Rape: A Woman’s Point of View

1990

De Paul University

Writing from the Inside

Teacher: Zoe Keithley 

Rape: A Woman’s Point of View                   

Wow, this is a great frat party. Look at the gorgeous guys here. God, Mom was right, I am glad to have gone away to college. I will watch how much I drink; Mom warned me about drinking too much. Oh my God, that guy is watching me; he’s really cute, I wonder if he’s a friend of Susie’s.

Just look at that girl over there. She looks new here, I haven’t seen her around campus before and anyway, she has that, “Wow, I’m finally out on my own look”. She has a great bod, and her skirt isn’t quite short enough. Let me go slow so I don’t scare her off.

Now he’s coming over to me. Let me be cool. He’s so cute I think I’ll flip.

She is really a great-looking girl. Here goes nothing. “Hi, I’m Tom, what’s your name”? 

“Hi, I’m Sally. How are you? Are you a friend of Susie”?

“Yes, I know Susie, I hang around with her brother Jim. He’s the one that brought me here tonight”.

“Oh yeah, Susie has said that Jim had a close friend named Tom. Where did you meet Jim”?

“Jim and I went to high school together. We used to have a lot of fun”?

“What year are you in? Said Sally.

“I’m a junior, I’m studying finance, what are you majoring in”?   

“I’m a freshman and I haven’t really decided on my major yet, but I’m leaning toward possibly pre-law”.

“Would you like to dance”? Said, Tom.

“Sure I’d love to”.

 I love this song, Anita Baker’s music is so romantic. I never thought I would meet a guy so quickly. He is so damn cute! I wonder if he likes me. I wonder if he can tell how insecure and helpless, I feel.

This girl really has great shape. I wonder if she is ready for a little fun tonight? Boy, I could have a good time with her.

Tom starts holding Sally a little closer – to test the waters. Sally freezes, she doesn’t know what to do; she doesn’t want to make a scene or seem too young and prissy. Sally doesn’t move back away from him because she is too uncomfortable and scared to do anything. What will these people think of her if she accuses this popular guy of getting fresh with her; will they be mad at her?

Tom thinks that because she doesn’t stop him or pull away that she likes it and wants him to continue. Women want you to be forceful anyway. They need you to take charge – they like that.

Susie notices Sally dancing really close to Tom; she knows Sally is timid and has not had much experience with older guys (Tom is 22 and Sally just turned 18). She can’t believe her friend is acting so sleazily. She’s letting Tom kiss her neck and rub her butt. This is not the Sally that I know.

Jim returns to the party after going for more beer and is delighted to see that his friend Tom is doing really good with this new girl. He is surprised though because his sister doesn’t usually hang around with “that” type. Look at those two. I bet they will be going at it soon.         

I am really scared; what do I do to get this guy away from me without making a scene and having everyone think I’m too young to be here. I’m afraid to move. Surely, he will know when I hold my body stiffly that I am not interested.

She likes it, I can tell. She’s restraining herself because there are all these people here watching us. She likes it really well. It’s too bad girls feel that they have to hide their hornyness. I’m glad I’m a guy and can just go for it.

Sally becomes increasingly uncomfortable with the situation. She just doesn’t know what to do. She doesn’t see a way out. She asks Tom to go out on the porch, just to get out of dancing with him. What else could she do?

Tom is delighted, seeing this as her way of saying that she wants to be alone with him so more can happen. Tom is well aware that girls say “no” when they mean “yes”. All guys know that.

I’m so glad to have his hands off of me; I hate this feeling. I wish Susie would come out here and talk to us. Does Susie know how scared I’m feeling?

This girl is shy, but she is still giving me a strong come-on message. Women amaze me with their coy behavior. I can’t wait to get it together with her.

Now on the porch, Tom really starts to come on with Sally. He’s kissing her forcibly on the lips; she is just barely tolerating it. He has his arms and hands all over her; she is trying to pull his hands off, but he is stronger. She realizes that she would have to make quite a scene to get him off of her now. She asks him to please stop but is too intimidated by the new surroundings to forcibly fight him. What might he do if she really fought him? Would he be mad that she embarrassed him in front of his friends?

I have to get out of this situation. I don’t want to be with this guy. Oh God, what can I do? Why is he doing this? Aren’t there other willing girls he could be with?

She’s loving this. She likes it when I come on strong – real man-like. Women love to struggle against it – I don’t know why. She feels really good.

“Tom, let’s take a walk for a little while. I need to get out of here for a while”.

“Sure honey, let’s go for walk. I love going for walks”. He thinks that this is her way of saying that she wants to be even more alone with him.

As they walk, she realizes that they are going further and further away from the frat house. She wonders if she did the right thing. But what else could I do? He didn’t seem to take my pulling his hands away as no; He didn’t stop when she begged him not to. I had to do whatever I could to get his hands off of me; his hands are off of me now. Maybe he will cool off. 

 Tom sees a bathhouse just to the side of the pool – the perfect place.

“Hey look Sally, there’s a nice little house next to the pool. Let’s see what’s in there”.

Oh good, maybe this will take his mind off of me and he will be curious about this little house. I really don’t mind talking to him, he seems really nice I’m just not ready to get so physical.

Once inside the little bathhouse Tom rapes Sally. He sees all of her behavior as leading him on and encouraging him to go all the way.

Sally is devastated. She does not understand how this happened. Why did he repeatedly say during the rape that he knows she wanted this as much as him. How could he think that?

     Tom will never believe that he did anything wrong whatsoever. This girl wanted him to act like a man; she encouraged his behavior.

Thankfulness …

1990

De Paul University

Writing from the Inside

Teacher: Zoe Keithley 

Thankfulness …

I hate some parts of having money. I hate having to wonder about whether someone really likes me. Having money is new to me; how do rich people find true love – whatever that is? I used to only worry about whether or not they (the men) just wanted me for sex. Now it’s money and sex. I am still my usual insecure self in these matters. I doubt that age will ever change these parts of me.

