The Couple Connection

The Couple Connection

CoupleConnection is a ‘do it yourself’ relationship support service run by OnePlusOne, the UK’s leading relationship research organisation. It puts a wealth of research and practical experience into your hands, thus empowering couples to work on their relationships. The site provides a wide range of articles, self-assessment tools, activities, quizzes, exercises and courses to help you to improve and strengthen your relationship.

 

http://thecoupleconnection.net/quizzes

Love Quiz: Do You Really Know Your Partner?

Love Quiz: Do You Really Know Your Partner?

From The Gottman Institute, A Research-Based Approach to Strengthening Relationships

Worldwide leaders in research and couples therapy, Drs. John and Julie Gottman have found that one of the most important characteristics of successful relationships is the quality of the friendship between partners.

Do you really know your partner?

Take our quiz below to find out.

Love Quiz: Do You Really Know Your Partner?

Intimate Justice Scale

The Intimate Justice Scale

By Kay Bradford, PhD, LMFT

Read each item below to see if it describes how your partner usually treats you. Then circle the number that best describes how strongly you agree or disagree with whether it applies to you.

1.My partner never admits when she or he is wrong.

I strongly agree                     I do not agree              I don’t agree at all

1                    2                    3                    4                    5

2.My partner is unwilling to adapt to my needs and expectations.

I strongly agree                     I do not agree              I don’t agree at all

1                    2                    3                    4                    5

3.My partner is more insensitive than caring.

I strongly agree                     I do not agree              I don’t agree at all

1                    2                    3                    4                    5

4. I am often forced to sacrifice my own needs to meet my partner’s needs.

I strongly agree                     I do not agree              I don’t agree at all

1                    2                    3                    4                    5

5.My partner refuses to talk about problems that make him or her look bad.

I strongly agree                     I do not agree              I don’t agree at all

1                    2                    3                    4                    5

6.My partner withholds affection unless it would benefit her or him.

I strongly agree                     I do not agree              I don’t agree at all

1                    2                    3                    4                    5

7.It is hard to disagree with my partner because she or he gets angry.

I strongly agree                     I do not agree              I don’t agree at all

1                    2                    3                    4                    5

8.My partner resents being questioned about the way he or she treats me.

I strongly agree                     I do not agree              I don’t agree at all

1                    2                    3                    4                    5

9.My partner builds himself or herself up by putting me down.

I strongly agree                     I do not agree              I don’t agree at all

1                    2                    3                    4                    5

10.My partner retaliates when I disagree with him or her.

I strongly agree                     I do not agree              I don’t agree at all

1                    2                    3                    4                    5

11.My partner is always trying to change me.

I strongly agree                     I do not agree              I don’t agree at all

1                    2                    3                    4                    5

12.My partner believes he or she has the right to force me to do things.

I strongly agree                     I do not agree              I don’t agree at all

1                    2                    3                    4                    5

13.My partner is too possessive or jealous.

I strongly agree                     I do not agree              I don’t agree at all

1                    2                    3                    4                    5

14.My partner tries to isolate me from family and friends.

I strongly agree                     I do not agree              I don’t agree at all

1                    2                    3                    4                    5

15.Sometimes my partner physically hurts me.

I strongly agree                     I do not agree              I don’t agree at all

1                    2                    3                    4                    5

 

Scoring the Intimate Justice Scale

Range:  Low: 15 (no reported violations of intimate justice)

High: 75 (pervasive violations and high likelihood of abuse)

Cutoffs:  15-29: Little risk of violence

30-45: Likelihood of minor violence

>45:  Likelihood of moderate to severe violence

If the score is over 30, assess

1) Types of abuse (sexual, psychological, physical, emotional, restrictive, etc.)

2) Abuse history (frequency, severity, and number of abusive partners)

3) Injury history (types of injuries, whether medical treatment was necessary & whether it was sought)

Further assessment may be done verbally if the client is willing, and/or via other instruments (e.g., Conflict Tactics Scale). Remember, this instrument measures the respondent’s perceptions of the other person.

Jory, B. (2004). The intimate justice scale: An instrument to screen for psychological abuse and physical violence in clinical practice.  Journal of Marital and Family Therapy, 30, 29-44.

Relationship Quiz

Relationship Quiz

By Julienne B. Derichs, LCPC, is a Couples Counselor, writer, and adjunct faculty at National – Louis University.

The quiz was developed by Julienne Derichs, expert couples counselor. The Relationship Checkup is a list of 11 points that will help you evaluate your relationship. These points are based on research completed separately by psychologists Judith Wallerstein and John Gottman.

http://www.jbdcounseling.com/Relationship-Check-Up.html

Limitations During Conflicts

Limitations During Conflicts

What is and what is not acceptable behavior while you’re having a conflict? (be specific, including voice tone, physicality, what you do and don’t want said, and how the argument starts and ends).

For me, it’s acceptable to behave in the following ways during a fight:

For me, it’s NOT acceptable to behave in the following ways during a fight:

Share with each other what you wrote above then take notes on your partner’s limits below:

For my partner, it’s acceptable to behave in the following ways during a fight:

For my partner, it’s NOT acceptable to behave in the following ways during a fight:

Talk about how you’d like to limit your conflicts. List limits you can both agree to keep.

List limits you can’t agree upon below:

 

About the Future

About the Future

-What would your relationship be like if your current problems were solved?

-Please share your hopes and/or goals for your relationship.

What strengths do you have as a couple that could be used to help you solve your problems?

Is it possible that you’re both focusing on how bad things are that you’ve lost touch of your abilities to improve your situation?

Try shifting your concerns from the problems/weaknesses to your strengths as a couple …

What’s your role in producing or maintaining the problem you’re currently experiencing?

 

The Experience of Anger

The Experience of Anger

How I have experienced anger.

Focus on recalling the last time you felt angry.

 -How did you experience your anger in your body?

-What thoughts went through your mind?

-What other feelings did you feel?

Focus on recalling the most powerful anger you’ve ever felt in your life.

-How did you experience your anger in your body?

-What thoughts went through your mind?

-What other feelings did you feel?

Discuss the association between your sense of yourself and your angry feelings.

Paraphrased from seminar “Helping Couples Manage Anger & Work Through Conflicts”, by Fran Giordano, April 11, 2009.

Three Fights in One

Three Fights in One

Use this model as a journal format to write about the thoughts and feelings that come to you as you read and think about the ideas above.

There are actually 3 things going on for all fights, they are:

1.What you’re fighting about right now

2.The history of this conflict during the history of your relationship

3.About pain from both of your families of origin such as unmet needs in your childhood.

Paraphrased from seminar “Helping Couples Manage Anger & Work Through Conflicts”, by Fran Giordano, April 11, 2009.

Communicating Feelings About Our Relationship

Communicating Feelings About Our Relationship

The two of you created your relationship and how it does or does not function today. No one person is responsible for it not working the way you’d like.

In our relationship, I feel appreciated when you …

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In our relationship, I feel loved when you …

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In our relationship, I feel happiest when you …

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In our marriage, I feel saddest when you …

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In our relationship, I feel angriest when you …

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In our relationship, I would like more …

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In our relationship, I would like less …

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In our relationship, I feel close to you when …

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What I like most about our relationship is …

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My greatest concern about our relationship is …

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Our relationship could be greatly improved if we both …