By William Pollack
Trish Anderson
Workshop: Youth and Violence: The High Cost of Alienation
November 6, 1999
Instructor: Melissa Maguire
Pollack, William. (1998). Real Boys: Rescuing Our Sons from the Myths of Boyhood.
Henry Holt & Co: New York.
Statistics and Studies Show …
Suicide, in the United States, has tripled among fifteen to twenty four year olds between nineteen fifty and nineteen ninety; it’s now the third leading cause of death in this age group. Male suicide is four times that of females among Americans of all ages. Dr. C. Wayne Sells, a specialist with the Department of Pediatrics at the University of California says that the major causes of mortality and morbidity among teenagers has shifted from infectious to behavioral etiologies. Young people actually have more to fear from their own behavior than from disease!
A Danish study demonstrated that boys who suffered both birth complications and early childhood separation or rejection were most likely to become adult violent offenders.
The National Association of School Psychologists estimates that in the United States, one hundred sixty thousand children miss school every day because they fear being bullied.
Inside the educational system:
-Boys are twice as likely as girls to be labeled learning disabled;
-Boys make up sixty seven per cent of “special education”classes;
-Boys are up to ten times more likely to be diagnosed with serious emotional disorders, especially Attention Deficit Disorder.
Outside the educational system:
-Boys rates of depression are shockingly high, they’re four to six times more likely to commit suicide, and three times more likely than girls to be victimized by violent crime.
The American Medical Association determined that one in ten boys has been kicked in the groin by age sixteen (one fourth of which caused injury). Most boys don’t tell their parents and within a year of the injury about twenty five per cent of them showed signs of depression. These boys didn’t consider a kick in the groin to be simply a routine part of boyhood – it really bothered them. They felt shame and were disturbed by the violence, but felt they couldn’t talk about these feelings.
These statistics and studies can be found in William Pollack’s insightful and provocative book called, Real Boys: Rescuing Our Sons from the Myths of Boyhood (1998) (Real Boys). The first time I heard of William Pollack was on an Oprah Winfrey show that came about in response to recent school shootings perpetrated by grammar school to high school age boys. Pollack explained that, “… boys don’t cry tears, they cry bullets.” I was taken by this because it fit with what I had always believed as a feminist – that sexism, with it’s inherent and inappropriate stereotypical gender roles, harms boys as much as girls. Real Boys has eloquently validated my gut belief.
Pollack is a clinical psychologist and co-director of the Center for Men at McLean Hospital, an assistant clinical professor of psychiatry at Harvard Medical School, and a founding member and Fellow of the Society for the Psychological Study of Men and Masculinity of the American Psychological Association. Much of Real Boys was taken from a recent study by Pollack and his colleagues at Harvard Medical School called, “Listening to Boys’Voices.” Much of this research supports his experience as a psychologist with men and adolescents boys.
According to Pollack, boys are in a desperate crisis. Even normal boys are being confused by societal mixed messages about what’s expected of masculinity. This has resulted in many boys who have a sense of disconnection and sadness that they aren’t likely to have the ability to name. Recent research shows that boys aren’t doing as well in school as they had before, and when compared to girls. Boys self-esteem has recently been found to be remarkably low with rates of depression and suicide that are rising in a frightening manner.
Pollack says despite feeling desperately lonely and afraid, boys hide behind a mask of masculinity that hides their true feelings in order to present an image of toughness, stoicism, and strength. Behind the mask of masculinity is the shame and trauma of separation They’re held captive in gender straightjackets that limits their emotional range and even their ability to think and behave as freely and openly as they could. By perpetuating these macho stereotypes, society is judging boys behavior against outmoded notions of masculinity that lack relevance in today’s world. Most of us are at a disadvantage talking about boys because all our views have been distorted by the societal myths we’ve internalized. These powerful stereotypes affect boys in profound ways; they hinder their development and their ability to function optimally. They affect our parenting of boys and our relationships with them.
Pollack believes that boys are separated emotionally from their mothers prematurely (usually around six and again in adolescence) because mothers are expected to “cut the apron strings” that connect her to her son and with his family. This forced premature separation is so common that it seems normal. As early as age five or six, boys are expected to be independent in situations they aren’t ready to handle, such as school or camp.
Teenage boys are given a second shove into new schools, competitive
sports, jobs, dating, travel, and more before many are ready. In the teen years society also becomes concerned and confused about the mother-son relationship. We’re unsure about how intimate a mom should be with her sexually mature son. As a result, parents are encouraged by society to push boys away from their families, especially the nurturing female realm. Society believes this separation is needed and good for boys; if they aren’t pushed out of the nest they’ll never fly.