I am thankful for good, nonjudgmental friends who accept me as I am.

I am thankful for peace in my world, for joy that I can perceive all around me.

I am thankful for trees, plants, and all the growing things that enrich our environment.

I am thankful for the new man in my life who listens to my ranting and raving about feminism and still likes me. He thinks I am probably right! He can understand how women must feel. What he doesn’t understand he accepts!

I am thankful for my delightful 17-year-old daughter. I am glad she picked a caring, non-chauvinistic boyfriend. I’m glad she was responsible enough to go to Planned Parenthood and assure me that I do not become a grandma before my time.

I am thankful for picking a career in which there is a drastic shortage; it affords me enough money so I can go to DePaul and get out of the profession.

I am thankful for good health; thankful to be the caretaker rather than the receiver.

I am thankful that I discovered my brain before I died. (In high school and up until about 32 years old I thought I was dumb).

I am thankful for this beautiful computer. I learned that I could be creative and write off the top of my head while taking a computer class.

Older Relationships

1990

De Paul University

Writing from the Inside

Teacher: Zoe Keithley 

Older Relationships

There is a richness to older relationships. It is not a question of IS the relationship going anywhere – it is how close, how deep, and how vicious the quality is?

You accept me. I love you. I am me and you love me. This is joy.

The beauty of intimacy, of psychological and physical closeness. Sharing joys and sorrows, disappointments somehow buffered through the loves filter.

I love your touch – it tells me that I am.

In the dark, you are dark – aren’t we all? Yet we see each other.

What does sex mean? How does it make us feel? What do my touches say to you?

I want you more. I grow with you. Is not love beyond color? Can we intelligently say that love can only be white/white? Can’t human love be variegated? Are not zebras part of nature? Don’t opposites attract?  Don’t vivid contrasts shout to us? Do we love only if the skin color is right? Do we love only if the hair color is right?

Speech: Women Abuse: The Self-Defense Law, The Police, and the Court System

1990 Women’s Roles: A Historical Perspective

(Put on note cards)

Grade: A+ (58 points out of a possible 60)

Teacher comments:  Stunning statistics on deaths in Mass and battery every so many second. Good to look at 3 areas. Amazing that laws are different in each area and you have to learn what the laws are. Pretty depressing stuff, isn’t it?  Interviews are a very good idea. 

Introduction

I’m going to talk to you about the abuse of women by the men that love them, their husbands, boyfriends, and exes. I was appalled when I began researching the problem that the criminal justice system keeps women in abusive situations. I am focusing specifically on the police, the court system, and the self-defense law.

October is National Domestic Violence Awareness Month. To make you aware I will tell you about some shocking statistics. The National Coalition Against Domestic Violence says that:

2-6 million women are victims of abuse each year. Experts estimate that 50% of females will be battered at least once in their life. The State of Mass claims that if a woman is killed by her husband or lover every 22 days. The US government statistics say that 1 woman is abused every 15 seconds. Abuse is the #1 cause of injury to women.

I was appalled by what I learned in the research I did. The criminal justice system keeps women in abusive situations. A study showed that some male professions had much higher rates of abuse than others; There is a high incidence among police, doctors, lawyers, executives, professors, and elected officials.  Because of this, I am focusing on the police, the court system, and the self-defense law. I plan to show why I think the problem is actually worse today.

The abuse was not seen as a social problem until the 60s and 70’s when feminists brought it to public attention. These feminists had a hard time getting started because they couldn’t find anything in libraries about the problem; they found lots of complaints of abuse though in the files of social workers. The University of Michigan Law School found abuse information hidden under other categories in police and hospital records. They faced a conspiracy of silence – a tradition of domestic privacy. Wife beating HAS a history, but it was deliberately undocumented – kept behind closed doors. By keeping it behind closed doors the law and society trivialize it and continues widespread ignorance about its prevalence and brutality. The abuse was always an epidemic without fear of interference.

Things started to change in the mid ’70s. The National Organization for Women then started the first task force on wife assault which led to the development of the first shelter. In the mid 70’s conjugal privilege changed to marital rape. The conjugal assault was LEGAL in some states through the early 70s.

Historically the female role was to support and nurture her loved ones under any circumstances; unfortunately, some of us feel that obligation to “stand by our man” regardless of the cost to ourselves. The violence is tied to a sense of male privilege and power along with the fear of femininity. One male author who counsels abusive men calls if the “Failed Macho Complex” or an overreaction to the male sex role. These men are violent because they do not see themselves as living up to the male sex role.

Three reasons have been noted for the changes that took place in the 70s: work on child abuse and national sensitivity to violence due to the Vietnam War.

Isn’t this about the time we took the “Obey” out of wedding vows?

The late 70s witnessed the establishment of congressional committees, the civil rights commission, and other government agencies started to study the problem; they began to introduce laws to protect women.

Wife abuse was not seen as a social problem until the 60s and 70’s when feminists brought it to public attention. Feminists, in their initial research, had difficulty finding out about the problem because there was nothing to be found in libraries. There was a conspiracy of silence due to the tradition of domestic privacy; the history of abuse was kept behind closed doors and deliberately undocumented. They found, however, files stuffed with complaints of abuse in the offices of social workers. The University of Michigan Law School found abuse statistics hidden under other categories in police departments and hospital records. They knew that when history was uncovered it would be a culture shock. The abuse was always an epidemic – it went on without fear of interference.

The National Organization for Women started the first task force on wife assault in the mid ’70s. It wasn’t until the mid 70’s that conjugal privilege was seen as marital rape; the conjugal assault was legal in some states till the early 70s. The law trivializes abuse when it says that it’s a family matter and lets it stay behind closed doors. There had been widespread ignorance about its prevalence and brutality.

Historically our female role was to support and nurture our loved ones under any circumstances. Violence is tied to a sense of male privilege and power and a fear of femininity. Unfortunately, some of us feel that obligation to “stand by our man” regardless of the cost to ourselves.

