiebel 156-157).   

            Since I believe that artists are unconsciously relating a sense of their time, I don’t necessarily think that Orinda was referring to a sexual power. Why not the innate power of her spirit to be free in the controlled time in which she was part. I get an image of her definitely using nature to illustrate powerful hierarchy, like the brooks being more powerful than the flowers and yet all desiring the beams to “drink” in influence (which IS power).

            Mermin labeled the sun “fecundating”; other definitions of the word are: to make fruitful, prolific, to fertilize, to impregnate, fertile, and rich in inventive power. I think Mermin was really making a stretch in relating it to male sexual power.

            I agree Orinda probably saw herself as a flower compared to the brook, but I fail to see any sexual reference. Any woman who was bold enough to write at that time was a strong woman for whom power would not only rest within a sexual frame. I value the power to write freely what your spirit (your unconscious voice) brings to you from the universe, rather than having to write artlessly and avoid fracturing any male egos. As a woman who likes to write I can identify with Orinda’s “demanding the day”. She wanted her voice to be heard, she wanted to be taken seriously, I cannot begin to see how Mermin makes sexual connections. I can see that women did identify themselves with nature.

Male Responses

     Mermin says that women writers were praised easily, if not condescendingly (336). She provides an example of what one of Philip’s editors said in a preface of her published poems: would be no disgrace to the name of any Man that amongst us is most esteemed for his excellency in this kind, and there are none that may not pass with favour, when it is remembered that they fell hastily from the pen but of a Woman (Mermin 336). Abraham Cowley said that Philips was, “the only genuine woman poet known to history” (Mermin 337).

Cowley wrote of her in verse:

            We allow’d you beauty,

            and we did submit

            To all the tyrannies of it,

            Ah cruel Sex!”

            will you dispose us too in Wit? (Mermin 336).

The Earl of Orrery wrote to Mrs. Philips:

            In me it does not the least trouble breed,

            That your fair sex does ours,

            in verse exceed (Mermin 336).

            Even a century and a half later Keats prefaced his praise for her poems with a nasty snarl at intellectual women (Mermin 337).

An anonymous woman commented felicitously:

            Thou glory of our sex, envy of men,

            Who are both pleas’d and vex’d with thy bright pen (Mermin 337).

            Philips’ physical person, her beauty, was generally the prime target of criticism (Mermin 338). Henry Vaughn said of her:

            language Smiles, and accents rise

            As quick, and pleasing as your Eyes,

            The Poem smooth, and in each line

            Soft as your selfe (Mermin 338).

The beauty and virtue of her poetry are the same as her body; they are thus both exposed (Mermin 338).

            The quotations certainly illustrate men’s attitudes towards Philips.

Conclusion

            Around 1663 a group of Philips’ poems fell into the hands of a London publisher Richard Marriott; he filed to print a pirated edition on November 25, 1663 (Limbert 181). Philips was in London at the time to do business for her husband and to see that her friends were able to suppress the pirated edition (Limbert 181). While still in London, she died of small pox on June 22, 1664 (Limbert 181). Philips’ legacy included publishing one volume of verses, one of letters, and the translation of two plays (Williamson 19).

            Philips claimed for women the ability to build and sustain friendships, to voice healthy skepticism about love and marriage, to realize identity and integrity in private worlds, and to write about their personal experience (Williamson 78). For a woman of middling background who died at thirty-three in a chaotic age, this was not a meager achievement (Williamson 78).  

            I am willing to bet that many people today, not having studied women’s history, have an image of women as quite passive historically. Many people today if asked might say that feminists’ voices came about in the late 1960’s and early 1970’s – the modern feminist movement. I know that women have been trying to scream out for equality, in whatever way they could, since time began.

            In conclusion the words of Wilson seem to sum it all up:

            Participation – any participation – in the shaping of language is social power. The written word as a signifier of status and power, is capable of bestowing parity to male and female in that privileged space. The literary labor of Renaissance women writers thus articulates a desire, however subliminal, for the status and power which that equality             implies. Assuming the voice of a poet, engaging in the shaping, defining and ordering of experience, participating in constructing and creating, women of the fifteenth and sixteenth centuries could temporarily offset the hierarchies of gender and become the equals of men in the act of creation (Wilson xxxii).

Works Cited

Hageman, Elizabeth H. “The Matchless Orinda: Katherine Philips.”  Women Writers of the Renaissance and          Reformation. Ed. Katharina M. Wilson. Athens: University of Georgia Press, 1987. 566-608.

Limbert, Claudia. “Two Poems and a Prose Receipt: The Unpublished Juvenilia of Katherine Philips” (text)   Women in the Renaissance. Ed. Kirby Farrell,   Elizabeth H. Hageman, and Arthur Kinney.  Amherst:             University of Massachusetts Press, 1988, 179-186.

Mermin, Dorothy. “Women Becoming Poets: Katherine Philips, Aphra Behn, Anne Finch.” English Literary     History 57.2 (1990): 335-356.

Mueller, Janel. “Lesbian Erotics: The Utopian Trope of Donne’s `Sapho to Philaenis.'” Homosexuality in            Renaissance and Enlightenment England: Literary Representations in Historical Context. Ed. Claude    J. Summers. New York: Harrington Press, 1992. 103-134.   

Stiebel, Arlene. “Not Since Sappho: The Erotic Poems of Katherine             Philips and Aphra Behn.” Homosexuality           in Renaissance and Enlightenment England: Literary Representations in Historical Context. Ed.       Claude J.  Summers. New York: Harrington Press, 1992. 103-134.  