Pollack thinks that both sexes should be allowed to separate from their mothers and families at their own natural pace. Boys will make the leap when they’re ready and will do it better if they feel there is someone there to catch them in case they fall. We have expected them to be independent of the family too abruptly, with too little preparation, too little emotional support, not enough opportunity to express their feelings, and frequently without the option of going back or changing course. We frequently don’t tolerate stalling or whining because it’s believed that this disconnection is essential for boys to “make the break” in order to become men. Pollack thinks this separation is so profoundly harmful to boys that he calls it an emotional trauma. We don’t expect the same of girls, and if we treated girls this way, most of us wouldn’t question it’s being traumatic.
Pollack believes that boys have been made to feel ashamed of having feelings of vulnerability and so they mask their emotions and true selves. This unnecessary disconnection from their family, and then from their selves, causes boys to feel alone, helpless, and fearful. Society’s prevailing myths leave no room for such emotions, as a result boys feel they’re not measuring up. They don’t have a way to talk about their perceived failure, and thus feel shame, but aren’t able to talk about either feelings. As a boy internalizes society’s hardened image of masculinity, he looses touch with himself because his sensitivity is forced to submerge. At the very same time, modern society exerts contradictory expectations of being sensitive in relationships. They’re told they need to be “new men,” show respect for girls, share their feelings, and shed their “macho” assumptions about male power. The double standard says be sensitive nice “New Age” guys, but still be cool aloof dudes. They’re confused about how to be manly, yet empathic, cool but open, and strong yet vulnerable. Society facilitates these messages through what Pollack calls, the Boy Code, that is so ingrained in society that it’s invisible. All behavioral qualities we normally attribute to girls, empathy, sensitivity, and compassion – are also basis male traits. The use of shame in the toughening up process gives boys the message to be ashamed and guilty about feelings of vulnerability, weakness, fear, and despair.
At birth and for several months afterward, boys are actually more emotionally expressive than girl babies. Researchers showed that twenty one month old boys have well developed natural, hard wired abilities to feel empathy for others who are in pain. By age five or six most of this emotional expressiveness has been forced underground and they’re much less likely to express hurt or distress to parents or teachers. They’re far less attuned to feelings of hurt and pain in others, and began to loose their capacity to express their own emotions in words.
Society’s pressure to avoid feelings and behaviors that might bring them shame pushes them to wear a mask of bravado – this self-hardening process is what makes boys violent. Most violent behavior is and always has been the work of males, both cross-culturally and trans-historically because anger has been the only emotion acceptable for males. Boys phobia about revealing their shame leads them to overcompensate by showing the opposite. Throughout boyhood the strings are pulled tighter and tighter so that either the straightjacket snaps or the boy does.
This shaming of boys for emotionality is controlling, pervasive and corrosive to their spirits. The process of shame-hardening includes: discipline, toughening up, acting like a “real man”, being independent, keeping emotions in check with powerful phrases like – “big boys don’t cry,” and threats about being seen as a “mama’s boy.” Even when these messages aren’t said directly, they dominate the subtle way boys are treated and as a result, how they come to perceive of themselves.
Even when girls feel their voices stifled in public, they generally feel comfortable speaking in private to one another about their pain and insecurity. Despite boys seeming bravado they find it hard to express their genuine selves even with friends and family. No matter how loud they brag about their abilities, boys may not be expressing what’s really in their hearts and souls. It’s a common joke that males don’t reach out for directions when they’re lost. It’s not funny that many boys feel they can’t reach out for the emotional compass they desperately need.
Girls are sensitive to shame, but boys are shame-phobic; they’re exquisitely, yet unconsciously, attuned to any signal of “loss of face” and will do about anything it takes to avoid shame. Rather than expose themselves to potent embarrassment, they engage in a variety of behaviors that range from avoiding dependency to impulsive action, from bravado and rage-filled outbursts to intense violence.
Pollack claims that when boys “act out” by using disorderly conduct, they’re dealing with the pain of separation and shame. He believes that an overwhelming number of elementary school boys diagnosed with conduct disorders or with attention deficit disorder are misbehaving, not because they have a biological imbalance or deficit, but because they’re seeking attention to replace the void left by being separated from their parents. Problems paying attention or regulating impulses may not be “faulty wiring” or “testosterone poisoning,” but accumulated emotional wounds and years of paralyzing shame. Boys aggressiveness and violence is often expressing something far from a macho desire for power or vindication, but a longing to be nurtured, listened to, and understood. They need to engage in all the needy, dependent behaviors they’ve been told are girl-like and forbidden. The diagnosis of hyperactivity is frequently made on the basis of a check list of behaviors that in reality reflect boys grief over loosing emotional connection – a loss that cannot be fully expressed or mourned, but expresses itself through action and anger. Through the language of these behaviors, boys are trying to give us a wake up call to their pain and desperation. Their feelings will not be cured with medications or behavior modification.
What “real” boys really need from infancy forward – and what mothers in their hearts are longing to offer – is complete and unconditional empathy and understanding for a full range of their emotions. When boys become hardened, they become willing to endure emotional and physical pain – even to risk their lives, if it means winning approval of their peers. They can become so hardened that they are literally anesthetized against the pain they are coping with.