A male author who counsels abusive men calls it the “Failed Macho Complex”; an overreaction to the male sex role. He thinks these men are violent because they don’t see themselves as living up to the male sex role.   

One author sees 3 reasons for the change in the ’70s:

         -work recently done on child abuse led them to learn about wife abuse

         -the nation as a whole was more sensitive to issues of violence as a result of the Vietnam War.

         -an increase in the feminist movement.

Another author sees it in terms of movements:

         -the Woman’s Movement of the ’60s and the Antirape

The movement of the early ’70s led to the shelter Movement in the late ’70s. They say that the feminist movement sensitized females to sexism.

The late 70s brought about some changes in the US. Congressional committees began to study abuse; the civil rights commission and other government agencies began to study the problem and laws to protect were being introduced.

When I learned of a study done on which professions among men had the highest incidence of abuse I knew what I wanted to focus on; were: police, lawyers, doctors, elected officials, professors, and executives. These are all jobs in which the men have power over others. How surprising should it be that they may be more inclined to want power over their wives?

The Police

A government study in 1984 called the “Final Report of the Attorney General’s Task Force on Family Violence” said that the police failure to arrest was one of the most serious aspects of domestic violence. Most of the police are men and have been socialized to varying degrees to believe that a man has the right to discipline his wife; there is a high incidence of wife abuse among the police. Police protection is ineffective; in the late 70s half the reports were never filed.

The police are known to fail to save evidence, fail to respond to calls, or respond late, and try to bully women out of pressing charges, i.e. “Who’s going to pay your bills when he’s in jail”? The police get frustrated because the women frequently decide not to file complaints after they have gone out to the house; they see this as her desire to be beaten; she decides not to file because she realizes that it means facing a punishment more violent than she has just gone through. The police do not offer protection to these women so how can we expect them to press charges? Experts estimate only 10% of women even call the police; police departments around the country report a very high incidence of calls.

Another problem is that police get frustrated because women so frequently don’t sign a complaint after they have the police come out; she decides not to because she fears violent punishment; they see it as her desire to be battered. However, since the police can’t offer protection, as they say they can’t do anything about “mere” threats how can she be expected to press charges?

The police have “stitch rules”, to judge the severity and visibility of injuries, and they use this as criteria to arrest. An advice book for abused women gives the following advice:

         check with your local police on what the laws are in your area; do they have a mandatory arrest law

         decide what you want them to do ahead of time

         be sure to get case # and copy of report

         practice the call saying, “I’m being beaten, give the address and then details – DO NOT TELL THEM IT IS YOUR HUSBAND DOING IT!

Police call patterns have the ability to predict and prevent murder. Studies show 50% of all fatalities had called 5 times and 80% had called at least once in the last 2 years.

Experts estimate that only 10% of women actually call the police; the police departments report that the number of calls they receive is very high. Police dispatchers screen the calls; the police get mad if they go out to a domestic violence call and don’t think that the injuries are serious enough.

A study done in the late 70s showed that half the police reports were never filed – police protection was very ineffective.

A handbook that offers advice to abused women who want to get out despite the system was given this advice:

-call the local police to find out what the laws are in your area to see what they will do. Does your county have mandatory arrest laws?

-decide ahead of time what you want to be done within the local laws.

-get the case number and a copy of the police report.

-Practice saying “I am being beaten, my address is……”, DO NOT tell them it is your husband or lover.

Police reports can predict and could even prevent murder; it has been found that 50% of fatalities had called at least 5 times in the last and 80% had called at least once.

I inquired about what the police would do in my area (DuPage County) if I were a battered woman. I learned that my county has a mandatory arrest law, which means IF the police determine that there IS evidence they must arrest him. I was told that this county is much better than most. The police are also required to notify the local shelter of all calls that they receive; they also have mandatory counseling the abuser must go through (20 weeks) if arrested. They have a victims advocate program which will help a woman find a shelter out of state if needed. (studies show that if men are jailed they are a little less likely to re-batter). This is a model pilot program – in 1990!

The Court System

The Civil Rights Commission says that the criminal justice system fails women at every step of the way when she tries to get away from abuse. Prosecutors, police, and society do NOT see wife abuse as a REAL crime. Judges see women as trying to manipulate the system to control their husbands and settle quarrels. The justice system sees wife abuse as a private matter; courts see their role as holding the family together despite the cost to the women.

Courts are still today uncomfortable with domestic violence, they still see it as a private family matter; prisons are overcrowded and so they are lenient on abusive husbands. Unless batterers are treated as other criminals the courts are not protecting women. The courts see their role as that of holding the family – even if it is at the woman’s expense. Woman abuse is treated as a civil matter;  if a stranger beat you up, stabbed you, or repeatedly bashed your head into the concrete wall it would be a felony and they would be treated as a criminal. If your husband does it is either not prosecuted at all or treated as a misdemeanor – a civil matter! Unless batterers are treated like other criminals the courts are not protecting women at all.

April is an example of a woman trying to help herself within our system. She filed for divorce, and got a restraining order to keep her husband away – just what she must do to try to protect herself from his “mere threats”. Her husband broke into their house and stabbed her from her throat to her pubic bone. He went to jail, got out on bail, and killed her and himself. Studies have shown us that to get out of the situation the woman MUST leave. It’s when she leaves that she is killed; men panic with the loss of control, it is rare for a woman to be killed while living with a man.  The courts do not take threats seriously yet studies show almost all women who were killed were given “mere” threats.

An example of Lisa whose husband was in jail for gross abuse; she asked that she be notified if they let him out for any reason because she knew that he would kill her; they let him out on a work furlough, and he went straight to her house, broke in, dragged her outside and beat her to death with a gun butt in front of the neighbors.