Williamson, Marilyn L. RAISING THEIR VOICES British Women Writers, 1650-1750. Detroit: Wayne State     UP, 1990.

Wilson Katharina M. Ed. Introduction. Women Writers of the Renaissance and Reformation. Athens:             University of Georgia Press, 1987.    

“To My Excellent Lucasia, On Our Friendship”

            “I did not live until this time

                        Crown’d my felicity,

            When I could say without a crime,

                        I am not thine, but thee.

            This carcass breath’d, and walkt, and slept,

                        So that the world believ’d

            There was a soul the motions kept;

                        But they all were deceiv’d.

            For as a watch by art is wound

                        To motion, such was mine:

            But never had Orinda found

                        A soul till she found thine;

            Which now inspires, cures, and supplies,

                        And guides my darkned breast:

            For thou art all that I can prize,

                        My joy, my life, my rest.

            No bridegroom’s nor crown-conqueror’s mirth

                        To mine compar’d can be:

            They have but pieces of the earth,

                        I’ve all the World in thee.

            Then let our flames still light and shine,

                        And no false fear controul,

            As innocent as our design,

                        Immortal as our soul.”                          (Stiebel 165-166)

“Orinda to Lucasia”

            “Observe the weary birds ere night be done,

            How they would fain call up the tardy sun,

                        With feathers hung with dew,

                        And trembling voices too.

            They court their glorious planet to appear,

            That they may find recruits of spirits there.

                        The drooping flowers hang their heads,

                        And languish down into their beds:

            While brooks more bold and fierce than they

                        Wanting those beams, from whence

                        All things drink influence,

            Openly murmur and demand the day.

            Thou my Lucasia are far more to me,

            Than he to all the under-world can be;

                        From thee I’ve heat and light,

                        Thy absence makes my night.

            But ah! my friend, it now grows very long;

            The sadness weighty, and the darkness strong:

                        My tears (its dew) dwell on my cheeks,

                        And still my heart thy dawning seeks,

            And to thee mournfully it cries,

                        That if too long I wait,

                        Ev’n thou may’st come too late,

                        And not restore my life, but close my eyes.”

(Stiebel 165)

“Friendship’s Mystery. To My Dearest Lucasia.”

            “Come, my Lucasia, since we see

                        That Miracles Mens faith do move,

            By wonder and by prodigy

                        To the dull angry world let’s prove

                        There’s a Religion in our Love.

            For though we were design’d t’agree,

                        That Fate no liberty destroyes,

            But our Election is as free

                        As Angels, who with greedy choice

                        Are yet determin’d to their joyes.

            Our hearts are doubled by the loss,

                        Here Mixture is addition grown;

            We both diffuse, and both ingross:

                        And we whose minds are so much one,

                        Never, yet ever are alone.

            We court our own Captivity

                        Than Thrones more great and innocent:

            ‘Twere banishment to be set free,

                        Since we wear fetters whose intent

                        Not Bondage is, but Ornament.

            Divided joys are tedious found,

                        And griefs united easier grow:

            We are our selves but by rebound,

                        And all our Titles shuffled so,

                        Both Princes, and both Subjects too.

            Our Hearts are mutual Victims laid,

                        While they (such power in Friendship lies)

            Are Alters, Priests, and Off’rings made:

                        And each Heart which thus kindly dies,

                        Grows deathless by the Scarifice.” ( Hageman 588-589)

“A Retir’d Friendship. To Ardelia”

            “Come, my Ardelia, to this Bower

                        Where kindly mingling Souls awhile

            Lets innocently spend an hour,

                        And at all serious follies smile.

            Here is no quarrelling for Crowns,

                        Nor fear of changes in our Fate;

            No trembling at the great ones frowns,

                        Nor any slavery of State.

            Here’s no disguise  nor treachery,

                        Nor any deep conceal’d design;

            From Bloud and Plots this Place is free

                        And calm as are those looks of thine.

            Here let us sit and bless our Stars

                        Who did such happy quiet give,

            As that remov’d from noise of Wars 

                        In one anothers hearts we live.

            Why should we entertain a fear?

                        Love cares not how the World is turned:

            If crouds of dangers should appear,

                        Yet friendship can be unconcern’d.

            We wear about us such a charm,

                        No horrour can be our offence;

            For mischief’s self can do no harm

                        To Friendship or to Innocence.

            Let’s mark how soon Apollo’s beams

                        Commands the flocks to quit their meat,

            And not entreat the neighbouring streams

                        To quench their thirst, but coole their heat.

            In such a scorching Age as this

                        Who would not ever seek a shade,

            Deserve their Happiness to miss,

                        As having their own peace betray’d.

            But we (of one anothers mind

                        Assur’d) the bois’trous World distain;

            With quiet Souls and unconfin’d

                        Enjoy what princes wish in vain.” (Hageman 592-593)

Philips Juvenilia

            “No blooming youth shall ever make me err

            I will the beauty of the mind prefer

            If himans rites shall call me hence

            It shall be with some man of sence

            Nott with the great butt with a good estate

            Nott too well read nor yet illetterate

            In all his actions moderate grave & wise

            Redyer to bear than offer injuries

            And in good works a constant doer

            Faithfull in promise & liberall to the poor

            He thus being quallified is allways seen

            Ready to serve his friend his country & his king

            Such men as these yout say there are but a few

            Their hard to find & I must grant it too

            Butt if I ever hap to change my life

            Its only such a man shall call me wife.

