Category: Parenting/Co-Parenting

Parenting Styles

Parenting Styles

Good parenting involves love, limits, and listening.

4 Types of Parenting Styles:

1 Permissive

High on warmth and connection, but not good with limits and consequences. High love/Low limits.

2 Authoritarian

Low on caring, highly over structured and harsh.

3 Uninvolved

Low on care, low on structure and limits.

4 Authoritative

High warmth, high limits and consequences. This is the best antidote for Oppositional Defiant Disorder/Conduct Disorder.

Most lead to insecure attachments with 2 and 3 types.

Prone to addictions with 1 and 3 and some with 2 types.

5 Contradictory parenting

Cancel each other out, parents lose power, breeds inconsistency.

Can’t do individual work with Oppositional Defiant Disorder kids, need to work with family. If divorced it’s worse.

If parents won’t come, tell kid he has to grow up too soon and parent himself. Be DIRECTIVE with parents. Kids fill in the blanks of inconsistencies with the worst scenario and blame themselves.

Despite appearing rebellious, they are loyal to their families. When a kid and parents were fighting on initial session he asked parents to leave the room. Therapist in charge. Do the opposite of what’s expected. This gets the kids attention so he’ll listen to you. Ask kid why they care so much for their parents. They put so much energy into his attachment to them. You are reframing his acting out into caring.

Fine tune parenting because they are stuck. When what they’re doing doesn’t work they do MORE of it.

Parenting – they’re a part of the problem. If the kid is given a diagnosis they can externalize the problem as outside of them. They need to learn from you about the kid. What do they think is going on? Say I might need your help. Needs help with parents, need parental involvement. Explain categories of parenting and ask where they fit. Ask them what’s a good parent. They’re usually very accurate. You’re having them see the parenting problems. Ask a series of open ended questions about their parenting. Say, “Tell me more about your problem setting limits?” How does your permissiveness affect things? Does it affect what’s going on?

Most parenting styles comes from family of origin issues. Can I ask you about when you were a kid. Part of me won’t let me limit – HIT THAT! The problem may be they’re being too nice, they need balance.

Internal Family Systems – has parts. Reframe only part of the issue. How far off are you from authoritative? There is no treatment without the above work with parents. Any parent loses power when they do the same non-working thing over and over. If kids memorize what parents will do, they’re tuned out. Be predictably unpredictable.

Out-positioning – “You’re room could be messier than it actually is.” It puts the ball in their court. Need to shift to a consulting role of parenting as they get older because you can’t actually MAKE them do anything. Punishment never changes behaviors, it increases resentments and fear or simply maintains behaviors.

Never mess up an opportunity for the natural consequences to happen.

An unpredictable environment leads to insecure attachment which leads to anxiety. Do anything different, anything different than you’ve been doing. What’s the kid doing that you like?   Make them come up with something. The KID needs to be concerned about his homework – more than you.

Neuro-Adolescence ends with boys at 23. Girls are a couple years earlier. If some reward for negative behaviors parents are reinforcing without realizing it. Give kids an illusion of choices.

Over praising leads to distrust.  Acknowledge as it’s a fact, with praise there’s emotion added. Face to face conversations shut boys down, sit sideways and look at their head. Ask kids questions later at night – after 9:00 PM and it will go better.

-Author unknown

Understanding Teen Depression

Understanding Teen Depression: The Complete Guide for Parents, by Heather Schamis, MA, LPC (2015)

Understanding Teen Depression: The Complete Guide for Parents

Are you worried about your teenager? Do you need to know what’s going on with them? Do you think something is wrong? Are they sad a lot of time? Do they stay in their room all the time? Is school work getting overlooked?

This is the “go-to” guide for parents to learn about Teen Depression. This book is written by a licensed therapist whose clients are not only teens with depression, but she herself had depression when she was a teen.

This book will tell you all the symptoms that you may be seeing in your son or daughter. This is VERY important to know. You NEED to know!!

Let me help you distinguish if what’s going is indeed depression.

Survival Guide for Depressed Teens

When Nothing Matters Anymore: A Survival Guide for Depressed Teens, by Bev Cobain R.N. C. (2007)

On April 8, 1994, Kurt Cobain ended his long struggle with depression and chemical dependency by taking his own life. His suicide profoundly affected millions of fans around the world who identified with the music of Kurt and his band, Nirvana. Bev Cobain is Kurt’s cousin, and this powerful book is her way of dealing with his death—and reaching out to teens with a life-saving message: You don’t have to be sad, discouraged, or depressed. There is help and hope for you.

Full of solid information and straight talk, When Nothing Matters Anymore defines and explains adolescent depression, reveals how common it is, describes the symptoms, and spreads the good news that depression is treatable. Personal stories, photos, and poetry from teens dealing with depression speak directly to readers’ feelings, concerns, and experiences.

Teens learn how to recognize depression in themselves and others, understand its effects, and take care of themselves by relaxing, exercising, eating right, and talking things over with people who care. For some teens, self-help isn’t enough, so Bev also tells about treatment options, presents the facts about therapy, explains the differences between various types of helping professionals (psychiatrists, clinical psychologists, physicians, counselors, etc.), discusses medications, and more.

This book isn’t just for teens who have been diagnosed with depression. It’s for any teen who feels hopeless, helpless, and alone. Clear, encouraging, and matter-of-fact, it’s also recommended for parents, teachers, and counselors who want to know more about teen depression.

Depression and Your Child

Depression and Your Child: A Guide for Parents and Caregivers, Reprint Edition, by Deborah Serani, PsyD, Professor at Adelphi University and author of Living with Depression. (2015)

Seeing your child suffer in any way is a harrowing experience for any parent. Mental illness in children can be particularly draining due to the mystery surrounding it, and the issue of diagnosis at such a tender age. Depression and Your Child gives parents and caregivers a uniquely textured understanding of pediatric depression, its causes, its symptoms, and its treatments. Serani weaves her own personal experiences of being a depressed child along with her clinical experiences as a psychologist treating depressed children.

Current research, treatments and trends are presented in easy to understand language and tough subjects like self-harm, suicide and recovery plans are addressed with supportive direction. Parents will learn tips on how to discipline a depressed child, what to expect from traditional treatments like psychotherapy and medication, how to use holistic methods to address depression, how to avoid caregiver burnout, and how to move through the trauma of diagnosis and plan for the future. Real life cases highlight the issues addressed in each chapter and resources and a glossary help to further understanding for those seeking additional information. Parents and caregivers are sure to find here a reassuring approach to childhood depression that highlights the needs of the child even while it emphasizes the need for caregivers to care for themselves and other family members as well.

Help for Kids Who Are Sad and Depressed

My Feeling Better Workbook: Help for Kids Who Are Sad and Depressed, by Sara Hamil LCSW. (2008)

There are many ways to help children who are sad and depressed, and you might not even realize how much you can do to make your child feel better. By working through this book, guiding your child through just one activity a day, you can empower him or her with the skills necessary to overcome sadness and low self-esteem and live an active, joyful life.

The forty-two simple activities in this workbook help kids explore their feelings and combat the negative self-talk that depletes their motivation and self-esteem. Based on cognitive behavioral therapy, play therapy, and art therapy, this series of activities is designed to help children cope with painful feelings and feel happy again. Studies have shown that teaching these social and emotional skills to children at the onset of their depression can prevent it from becoming more serious in adolescence and beyond. Once children learn these skills, they will not only feel better, but also become more self-confident, capable, and willing to enjoy the best of what life has to offer.