Of 90% of women who filed complaints less than 10% were ever prosecuted. The district attorney can decide whether or not to prosecute. One book advising women said you must know what you want to be done because if you don’t the prosecutor will do what he sees fit. You may even have to demand another prosecutor. The prosecutor can deny taking a case to trial for these reasons. Even if you want to go to court he can deny it if he thinks:

         -the injury is not serious enough

         -the man says that he didn’t mean to do it

         -not enough evidence (no witnesses, studies show almost all domestic  

         -violence takes place without witnesses).

         -the husband has no past criminal record (studies show that these men are usually only violent towards their wives and kids).

They recommend women demand another prosecutor if he denies taking it to court.

Your success at the trial, if you can get this far depends on:

         -convincing evidence (witnesses)

         -whether the judge sees abuse as a crime.

         -how hard the prosecutor works

         -whether there are programs in your area to counsel these men.

         -whether the man seems sorry.

         -whether the man is seen as a solid citizen.

When the legal system imposes its prejudices on women they commit crimes of “omission” and give the husband a license to abuse. This judicial insensitivity and tunnel vision send her right back to the batterer. There is a lot of research around today to inform judges about the facts in domestic violence:

         -men get worse as they get older

         -it is never an isolated incident

         -the woman is always in danger

         -the threat of violence is constant, it’s not a question of whether will he do it again, its when, how bad, and will he kill her this time? The courts ignore what studies show:

         these men get worse as they get older

         it is never an isolated incident

         the woman is always in danger

         The threat of violence is constant

         Being married to the batterer can work against the woman too.

Unless you have filed for divorce the courts will not issue a restraining order; judges are reluctant (in some states forbidden) to keep a man off his own property – she the victim must leave. In the last few years some states have been allowing the use of expert witnesses to educate judges and juries about the psychology of abuse. About how it is like what happens in concentration camps – learned helplessness. But the judge can decide if he thinks it is needed in each case; if he thinks it was an easy murder case he can disallow it.

Being married works against you. You must file for divorce to get an order of protection.  SHE the victim,  must leave.

The Self Defense Law

The law does not “fit” women. In 1977, the usual defense for a woman who killed her husband was temporary insanity; most went to jail and were found guilty of murder. Women have not had the right to use the self-defense law equal to men.

On the surface, the law does not discriminate, but in its application it does. The law was written to be genderless, but we don’t SEE the woman as defending herself when she kills her abusive husband.  The self-defense laws evolved over the centuries and were made to “fit” what men ran into: bar room brawls that went to far, robberies and incidents where someone threatened them with a lethal weapon.

The self-defense law requires:

         -threat with sufficient potential harm, how does a woman prove she knows there is sufficient potential harm?

         -the harm must be imminent – even if it is the court will ask why didn’t she leave if he did this before.

         -you must try to escape and prove it – goes with why didn’t you leave.

         -must threaten with lethal weapon – men frequently do NOT use lethal weapons they use fists, feet etc.

         The law assumes men of equal size and strength. If a wife is beaten without a lethal weapon, no matter how savagely, it is NOT seen as a felony, it is almost universally treated as a misdemeanor assault. Even in states where it is a felony, it may be of no avail to a woman who kills her husband. Men’s situations are different than an abused women. With men it frequently occurs in public, women don’t have witnesses, and studies show a woman is likely to be beaten to death in a bedroom). is with a stranger, is with another man of equal strength and size (if this is not equal the courts have considered this). They are usually isolated incidents.

Women can’t use the law equally as it is:

         -wife beaten without a lethal weapon, no matter how brutal NOT seen as a felony

         -almost universally seen as a misdemeanor; even if in a state that it is a felony it will not help a wife that kills him

         -men don’t usually use weapons – fists, feet, pushing

         -must only kill while being beaten – not before or after

         -women’s situations are different than men’s, but the law does not consider this. With men:

         -it usually happens in public (stats show women likely to be beaten to death in a bedroom)

         -is with a stranger

         -is equal in size and strength

         -can try to escape without society making him go back to a situation

         -are isolated incidents

In 1977 the usual defense for a woman who killed her husband in order to defend herself was temporary insanity – most went to jail after being found guilty. Studies show women rarely kill #1 and if they do it is after repeated beatings and threats of murder and know they are about to face another assault.

In the last few years, there have been a few women who were found innocent because the courts are now allowing expert witnesses to teach about the syndrome of battered women. However, the judge can decide if this is a waste of the taxpayer’s time.

Women then must only kill him during a beating, while he is threatening to kill her – not before or after. Studies show that women rarely kill and when they do it is after being repeatedly beaten and threatened with murder.

Caroline is a good example. In 1979 she shot her husband while he sat in a chair 4 feet away.  Guilty 20 years.

The Violence against women Act of 1990 says that gender-motivated crimes will be categorized as hate or biased crimes and will be seen as civil rights violations. It will double the federal penalty for rape and will require restitution for sex crimes. Will also add funds for shelters (there aren’t federal now), and add special units to the courts for spouse abuse. Will also:

         -add federal money for shelters (none now)

         -add money for enforcement

         -add special units in courts for spouse abuse.

As research grew in the area of wife abuse the courts began to allow the use of expert witnesses to testify about the syndrome involved; feminists were claiming that jurors were not educated in the syndrome so couldn’t make a fair decision. They started to allow an expert to tell them that the syndrome is similar to what happens with prisoners in concentration camps and how learned helplessness works. However, this only looks like progress because the judge does not have to allow it if he thinks that the jurors can see easily that this woman just picked up the gun and killed him. There have been some recent cases where a woman got off; it is feared that we will be giving women a license to kill if we let them off.

Violent crimes against women have escalated in recent decades; criminologists have seen a surge in serial murders which are almost always white men against females. See a backlash against feminism – not the fault of feminism – a patriarchal culture terrorizes us whether we fight back or not, but when male supremacy is threatened the terror intensifies. It is unspeakably painful for women to think about men’s violence against them. Disbelief and contempt that we face when we speak out are traumatic and can be life-threatening. So we deny and repress to cope.