                                                            Humbly Dedicated too Mrs. Anne Barlow

                                                            C. Fowler”                    (Limbert 185-186)

Excerpts from the poem on the reverse side:

            “A marry’d state affords but little Ease

            The best of husbands are so hard to please

            This in wifes Carefull faces you may spell

            Tho they desemble their misfortunes well

            A virgin state is crownd with much content

            Its allways happy as its inocent

            No Blustering husbands to create y’r fears

            No pangs of child birth to extort y’r tears

            No childrens crys for to offend your ears

            Few worldly crosses to distract y’r prayers   

            Thus you are freed from all the cares that do

            Attend on matrymony & a husband too

            Therefore Mad’m be advised my me

            Turn apostate to loves Levity

            Supress wild nature if she dare rebell

            Theres no such thing as leading Apes in hell” (Limbert 186)

POLITICAL POEM

            Orinda wrote to a private audience, about private life; she even pretended to do so when her subject was quite public and political:

            “I think not on the State, nor am concern’d

            Which way soever the great helm is turn’d.”

            She says this despite the fact that she was writing about the most political event of her time, the regicide of King Charles I. Which she claimed justified, “the breach of Nature’s laws” – her writing. (Mermin 341) The great power in the ideology of women’s lower status in the fact that women themselves believe it too, as the above illustrates.

            One might compare Philips with McClintock in that she was without question excellent, was recognized as such by male peers, but lacked acclaim, acceptance and privilege of style afforded to men. One way she differs from McClintock is that she “played the system” using her womenly wiles to get men to act in her behalf; this was not McClintock’s style. 

INVITATION TO THE COUNTRY

            In writing of friendship Orinda had Francis Finch as a role model. She compared his “Discourse of Friendship” which served as inspiration to her, to the Northern Star, guiding men, like wandering mariners, to their happiness. (Williamson 71)

            “Invitation to the Country” was a poem that illustrates Philips linking retirement poetry with friendship (a popular style at the time). The speaker says tells Rosania that the country life allows understanding of the true values of the world, nature, and the Deity:

            “Man unconcern’d without himself may be

            His own both Prospect and Security.

            Kings may be slaves by their own Passions hurl’d,

            But who commands himself commands the World.

            A Country-life assists this study best,

            Where no distractions do the Soul arrest;

            There Heav’n and Earth lie open to our view,

            There we search Nature and its Author too.

            …………………………………….

            There (my Rosania) will we, mingling Souls,

            Pity the Folly which the World controuls.” (Williamson 71).

—————————————————————————————————————————–

2-12-95    

Paper Topic and Preliminary Bibliography

            I want to learn about Katherine Philips and Aphra Behn, both seventeenth century poets. I plan to learn about historic poetry and at the same time serve one of my feminist goals, to assist in bringing women’s voices to the center of intellectual public discussion. I want to learn how they perceived the reality of the seventeenth century differently than those I have already studied.  

Bibliography in progress:

Farrell, Kirby., Hageman, Elizabeth., Kinney Arthur. ed Women in the Renaissance.  Amherst: University of   Massachusetts Press: 1988

Gallagher, Catherine. Rev. of The Works of Aphra Behn v1 Poetry, by Aphra Behn. The Times Literary          Supplement. v. no 4719, Sept 10, 1993: 3-4.

Goreau, Angeline. Reconstructing Aphra. New York: Dial Press., 1980.

Limbert, Claudia. “The Poetry of Katherine Philips: Holographs,  Manuscripts, and Early Printed Texts”.            Philological Quarterly. v. 70 Spring 1991: 181-98.

Limbert, Claudia. The Collected Works of Katherine Philips, the Matchless Orinda v1 The Poems, by     Kathrine Philips. Philological Quarterly. v. 70, Fall 1991: 503-5.  

Loscocco, Paula. “`Manly Sweetness’: Katherine Philips Among the Neoclassicals”.  The Huntington Library           Quarterly v. 56, Summer 1993: 259-79.  

Mermin, Dorothy. “Women Becoming Poets: Katherine Philips, Aphra Behn, Anne Finch”, English Literary     History. 57.2 1990: 335-56.

Mueller, Janel. “Lesbian Erotics: The Utopian Trope of Donne’s “Sapho to Philaenis.””  Homosexuality in          Renaissance and Enlightenment England: Literary Representations in Historical Context Ed. Claude     J. Summers. New York:  Harrington Press., 1992. 103-134.         

Mulvihill, Maureen, E. Rev. of The Collected Works of Katherine Philips, the Matchless Orinda v1 The   Poems, by Katherine Philips. Eighteenth-Century Studies. v. 26, Winter 1992\93: 346-9. 700.5 E34

Souers, Philip Webster. The Matchless Orinda. Cambridge: Harvard UP, 1931. 

Stiebel, Arlene. “Not Since Sappo: The Erotic Poems of Katherine Philips and Aphra Behn.” Homosexuality in       Renaissance and Enlightenment England: Literary Representations in Historical Context Ed. Claude        J. Summers. New York: Harrington Press., 1992.

Summers, Montague, Ed. The Works of Aphra Behn. London, 1915.

Williamson, Marilyn L. RAISING THEIR VOICES British Women Writers, 1650-1750.  Detroit: Wayne State University Press., 1990.  

HAVE:

Cerasano, S.P., and Marion Wynne-Davies. Ed. GLORIANA’S FACE Women, Public and Private, in the English        Renaissance. Detroit: Wayne State University Press., 1992.

Travitsky, Betty. Ed The Paradise of Women Writings by Englishwomen of the Renaissance New York: Columbia University Press: 1989. 

Migiel, Marilyn and Juliana Schiesari. Ed Refiguring Woman Perspectives on Gender and the Italian        Renaissance  Ithaca: Cornell University Press: 1991. 

Wilson, Katharina, M. Ed Women Writes of the Renaissance and Reformation  Athens: The University of          Geogia Press: 1987.

Williamson, Marilyn L. RAISING THEIR VOICES British Women Writers, 1650-1750  Detroit: Wayne State     University Press.,  1990.  

            The reality of lesbianism tried to be perceived as the reality that it was. Lesbian spirits longed for freedom, acceptance and expression.

            They faced great difficulty being just another accepted reality of life. More difficult than “the breaking of the circle”, more difficult than Harvey’s new ideas about circulation.

            Only man’s ingrained ATTITUDES and inability to easily rise above them prevents faster human knowledge and growth. Lesbians tried to come out in the Renaissance – their world refused to perceive it.

            Gayness not a moral question, just a part of reality, a part of nature.

            Man seeks to generalize our minds try to correlate with what we already understand to make things “fit” in our already molded attitudes. Why such barriers to the continuum of sexuality and\or preference? As Nicholson said, Old habits die hard”.

Boswell, John. Christianity, Social Tolerance and Homosexuality: Gay People in Western Europe From the     Beginning of the Christian Era to the 14th Century Chicago: University of Chicago Press., 1980.             Recently (1-95) died of Aids (Winner: American Book Award for History, 1981)

Saslow, James. Ganymede in the Renaissance: Homosexuality in Art & Society. 1986

Bray, Alan. “Homosexuality in Renaissance England”. 1982                  

Saslow, James. Ganymede in the Renaissance: Homosexuality in Art & Society. 1986

Lesbians: Coming Out for Equality

Pat Anderson

De Paul University, Fall 1996

Inequality in American Society, PSC 324

Stan Howard, Ph.D.

Lesbian Lives: Historical Plight for Inclusion

            Other than the occasional sighting of a “stone bull dyke,” the stereotypical lesbian drag king, lesbians have been relatively invisible. Before I came out as a lesbian five years ago I had never knowingly met a lesbian and initially had no idea where I might find “them.” Within the last few years lesbian visibility has become more common. Most heterosexuals could probably actually think of a lesbian they knew by name: Rock star, Melissa Etheridge, recording artist, K.D. Lang and Martina is all you need to say to bring the tennis legend to mind. Of course, this has not been always been the case …

            Historians have discovered lesbian ghettos all the way back to the early sixth century BC. Because of the stigma and shame implied, women of past generations rarely admitted their attraction to women. Closeted lifestyles kept them from social critique (Ettorre 248).

            According to Arlene Stiebel (1992), historically speaking there was no such thing as a lesbian (154). She has written about the relative ease of lesbian relationships during the Renaissance. Lesbian authors wrote openly about their romantic friendships with each other without fear of discovery. During the Renaissance there was no sex without penetration, thus lesbian relationships could only be viewed as innocent. Queen Victoria once asked, “What could women do” (Stiebel 158)? Phallocentric culture defines sex around the penis, so sex without a male is impossible (Stiebel 158).          

            The history of the word homosexual is illustrative of society’s abnormal and distorted image of it. When it was first used in the eighteen fifties, homosexual referred to males and females and meant the inability to have a “normal” erection (Unger & Crawford 345). During the nineteenth century, many North American women lived and wrote about their lesbian lives together, yet they were not labeled lesbians (Unger & Crawford 346).

            Traditional discourse on homosexuality has revolved around males. Lesbians had little credibility and their social relevance was merely to delight male fantasies. Acceptable sexuality for women always involved male partners (Ettorre 247).

            Lesbians were originally excluded from the civil rights, women’s and gay liberation movements of the late nineteen sixties. Many gay men in the Gay Liberation Front (GLF) held the same sexist assumptions about women’s roles as heterosexual men (Marotta 238). They faced sexism within the gay liberation movement itself.  Lesbian issues were even excluded within the National Organization for Women (NOW).

            According to Toby Marotta (1981) lesbians were forced to begin their own separate lesbian feminist movement outside of NOW. One of the groups formed to work toward lesbian inclusion was the Radicalesbians (Marotta 230). Rita Mae Brown was forced to resign from NOW after failing to obtain NOW’s approval to include lesbian concerns. NOW leaders were uneasy about Brown’s open lesbianism and weren’t willing to officially use their voice to speak for lesbians (Marotta 234). Just the mention of the word lesbian and NOW’s Executive Committee would have a collective heart attack (Marotta 235).

            Brown tried to get NOW members to see that by excluding lesbians they were oppressing other women. Brown reminded NOW members that the image they were trying to uphold was male-oriented (Marotta 235). By excluding lesbians, they were being obedient to patriarchy.

            The Radicalesbians had to encourage each other to express themselves freely due to the fact that male-identified lesbians had been ostracized for not meeting “female” standards of appearance and behavior (Marotta 314). In the nineteen seventies lesbians weren’t free to be who they really were even among themselves. Just like heterosexual women, lesbians internalize male-defined identities and inferiorities which results in self-hatred and group in-fighting. If feminists and gay men wanted to exclude lesbians, it’s not hard to extrapolate that society wasn’t any where near ready for lesbians to leave their closets.

            Historically, due to the denial of lesbian existence, heterosexuals were the ones in the closet. But once society stuck its awareness out of the closet and saw lesbians, it was lesbians who were shoved into the closet.  

Origin

            Heterosexism and homophobia are two theoretical frameworks that are inseparable in explaining lesbian exclusion. Heterosexism is the institutionalized assumption that everyone is heterosexual and if they’re not, they should be. This assumption then sets the stage for homophobia by assuming that the world is and must be heterosexual (Pharr 16). Heterosexism is also a value that uses religion to enforce homophobia. Heterosexist family values makes women loving males inherently superior and gives it the right of dominance.