Bibliography

Barb. (1990).  Counselor, Family Shelter, Glen Ellyn, IL

Cmar, Joan. (1982).  Counselor, Haven House Shelter, Hammond, Indiana

Gillespie, Cynthia, J.D.. (1989).  Justifiable Homicide

Gondola, Edward.  (1989).  Man Against Woman

Hazelhood-Shupe, Stacey. (1987).  Violent Men, Violent Couples.

NiCarthy, Ginny & Davidson, Sue. (1989).  You Can Be Free

Okun, Lewis. (1986).  Woman Abuse

Roy, Maria. (1977). (Ed).  Battered Woman: A Psycho-Sociological Study of Domestic Violence.

Walker, Lenore. (1979).  The Battered Woman

(1990, June).  Good Housekeeping        

(1990, Sept\Oct).  MS

(1987, September).  MS            

(1989, March 27).  Time                                  

800-333-SAFE                                     

Hearing impaired 800-873-636

World Events

1990

De Paul University

Writing from the Inside

Teacher: Zoe Keithley 

World Events

I am in awe of what has happened in Eastern Europe. I was moved each time I watched a news broadcast about Prague, the Berlin Wall, or Poland. The tears streaked down my face for more than the absolute joy that those people were obtaining their freedom; I am also sad and amazed that in our land of liberty, we don’t for a second question that these people should be free. We want them to know our joys with freedom.

My sadness is because I am aware that each night in this “land of liberty” there are millions of women who lie next to their husbands, perhaps for 60 years, and are still not free; they are not free to be who they really want to be. We must become wives, bear children, work 8 hours a day, and come home to clean the house if this isn’t enough we are then expected to make mad passionate love to our oppressors. Somehow the issue of feminism is not seen in the same light as Eastern Europe’s need. I, however, see it as the same.

We, women, are trapped in the same way that suppressed countries are. There are no troops in the streets keeping us in line, a much stronger power keeps us in line. In a sociology class once a teacher used the example of the Indian caste system to explain what keeps an ideology going. In this system, there are 2 classes of people, the high or wealthy class and the lowly poor class that is not allowed out on the streets in the light of day. You wonder how an entire group of people could possibly see themselves as unworthy of going out in the daylight. Well, the fact that they do believe the religious teachings that keep them off the streets during the day is what keeps them in these positions. In other words, how you see yourself is how you shall be; others will also see you this way and treat you accordingly.

So, it is with we women, we keep the oppressive ideology upon ourselves because we too have bought it correctness. Of course, men believe the ideology that women have certain roles and are inferior, but ladies it’s our fault that they still dominate much of the power in our lives.

I recall being married (I served a 14-year sentence) and how trapped I felt in the whole thing about who I was supposed to be, what I was supposed to do, think and act. I never fit; I thought that I was a failure, that something was wrong with me that I did not “fit” the proper mold in who I was supposed to be. Now that I am single I see myself as who I really am and I am delighted to tell you that I am OK and I like myself despite the fact that I don’t cook, don’t want to clean, and have worked hard to afford to pay someone to do it for me.

I now see myself as a communicator who can say what many are afraid to say, despite them being the truth. I will speak out for all, not just women because I believe in humanism. Men are also trapped by sexism. It prevents them from being who they may really want to be also. I want them to be free too. Why shouldn’t they feel as free as I do to cry, show tenderness, and receive it as I am? Their machoism makes men physically ill, so it also hurts them.

I hope you can see why men are extremely reluctant to give up their superior position, once a king it’s hard to be demoted to a mere prince or especially a common person. We, however, will go from being less than commoners to equals. Many women will see this task as just as hard for women as going down is for men.

Fear kept the Eastern Europeans in line and thus kept the communist ideology going; it is also fear that keeps women in line in the sexist ideology: fear of being called selfish for perhaps not wanting children or not being happy with their traditional role. Religious influence has helped to pound the guilt onto us.

The Mountains Are Like Me

1990

De Paul University

Writing from the Inside

Teacher: Zoe Keithley 

The Mountains Are Like Me

The mountains are cool at the top. The snow covers their high-reaching points. These protective measures have kept the mountains around all these centuries. I keep my intellectual cool – at the top.

I cover myself to be safe.

I felt a kinship with the Rocky Mountains.

Their goals and methods of reaching them … like mine.

They are cool at the top; they are covered with snow

To protect their highest point.

They seek the sky, they want to reach as high as they can.

I too am reaching to the top.

I want to taste the best of life,

I want to give of my best to the world too.

The mountains rise above their muddy beginnings.

I can certainly identify with muddy beginnings …

And the struggle to rise above.

What Color is Love?

1990

De Paul University

Writing from the Inside

Teacher: Zoe Keithley 

What Color is Love?

I can hide here

Here in my song

Hide my color, hide my love

You don’t know my color nor

The color of my love.

What color is love?

Who must approve its color?

If I tell you of my love,

Must I include its color?

Can you hear my feelings?

Do blind people chose –

To love by color?

Are blind people prejudice?

Would they toss love aside,

A deep love, if the color were wrong?

What is the right color?

Must love have approval?

Who gives approval?

I have a love –

Must I hide its color?

Through love’s filter

I sense inner color

Another level and dimension of love

A love that can filter out ugliness

The ugliness of hatred.

Can we rise above 

Look inside for the answers?

Could we learn to savor

Like ice cream –

The flavors of us all?

Socks

1990

De Paul University

Writing from the Inside

Teacher: Zoe Keithley 

Socks

“I’m so sick of these socks”. “Socks”? Jesus, I ask how you are, and you bitch about your socks”. “My socks keep falling down while I’m walking home from school.

“I’m so sick of these socks”. Say I.

“Socks”? Jesus, I ask how you are and you bitch about your socks”. Says, Iris.

“My socks keep falling down while I’m walking home from school. Say I. 

“Well, why don’t we write a song about your socks falling down”. Says, Iris.