            Because it’s a value of the ruling class, heterosexism holds enormous power. Pharr explains that its power is in defining norms and standards of righteousness that others are often judged in relation to (53). Norms are empowered through institutionalization, economic power and violence to make them complete. These norms represent the few with power (Pharr 53). Audre Lorde (1992) refers to American norms as “mythical norms”, they include being white, thin, male, heterosexual, Christian and financially secure (Lorde 214).  

            Homophobia is an irrational fear and hatred of people who love and sexually desire their own sex (Pharr 1). Homophobia acts as a social control because it encourages males to act more masculine just to prove they’re not gay. It also separates masculinity and femininity by discouraging men from exhibiting caring, gentleness or nurturing for fear of being accused of a so-called feminine trait (Anderson 37). Lesbians are threatening because they expose contradictions in our beliefs about biology, culture, sexuality, femininity and women in general (Ettorre 243). Our society is male-oriented and propagates sexual ideas that cater to the interests of the elite males (Ettorre 244).

            The power of homophobia and heterosexism is profound because it’s so intricately entrenched in American culture that most heterosexual people don’t see it and the harm it inflicts on lesbians. At a recent Anti-Homophobia workshop at De Paul University, Richard Friend (1996), referred to homophobia and heterosexism as a “loud silence.” Silent unconscious assumptions of heterosexuals that scream at the consciousness of homosexuals.

            Heterosexism and homophobia are enforcers of patriarchal power (Pharr 16-17). Together they attempt to control and limit sexuality. Heterosexuality is the only sexuality allowed. Lesbian sexuality excludes men so it’s labeled abnormal, unnatural and is relegated to closet expression.

                     Persistence        

            Homophobia and heterosexism maintain, reinforce and are actual off-springs of the Anglo-Saxon Protestant ethic. This dominant elite morality controls sexuality through heterosexism and homophobia. Because of its enormous power it’s morality is afforded credibility among most traditional religions. Rugged individualism is a value attributed to males. Lesbians are seen as disobedient “Others”, despite the rugged individualism it takes to survive in a hostile heterosexist culture.

            Internalized homophobia has worked to keep lesbians isolated from other lesbians and when combined with compulsory heterosexuality makes lesbians feel unacceptable. Without visible role models in society, lesbians feel different, alone and end up blaming themselves (Pharr 71).

            Passing, or appearing to be heterosexual, is a tactic that has allowed many lesbians to hide, thus attaining heterosexual privilege. But passing prevents lesbians from meeting and bonding with one another (Pharr 72). This phenomenon has also prevented lesbians from becoming politically and socially active in fighting homophobia (Pharr 73).      

            Religious words and phrases like “abomination”, “crime against nature”, “sick”, “evil”, “sinful” are used to label homosexuals. When you grow up internalizing these ideas it makes it difficult to accept being a lesbians to one’s self, let alone to develop a political consciousness or more importantly a healthy self-worth (Ettorre 247). This powerful degradation of the self is similar to what blacks have experienced through fallacious claims of inferiority.

            The fear of lesbianism is so bad in the black community that it has led Black women into testifying against each other; some have been led into destructive alliances, others into isolation and despair. Black lesbians are viewed as threats to Black nationhood, as enemies and as un-Black. This keeps black women in hiding between homophobia of blacks and racism of white women (Lorde 219-220). Being a lesbian adds an additional cultural layer to one’s identity. Diverse identities among women has separated them from other cultural aspects of themselves and from each other.

            Our culture has institutionalized sexuality and uses all its avenues to implant the dominant ideology about sexuality. Social status is granted for obeying the norms (Ettorre 244). Those who don’t fit are viewed as “Other” and labeled abnormal, deviant, inferior and not completely human. Norms don’t understand the “Others”, but “Others” always understand the “Norm” in order to protect themselves. The “Other’s” life is kept invisible, if an oppressed group is not seen it enforces the notion that the “Norm” is the majority – “Others” don’t exist or count (Pharr 58). Unless we demand expansion of the “Norms” to include alternative sexualities, lesbian status as “Other” will be maintained, even among women and lesbians themselves.    

            “Others” are labeled with negative stereotypes that dehumanize them and serve to allow “Norms” to justify exclusion (Pharr 59). Homophobic labels depict lesbians as child molesters and perverts; they’re threatening to “family values” and they recruit heterosexual women. (One wonders what societal perks are used as sales tactics by recruiters). These labels provide plenty of rationale for discriminating against lesbians. Lesbians internalize these negative stereotypes and images that also blame them for their situation; this leads to low self-esteem and self-blame (Pharr 59). Heterosexist “norms” and values maintain women’s dependence on men, male/female role playing and penile sexuality.

            Lesbians share a zero-sum phenomenon similar to what African Americans have experienced – any perceived gains for blacks are seen as losses for whites. Some criticize the feminist movement and assumed that work done on behalf of women is work done against men (Pharr 24). It is assumed that because lesbians have stepped out of sexual and economic dependence on men that they hate and are against men. Lesbians threaten male dominance, control and the nuclear family (Pharr 18). This ideology poses a threat to all women in that any woman who fights for the rights of women or steps out of her prescribed role risks being labeled a lesbian. Once labeled as a lesbian there is no real way to prove one’s sexuality (Pharr 19). This fear prevents many women from joining the feminist movement and decreases the odds that all women’s inclusion will be attained. It is wrongly assumed that most feminists are lesbians and that all lesbians are feminists. Thus many women who believe in feminist ideology deny being a feminist because it means being labeled a man-hater and/or lesbian (Pharr 24). Many heterosexual women see lesbians as standing in contradiction to the sacrifices they make in conforming to mandatory heterosexuality (Pharr 18). These commonly held misperceptions serve to perpetuate the exclusion of lesbians and women in general. The effects of homophobia and heterosexism go hand in hand maintaining lesbian exclusion. 

          Consequences

            Lesbians share economic parity with women in general who make less money than men. The combined income of two lesbians is less than a household with a male and female or two gay men. Sometimes the sheer force of economics encourages lesbians who are dating to move in together before either of them are ready to do so emotionally.

            Economics is a weapon used to control women and lesbians. The National Commission on Working Women claims that the average woman earns sixty four per cent of what men earn (Pharr 10). The economic weapon works particularly well to keep lesbians in the closet for fear of loosing their jobs. In order to survive financially they’re sometimes forced to tolerate abuse and isolation at work (Pharr 12-13).

            Lesbians loose jobs, fail to get a promotions, face discrimination or can even be seen as a liability in the work place because of their sexuality. It’s as if heterosexuals could be corrupted and contaminated in the presence of a lesbian (Ettorre 246).

            Lesbians who develop committed relationships with one another do not enjoy equal status with heterosexual couples. They have not been recognized as a couple so even the idea of domestic partnership benefits, marriage, survivor benefits, hospital visitation rights for partners, adoption of one of the partners children and even maintaining custody of their own children has been a struggle for those who dared to admit being lesbians.

            Lesbians risk loosing custody of their children just because they’re lesbians, even if the other parent is a known abuser (Pharr 21). There are written and unwritten laws that prevent lesbians from adopting and fostering children due to an irrational fear that children will be influenced to become homosexual or will be abused. Despite the fact that ninety five percent of child sexual abusers are heterosexual men there are no policies to prevent heterosexual men from teaching or working with children (Pharr 22).

            In nineteen ninety six, the Federal Employment Non-Discrimination Act (ENDA) failed to pass by one vote. This law would have outlawed workplace discrimination on the basis of sexual orientation. Today lesbians and gays can be fired or not hired merely for being homosexual.

            In nineteen ninety six lesbians and gays rights were given another blow when the Defense of Marriage Act (DOMA) passed. This act truly demonstrated the homophobia of legislators. They pass a bill preventing recognition of gay marriages BEFORE gay marriages are even legal! It was certainly defensive posturing of congressional officials. It’s almost as if the gain of lesbian and gay marriage would somehow mean losses for heterosexual marriages – zero sum thinking again. Homophobia propagates the myth that if lesbians and gays are allowed to marry and gain spousal benefits there won’t be enough for heterosexuals. Wouldn’t marriage actually make lesbians conform? This is an example of wasteful discriminatory energy.   

            Many lesbians are not accepted by their own family and friends. Many are literally thrown out of their homes when they come out. Inferiority is a powerful control mechanism propagated by homophobia and heterosexism. It takes a profound toll on the self esteem of lesbians. They suffer serious psychological problems accepting themselves because of societal rejection. One young woman described her experience growing up in a homophobic home. It was as if she were a Jewish kid raised in a Nazi home (Friend 1996). 

            Lesbians and gay men are subjected to being beaten, raped, killed, subjected to aversive therapy and placed in mental hospitals just for being who they are (Pharr 23). Despite the fact that the American Psychiatric Association removed homosexuality from their list of diagnosis in nineteen seventy three (Unger & Crawford 347), a recent 20\20 show (American Broadcasting 1996) told the story of teenage girl whose mother kidnapped her and brought her to a mental hospital for treatment when she found out she was a lesbian. The girl reported that many of the other teens there were also being treated for being gay.

            Depression and suicide can be the results of being subjected to societal hatred (Pharr 23). According to Richard Friend (1996) suicide is epidemic among gay young people and is the leading cause of death in gay teens. Its two to three times higher than the heterosexual rate. The leading indicator of a potential suicide in a gay male teen is effeminacy; they’re most likely to be harassed and to commit suicide. This also reflects the drastic nature of sexism in that a male is most hated for being like a female (Friend 1996).

            The right-wing perspective sees women’s self determination and control over their own bodies as threatening to the nuclear family so one of their main focuses has been on homosexuality (Pharr 17). The religious right exhibits it’s heterosexism and homophobia through it’s sin theory that relies upon the bible for evidence. Discrimination against homosexuals is justified through biblical translations, despite the fact that the word homosexual doesn’t appear in the bible. English biblical translations exhibited bias against homosexuals that has served to limit their civil and human rights (Pharr 3). Eight alleged biblical references to homosexuals must be looked at within the context of hundreds of references to the need to justly distribute wealth. Not many people reference the bible to argue for a redistribution of wealth (Pharr 3).

            Concerns of the religious-political right are shared even by those who don’t necessarily identify with their view about homosexuality being a prime contributor to America’s spiritual degeneracy (Corbett 187). Surveys have shown that eighty percent of Americans think that homosexuality is nearly or always wrong (Corbett 188). Being labeled immoral is spiritually degrading.

            Homosexuals are the most frequent victim of hate crimes. A recent Jenni Jones show demonstrated just how bad people feel about gays. A gay man on the show said that he liked a man who was heterosexual. The heterosexual man shot and killed the gay man simply for saying he liked him. Apparently it’s better to be known as a murderer than to being in any way associated with being gay (Friend 1996).

            Last August two anti-gay murders were committed in Oklahoma. Albert Bixler was beaten to death with a tire iron and Charles Meers was beaten, stabbed, shot, doused with gasoline and then lit on fire. Fred Mangione was stabbed to death outside of a bar in Houston. An Oregon lesbian couple, Michelle Abdill and Roxana Kay Ellis, were murdered last September (Outlines 20).