“Yeah, why not I’m sure a lot of people could understand my frustration”. Say I.

“The chorus could start with “my socks are falling down, my socks are falling down, high ho the darrio my socks are falling down”, wow, now that’s entertainment”! Says, Iris.

“You are so nuts, that’s why I enjoy your friendship so much”. Say I.

Hopes

1990

De Paul University

Writing from the Inside

Teacher:  Zoe Keithley 

Hopes

I hope to do work someday in which my caring counts. In the work I do now there are no rewards for caring, for going out of your way to try to make things better for the patient. Don’t even think about doing things in a new or creative way. You first and foremost must go by policy no matter what. Even if the following policy is to the detriment of the patient, nurse, family, or hospital. No matter how much you care – it is the policy that counts.

And as an agency nurse, it’s even worse, “they” must like your appearance, your shoes, the way you walk, the way you answer call lights, the way you chart your care, what you do when there isn’t anything to do and every word you say.

You must be perfect because they watch your every move; you are being evaluated every second. I wonder how many of us could survive this constant critiquing. Who could pass these tests daily? Who wants to? You must never make waves, even if the waves are out of care. You must know exactly what things, not to do, that should be done, so that you look efficient. I wonder how many workers could tolerate this and pass the harsh tests that we must pass.

They hate us because we make twice if not more than twice, what the staff nurses make – but we deserve it for what we must put up with and go through. If “they” find one little thing they don’t approve of about you they just call the agency and tell them never to send you back; you have no recourse, no grievance procedure you could use to defend your professional reputation. In other words, you’re screwed.

I have creative, progressive ideas, that do not go along with strict policies; I do not fit in a restrictive workplace.

I hate this feeling of working in places where I don’t fit in, I don’t feel I could ever “belong” because I see things so differently than they do. I can’t work with people who need to follow policies instead of their mind and their hearts. I need to tell people the truth so they can control their own health care. The patients need to make their own policies. 

Only my patients sense my caring. You would think that would be enough, but it is not. So in the not soon enough future, I will work on my own to remove barriers to patients’ rights to make intelligent, “really” informed decisions about their health care.

Eleanor’s Point of View

1990

De Paul University

Writing from the Inside

Teacher: Zoe Keithley 

Eleanor’s Point of View            

Eleanor is 86 years old. She is a ward of the state and has lived in an institution for 42 years. She is in the hospital now because of dehydration, pneumonia, and a generalized infection.

She is not aware of her surroundings. Her body is contracted into a fetal position; a position that was once safe for us all. She cannot do anything for herself, not even feed, clothe or toilet herself.

Eleanor is in the intensive care unit so that her vital signs can be monitored continuously. She is not doing well; her blood pressure is so low that drugs are now being used to force her to have a blood pressure; she is receiving blood because of a bleeding ulcer.

The code blue alarm go off; Eleanor’s heart has stopped beating. I ran in to answer the code. Her face is blue – she is breathless. The monitor is without the blip that gives evidence of life. Many nurses, doctors, and supervisors enter the room to answer the code as well; they are out of breath.

They force air into her lungs by way of a long tube they just inserted into her trachea. They pound on her chest despite the fact that its deformed; she can’t even lie on her back. Her knees are bent up to her nipples, and her hands are permanently bent up to her upper arms.

Next to her ear, I whisper, “Go ahead and go – find your final peace. It’s OK to die, we have that right”. Her eyes have tears dangling from them. There is vomit floating around the tube in her throat. Tiny whitish blue deformed fingers twist inward into her palms. Her face is wrinkled, and her hair is matted down with sweat. I can see the shape of her rib cage, laying just beneath her blue skin. As the air is forced in, I see her chest rise, but have a sense of intrusion – we are intruding into her rightful death.  

In the hall, there is the sound of the public address system calling other doctors. There’s an announcement about the next CPR class to be held for staff nurses. The printer is delivering the latest lab reports. The transporter voices his anger that Mrs. Fryer is not ready to go down for an x-ray; these nurses are so inefficient. 

Eleanor wonders as she looks down from her ceiling viewpoint (able to think again for the first time in 40 years), “I thought nurses and doctors were smart? I thought they knew when someone died; weren’t they trained in that stuff? How could they think they are doing something for ME? What is it they are trying to save me for? I’ve suffered so long. Can’t they see I’m dead”?

Don’t they know that she is already up here with Me in heaven? Why do they feel obligated to fight for this lost soul? What do they think they are gaining for her? Will they gain simply in usurping Me? Twisted helping. What have I done in creating mankind; did I forget to tell them that death is natural and inevitable? Where did I go wrong and what can I do to fix it? “Get the board under her – did she get Epi or atropine? What’s her diagnosis”? says the house physician. “Oh shit, she’s in V-Fib, shock her quick. We’ve got a pattern now, it’s functional. Does she have a pulse? Do we have a pulse and blood pressure? Who’s attending? I think we’ve done it. Get a vent up here. Get some gases”.

We are obligated to save lives; we were trained in medical school to use all the latest technology. I didn’t spend all these years in medical school and residency to let people die. Who the hell is this nurse telling the patient that she can die; who the hell does she think she is?  We are not here to judge when and how much technology to use. We are here to save lives – that’s it. You use all that is available; if you don’t, they sue you.

Nurse Rhonda, with tears running down her face, steps back in disbelief; didn’t they hear me when I told them about this patient? I did say that this woman was already a “veg”, didn’t I? Why are they doing these dumb heroics?  This is the worst night I have had in a long time. I want her to die; I want her to be allowed to die. I don’t want to see her on a ventilator. I feel as though instead of comforting and helping people I am torturing people; they have no rights.

I’m the supervisor, I’m supposed to see that things are done by the book and that everyone follows policy. I don’t want them to follow proper ACLS (advanced cardiac life support) procedures and make this poor person die restrained, drugged, and on a respirator. How can I pretend to enforce what I don’t believe in? How dare she (an AGENCY nurse) tell the patient that she could die? How can she have the gall to say what she really thinks? I wish I could give the lady permission to die. But I can’t. I must maintain the image, the status quo – the way it’s always been. 