            In order to maintain power violence and the threat of violence must be used (Pharr 55). The interplay of institutional and person violence is expressed against gays and lesbians through written and unwritten laws. Whether or not it’s police harassment or lack of police protection gays and lesbians are assaulted (Pharr 56). Lesbians also face rape, battering and abuse, the same as heterosexual women, which is frequently not honored in the courts (Pharr 57).

            David Mixner (1993) is an openly gay man and political consultant. He’s also been a close personal friend to Bill Clinton. He receives four to five death threats a week.

            The Gay, Lesbian and Straight Teachers Association asked teachers how their gay and lesbian students were doing. Teachers responded that they had no idea – a telling revelation about the school room climate. Several teachers at the Anti-Homophobia Workshop used the phrase, “hostile hallways” to describe what gay young people face going from class to class.  

            Lesbians and gays experience systematic exclusion within education because there are no images or role models presented. When “greats,” like Walt Whitman, Gertrude Stein, Virginia Woolf (and many others) are discussed in classrooms there is no mention that they were gay. As a lesbian, if you don’t learn about lesbians who did anything worthwhile you think you’re worthless (Anti-Homophobia Workshop). 

            School libraries (grammar and secondary) present a catch twenty two to gay students looking for information on homosexuality. Books on gays are in the reference section, kids who are looking for these books don’t want to ask for them. The libraries put the books in reference because the kids are so desperate for information that they’re afraid they’ll steal the books. Another problem is that information on homosexuality is placed with prostitution, pedophilia, deviance and women in prison (Anti-Homophobia Workshop).

            Members of the Gay, Lesbian and Straight Teachers Association say that schools fail to protect lesbian and gay young people. Teachers fail to intervene when young people talk negatively about gays, they fear that if they speak up about gay bashing someone will think that they’re gay (Anti-Homophobia Workshop).

            On July 31, 1996, in the case of Nabozny v. Podlesny a school district in Wisconsin was found guilty for failing to stop anti-gay abuse. The United States Court of Appeals, for the Seventh Circuit, ruled that schools could be held liable under the federal equal protection act. The court covers Illinois, Indiana and Wisconsin and has in effect said that the “boys will be boys” excuse for ignoring gay abuse is illegal (Lambda). 

          Amelioration… Well Underway

            The nineteen eighties was a decade that brought positive media visibility to African Americans. The Bill Crosby show is only one example that attempted to dispel harmful myths and to present positive role models of African Americans. The nineteen nineties media is doing the same for lesbians. An example of one of innumerable television shows about lesbian and gay people was called, “The Gay 90’s: Sex, Power and Influence,” in which Maria Shriver (1993) labeled this decade the “Gay 90’s.” The show featured prominent and ordinary lesbians and gays who were proud of their identity.

            Visibility has the power to provide role models, dispel fear and enhance self esteem of lesbians. The willingness to be visible says that you’re not ashamed, that there is nothing to be ashamed of in being different. If lesbians can rise above the societally imposed shame about who they are on an individual level, they can, in turn teach society about the harmful nature of heterosexism and homophobia that we’ve all internalized.  Lesbians have to tell the world about their painful subjective experiences – how else could the world know? 

            One of the cures for phobias used by psychologists and counselors is desensitization. Desensitization provides gradual encounters with the fearful objects or situations allowing people to adjust and see that they can maintain control in the presence of cats or snakes, for instance. As more and more lesbians and gays come out hopefully the general public will become desensitized to homosexuality and overcome their homo “phobia”. People can and will learn  that walls don’t crumble in the presence of a lesbian or gay person.

Gay political organizations such as the Log Cabin Republicans, The Human Rights Campaign Fund, The National Gay and Lesbian Task Force, Astraea National Lesbian Action Foundation and The Illinois Federation for Human Rights are a big part of the solution. The Illinois states attorney’s office has lesbian and gay advocates available to assist lesbians and gays facing legal problems. This year the city of Chicago formed a gay chamber of commerce. 

            Classes at DePaul University such as: Lesbian Studies: Contemporary Fiction, Psychology of Women, and The Social Lesbian are very empowering for lesbian identity. Public radio (WBEZ) has shows discussing lesbians and gays issues almost daily. Prime time situation comedy’s now include gay characters. Almost everyone knows that Ellen’s character on Ellen is about to come out in the script. This show has the potential to use humor to teach precious lessons about understanding and tolerance. 

            I think amelioration is progressing well. More and more lesbians are coming out in all aspects of their lives. As more and more lesbians come out, it empowers more to come out. David Mixner (1993) said studies reveal that people who actually know a lesbian or gay person believe that they deserve equal rights. When we are invisible it’s easy to criticize and hate us.    

Works Cited

American Broadcasting Company. (1996) 20\20. ABC Television. September 27.

Anderson, Margaret L. 1993. Thinking About Women. Third  Edition. New York: MacMillan Publishing

Company.

Anti-Homophobia Workshop. DePaul University. October 24, 1996, Room, SAC 254.

Astrachan, Anthony. 1990. “Dividing Lines: Men’s Response to  Women’s Demands for Equality and Power”.            In Issues in Feminism. Ed. Sheila Ruth. Mountain View, CA: Mayfield Publishing Company. 72-79.

Corbett, Julia Mitchell. 1994. Religion in America. Second  Edition. Englewood Cliffs, NJ: Prentice Hall. 

Ettorre, E. M. 1990. “A New Look at Lesbianism”. In Issues in  Feminism. Ed. Sheila Ruth. Mountain View,            CA:  Mayfield Publishing Company. 243-251.