I hate this, I wish I had not heard the code alarm; I wish I had never come into this room. I could have avoided it, being a lowly agency nurse who doesn’t know anything. I can feel their disapproval of me; they think I must be nuts to tell a patient to go ahead and die. This is so stupid; I can’t stand this anymore. Must we continue to put every 90-year-old on a respirator when they try to die? Is it mandatory to use every ounce of technology all the time? Can we let this ultimate intrusion of privacy remain legal?

Monster Telling Dear Mr. Bush

1990

De Paul University

Writing from the Inside

Teacher: Zoe Keithley 

Monster Telling Dear Mr. Bush

Dear Mr. Bush:

We all know that Martin Luther King Jr. had a dream. He is not the only one who dreamed of freedom from oppression for his people. Here is a dream that I have had on numerous occasions. You see, I have dreamed that you believe in my dream and that we do find a solution together. (I have not yet dreamed the whole solution, but I will tell you about what I have dreamed so far so we can get going). Here is what my dream is all about.

The human race has come a long way. We are a highly evolved species, the most intelligent, the most advanced technologically, and the most humane. Right? Because of our intelligence and humanitarianism, our people are incapable of thinking that any one person, race, religion, or sex is any better than any other. There would be no logic in this. I’m sure you agree that there is no logical explanation for the people in Northern Ireland killing each other over religious differences. The apartheid wars in South Africa are similar; logic cannot explain these inhumanities combined with our advanced evolution. But we know they exist.

Those are international examples, here in the U.S. we have serious problems with racism and sexism. These negative attitudes hurt us all. Please don’t laugh, but I believe there is a monster who is causing this trouble in our country. He is the monster of “Isms”. He is the cause of strife between people who are too intelligent to be oppressing each other for dumb reasons like the color of one person’s skin, a religious difference or a sexual difference. I tell you this is the only thing that makes any sense. If we were to work together to eliminate this guy “Isy”, (his nickname) we could better the country and the world for us all. Let me tell you all about him.

Isy has been around since the beginning of time. Talk about historical figures – he is Mr. History. This guy has terrorized humanity like no other monster.

Let me describe him to you, (I forgot to tell you that I have seen him). Number 1 he is UGLY. He is totally totally uglyyyyyyyy……….ugly beyond words. His face and body are disfigured from the destructive nature of his work. His work will eventually destroy him, but will he destroy us first?  His face swirls around continuously so you can never really get a clear look at him. He will never let you see his eyes, but if you ever felt his eyes, as I have, you would be chilled to the core from the icy shivers you will feel at each spot that his eyes touch on your skin; each place he touches is burned ever so slightly – burned form the cold.

A wide drooling mouth with jagged fangs frames the area above his chin. His hands are larger than his chest, they are what you see first; he has no fingers but yields locking pliers at the end of his wrists (the tips of the pliers are like tweezers). His feet are not actually feet, they are more like fins that have flattened tips on the end allowing him to resist gravitational force; just before he touches the ground, he can kick his prey and just rise up out of reach.

He wears a big wide belt pulled tight at his waist which accents his large bullying chest. His thigh muscles are simply large steel rods joined together by a knee and a hip.

No one gave birth to him (it would have rotted their insides). He always was. All he needs is for a person to think an evil thought and there he has it, he can get into their neuroatomic structures. He loves to see people hate each other; he loves violence, inequality, and injustice. It causes him enormous pain in his neuroatomic structures when any tolerant or accepting thoughts are perceived from the earth. He can only be at peace when the world’s people are at each other’s throats.

Isy is the monster of all the “isms”: racism, sexism, antisemitism, etc. We all know that no human would be prejudiced; it is not logical since we are all human. No unaffected human would intentionally hurt another human. It is unthinkable that someone from the same species would try to suppress a peer – we are all peers. Because our species has the ability to reason and use logic we would certainly not inflict the pain of racism and sexism on each other; it is within our natural instincts to be good to one another and thus preserve our species. We are above thinking that someone with a different skin pigmentation would be any less human than someone who speaks a different language than us. We as humans value our differences and respect each other for our differences, we cherish our individuality. We all want freedom for all of us. I personally could not go on another day if I did not believe this. Isy then must be the problem. Isy can’t stand to see us live in harmony and share brotherly love.

We have seen Isy do his work throughout the centuries. He is the one who started the story about the caveman, the club, grabbing the woman by the hair story, you know all that macho stuff. Isy is to blame for Hitler; Hitler was actually a great, gentle guy before Isy got to him (Hitler actually got an overdose). Napoleon was a victim of Isy’s thing. Isy has a neuroatomic hookup with “some” people; once a gets to you develop a damaging prejudice that causes you to hurt others.      

Take Archie Bunker-type men, they are victims of Isy; he infiltrated their minds and made them into male chauvinist pigs. They would certainly not of their own accord chose to put women down, try to get rid of blacks, and do not hate all gays. Just ask them and they will tell you they don’t know why they hate.

If we could go back in history and talk to someone, like Hitler, just moments before the neuroatomic transfer, we would learn that they had not heard of anti-Semitism, prejudice or male supremacy.

Isy did some work on Freud too. Freud was actually a feminist; he began his work trying to show that it was women who were the models to follow for a transelevational society. He loved women; after all his mother was one. But too bad Isy came along, got to his atomic structure, and did his dirty work in having Freud pass down the ridiculous notion that women envied the penis because men (who had one) were better than them just for having hanging genitals. Freud’s great intellect would have made him laugh at that. The idea that women were “hysterical” beings actually came from Isy’s effect on neuroatomic structures within Freud. See we have been blaming Freud all these years.

An innocent group from history is the Klu Klux Klan. These men were God-like till Isy got to them. These men loved their neighbors no matter what color or religion; they were even thinking about studying Judaism with Rabbi Golden. They were initially going to start a support group for blacks so they would cleave strength from them and thus aid their struggle to become free of slavery. Isy is sometimes late in getting to a person of group because it’s a hard job destroying all the love in the world.

You see Isy (because of his neuroatomic hookups) has complete control over the minds of those he gets involved with. He distorts their attitudinal perceptions so that they are not in line with normal logic. They can’t help the changes he causes within them. Some people have a few atoms in their brains that for some unknown reason are vulnerable to Isy. If one of these people has a microsecond when they think an evil thought that’s when Isy can get in. His neuroatomic structures are fine-tuned to pick up these evil thoughts; he then goes in through their nasal cilia, (those cilia are so tiny that it makes it a bitch to get in there); he then releases a neurotransmitter gantho ray beam, goes right to the section with vulnerable atoms and performs anti-ismotomies on them. From that moment on they are either racists, antisemites, sexists, or some group that will thrive off the suppression of another group. I fear that in the long run, these groups will see to it that our intelligent world is destroyed; so…….in order to preserve our species I think it is in all of our best interests to work together to find a way to either destroy Isy or find a scientific way to stop his gaining control with the anti-ismotomies.

Once we get rid of Isy we will no longer need groups like The American Civil Liberties Union, The National Organization of Women, Amnesty International, and the United Nations could be turned into a social planning organizations to do parties all around the world.

Now, how to get rid of Isy? You might think that the easiest way would be to just not have anyone think evil thoughts, but Isy can take something as evil when it was just out of context; Hitler may have been thinking about exterminating obstacles for the Jews, not the Jews themselves. You see how awful he is? I purpose that we get our scientists together, all the neurobiologists, neuroatomic physicists, neurologists, etc (along with other disciplines), and work on that damn vulnerable area in the brain.

We know some people who are affected by Isy today: legislators who block women’s rights bills, the grand dukes of the Klu Klux Klan, and the many Archie Bunker-type males who think they are better than almost any other groups. Let’s invite them to a special conference and secretly obtain specimens of their neuroatomic structures so we can study them. We can also take samples from good people like Mother Teresa, yourself, and the Pope. Comparative analysis will be of interest to further our studies. Our ends surely justify our sneaky means – we will not be hurting any of these people – right? They surely have neuroatomic structures to spare. Imagine a world without “isms”?

I will write you again when I dream more. I hope to find the total solution before Isy causes us to destroy each other.

Sincerely,

Pat, the Dreamer

Snake Dream

1990

De Paul University

Writing from the Inside

Teacher: Zoe Keithley 

Snake Dream

I’m running as fast as I can; I can’t run fast! He’s right behind me, holding the snake up as if it were some grand prize that I as a girl just could not appreciate. I feel the sweat running down my face; my heart is racing; I am breathing as if I am going 100 miles an hour. But why am I running? Why does that snake make my skin crawl? I see the grocery store, there are orange trees across the front; they glow in the dark.  Maybe I can go in there before he gets any closer, – didn’t Mom ask me to get milk? Wasn’t that my mission?

I have a dress on with no back to it. Why would I have a backless dress on, on a day when a boy is chasing me with a snake? How can he put the snake down by the back when I don’t have a back with this outfit? I squirm inside at the thought of the snake, the snake can’t harm me; I know this even at my young age. I dread the thought of that snake touching my skin, feeling me. What is it that that snake represents? Why does it seem to go together with boys? Why does it make me want to run for my life?

I have high heels on. How can I run; no wonder I can’t run. This is not fair. He has several heads, each a boy that I know; all boys that would be the type to put a snake down by the back. Why do they do it? All the heads are saying different things. They are all talking to me at once. They all demand my attention. He is barefoot and we are walking on glass yet he has no pain. The grocery store stays within my sight but no matter how fast I run it is not any nearer to me; my legs seem to be going faster than my body. Why is there nothing else in sight?

I must get away from this boy, I will NOT have this snake down my back. I suddenly begin to rise, rise up out of his reach. God, this is great! He can’t reach me but he keeps coming just the same; he can’t believe that I have escaped him. Where does he think he is running to now? Was he really after me to begin with? Does he see another girl? 

I feel the air separating as I coast through it. It seems to be helping me to rise. My feet are so light and without purpose now. I wiggle them to see if they are still attached or if I am just imagining them out of memory. No, I still have feet. I feel like I should be moving my arms to help navigate myself, but there is no need to do anything. The clouds are now tickling me. I can talk to these clouds, they can hear me. I don’t know how I know this because they don’t answer me back. The blueness is beautiful up here. I look down and have a sense of power, good nurturing power; power to see the needs of all mankind; my God, I can see the world in a more holistic way from up here. I wish we all could fly.

I fly down to the housetops. Who will believe that I am flying? I dodge the chimneys; I glide up and down; I feel so free. I now have blue jeans on, a black tee shirt and tennis shoes. I am more comfortable. Let me land and see if I can do this again.

I float down right in front of my house. “Hi Dad, I was just flying”. “Oh yeah, well fly down to the grocery store and bring some milk home for your mother”. “Dad, I was really flying”. Watch! I just take off into the air, with no effort, no jet propulsion, all I did was think – up. Dad can’t see me fly, he thinks that I just ran off to the store.

What if I could only fly, not walk anymore? I better be sure that I can repeat landing again. Here, let me land here right in front of the grocery store; I can practice landing and get my mom’s milk. I land softly, not knowing how I accomplished that, but seem to just float onto the ground. There are the boys, the boys that were all a part of the one boy’s head. They are coming toward me now. I feel them all looking at me, making the big decision – how will they tease and bug this girl. I hope I will still be able to fly.

They dance around me, all facing me, the decision has not yet been made. One of them attempts to grab me and up I go! They keep grabbing for me despite my flight from their reach. Thank God, I will always be able to escape the jeering, obnoxious boys.  No boy will ever get me with a snake again.