Friend, Richard. (1996). “Interrupting Homophobia in the Schools.” Anti-Homophobia Workshop. DePaul            University. October 24, 1996, Room, SAC 254.

Lambda Legal Defense and Education Fund, Inc. 1996. Handout, Victory in the First Case Against a School    for Anti-Gay Abuse. “Lambda’s Nabozny Case: A Fact Sheet”.

Lorde, Audre. 1992. “Age, Race, Class and Sex: Women  Redefining Difference”. In Ethics: A Feminist      Reader.  Eds. Elizabeth Frazer., Jennifer Hornsby., & Sabina Lovibond. Cambridge  USA:    Blackwell. 212-222. 

Marotta, Toby. 1981. The Politics of Homosexuality. Boston: Houghton Mifflin.   

Mixner, David. 1993. The Gay 90’s: Sex, Power and Influence. Channel Five, WMAQ – TV: Chicago, IL. The             National Broadcasting Network. Television production called “First Person.”

Outlines: The Voice of the Gay and Lesbian Community. 1996. National News Round Up. October, vol 10, no          5:  20.

Pharr, Suzanne. 1988. Homophobia: A Weapon of Sexism.  Little  Rock, AR: Chardon Press. Shriver, Maria.    1993. The Gay 90’s: Sex, Power and Influence. Channel Five, WMAQ -TV: Chicago, IL. The National          Broadcasting Network. Television production called “First Person.”

Stiebel, Arlene. 1992.  “Not Since Sappho: The Erotic Poems of Katherine Philips and Aphra Behn.”              Homosexuality in  Renaissance and Enlightenment England: Literary Representations in Historical    Context. Ed. Claude J. Summers. New York: Harrington Press, 103-134.

Unger, Rhoda and Crawford, Mary. 1992. Women and Gender:  A Feminist Psychology. New York: McGraw-    Hill, Inc.

Bibliography

American Broadcasting Company. (1996) 20\20. ABC Television. September 27.

Anderson, Margaret L. 1993. Thinking About Women. Third Edition. New York: MacMillan Publishing       Company.

Anti-Homophobia Workshop. DePaul University. October 24, 1996,  Room, SAC 254.

Astrachan, Anthony. 1990. “Dividing Lines: Men’s Response to Women’s Demands for Equality and Power”.            In Issues in Feminism. Ed. Sheila Ruth. Mountain View, CA: Mayfield Publishing Company. 72-79.

Corbett, Julia Mitchell. 1994. Religion in America. Second Edition. Englewoon Cliffs, NJ: Prentice Hall. 

Ettorre, E. M. 1990. “A New Look at Lesbianism”. In Issues in Feminism. Ed. Sheila Ruth. Mountain View, CA:     Mayfield Publishing Company. 243-251.

Friend, Richard. (1996). “Interrupting Homophobia in the Schools.” Anti-Homophobia Workshop. DePaul            University. October 24, 1996, Room, SAC 254.

Freud, Sigmond. “Femininity”. In Issues in Feminism. Ed. Ruth,  Sheila. Mountain View, CA: Mayfield             Publishing Company. 97-108.

Hagan Leigh, Kay. 1991. “Orchids in the Arctic: The Predicament of Women Who Love Men.” MS. November/December: 31-33.

Lambda Legal Defense and Education Fund, Inc. 1996. Handout, Victory in the First Case Against a School    for Anti-Gay Abuse. “Lambda’s Nabozny Case: A Fact Sheet”.

Lorde, Audre. 1992. “Age, Race, Class and Sex: Women  Redefining Difference”. In Ethics: A Feminist      Reader.  Eds. Elizabeth Frazer., Jennifer Hornsby., & Sabina Lovibond. Cambridge ,USA:    Blackwell. 212-222. 

Marotta, Toby. 1981. The Politics of Homosexuality. Boston: Houghton Mifflin.   

Mixner, David. 1993. The Gay 90’s: Sex, Power and Influence. Channel Five, WMAQ – TV: Chicago, IL. The             National Broadcasting Network. Television production called “First Person.”

Mueller, Janel. 1992. “Lesbian Erotics: The Utopian Trope of Donne’s `Sapho to Philaenis.'” Homosexuality            in Renaissance  and Enlightenment England: Literary Representations in Historical Context. Ed.    Claude J. Summers. New York: Harrington Press, 103-134.   

Outlines: The Voice of the Gay and Lesbian Community. 1996. National News Round Up. October, vol 10, no          5: 20.

Pharr, Suzanne. 1988. Homophobia: A Weapon of Sexism. Little Rock, AR: Chardon Press.

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Stiebel, Arlene. 1992.  “Not Since Sappho: The Erotic Poems of Katherine Philips and Aphra Behn.” Homosexuality in Renaissance and Enlightenment England: Literary Representations in Historical             Context. Ed. Claude J. Summers. New York: Harrington Press, 103-134.  

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Gay Men and Childhood Sexual

Gay Men and Childhood Sexual Trauma: Integrating the Shattered Self, by James Cassese, (ed.)

James Cassesse is a private practice psychotherapist in New York City specializing in the treatment of adult male supervisors of childhood sexual trauma. He is also on the faculty at New York University Graduate School of Social Work.

What to Do When Your Child Says: “I’m Gay!”

What to Do When Your Child Says: “I’m Gay!”

Important advice for parents of homosexual children

By Michael C. LaSala Ph.D., LCSW, Gay and Lesbian Well-Being

Posted April 18, 2011

At Psychologytoday.com

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/gay-and-lesbian-well-being/201104/what-do-when-your-child-says-im-gay