The phrase “boys will be boys” actually says they’re prisoners of their biology, that their behavior is pre-determined and an inherent part of their nature. “Typical” boy behavior is assumed to involve insensitivity and risk-taking. Sadly, “… boys will be boys” is not used when a boy sits with a dying parent, feels guilty for breaking up with a girlfriend, or gives his crying mom a hug.
Pollack’s research shows that in adolescence boys are ambivalent about becoming men because of mixed massages about masculinity from society, peers, and their families. They are told to be cool, confidant, and strong, and at the same time, egalitarian, sensitive, and open with feelings. They’re unsure whether becoming a man is going to be such a great experience. They might not see role models that appeal to them or that they feel is within their reach. Models might include men who were either slaved at hated jobs in order to support a family, or that ran away from family responsibilities all together. The confusion boys feel is hidden beneath macho posturing and under the weight of all of our misconceptions of toxicity about boys.
Failing to talk to teenage boys about what’s bothering them forces them to separate rather than giving them support as they learn to individuate. For some boys, retreat behind their mask can be so complete and consistent that it becomes hardened and fixed. Some may eventually find themselves unable to remove the mask and actually loose touch with their own genuine feelings.
The mask makes it hard to discuss sexuality, and masculinity’s double standard pushes boys to prove themselves sexually, and then castigates them when they do. What’s worse this makes it more likely that a boy might take risks with alcohol or drugs. The mask makes it appear that everything is fine and may prevent parents from seeing (or accepting) that a boy is in fact already taking risks with drugs and alcohol to numb painful emotions.
When boys do adopt the required macho behaviors, many boys find that rather than being admired for their manly comportment, they’re actually rebuffed or rebuked. The result is adolescent boys who are on the defensive, sensing that others see them as insensitive, violent, and uncaring. These conflicting messages leave boys open to learning disabilities, severe depression and impulse and compulsive behaviors that range from substance abuse to unsafe sex, from acting out, violence or suicide. One teenage boy said it well, “People act like guys my age are up to no good half the time.” Another teen relates, “I guess it’s hard being a guy because there are so many things that a normal person would do, that you’re not allowed or expected to do.” Adolescence is about individuation not separation. Teens want to discover a mature self in the context of loving relationships – stretching their psychological umbilical cord rather than severing it.
Pollack sees violence as the final link in the chain that begins with disconnection. Violence is about shame and honor. For many boys failing to “know how to fight” or refusing to fight when challenged – may be seen as disgraceful, as a sign of dubious masculinity. Striking out against others who are weaker, younger, or less skilled is about respecting the Boy Code rules that require him to do everything possible to protect their honor and prevent shame. Ironically, violence in boys also sometimes represents a vain attempt to reconnect with others, to make and keep friends, either by impressing peers, helping other boys to beat up another kid, or actually joining a gang. Violence may give some boys a false impression that they’re somehow closer to another boy; they actually have a sense of bonding through individual or collective acts of violence.
Pollack thinks that today’s bully is often, but not always, tomorrows violent offender. On the other hand, sometimes the quiet victim, the shy loner, or the troubled bystander suddenly turns violent in an unexpected eruption of rage. Pollack believes that shame is what makes a boy snap. When enough shame collects inside him – when he feels disconnected, unpopular, less than masculine, maybe even hated – the boy tries to master his feelings and reconnect with others through violence. There is generally a triggering event for any violent act – a threat, a betrayal, or an insupportable loss. A boy’s risk for violence is often fueled by a reservoir of anger, fear, and shame, that gradually accumulated over the years since the trauma of separation from his parents.
While observing boys surrounding violent video/computer games, Pollack noted that as they watched the mayhem, other than a loud “yes” when a player got an enemy, there wasn’t much talking between the boys. They appeared entranced by the screen. The odd contrast he noted was that the boys seemed very connected to one another, were supportive of the player, and non-judgmental about his performance – in other words they were behaving very differently than the “big boys” on the screen! Pollack posits that the reason boys like play revolving around frontier, outer space, and war games is because they’re admired for physical strength and emotional courage and ridiculed for physical weakness and emotional vulnerability.
Research at the National Institutes of Mental Health found that when kids watch kindness on TV they imitate it. Surely they’ll also imitate James Bond, the Terminator, Freddie Kruger, Beavis, or Darth Vader. Boys who watch a great deal of violence become desensitized to it and it seems like a “normal” part of life and does heighten the possibility that they will tolerate violence among their friends or from themselves. Despite recent connections made between violence in movies and violence done by young people, Pollack warns against making a direct link to media violence and the inclination to personal violence. Sometimes exposure to media violence can satiate a natural appetite for it. Actually witnessing violence may frighten and even sicken or repel a boy and turn him away from it. Pollock doesn’t believe that a boy who is connected and loved and who is in a safe setting where he can express his emotions will be motivated to violence by that seen in the media.
Pollack’s Solutions & Tips
Pollack recommends we teach boys to release pent up anger and aggression through catharsis in a warm caring presence. Give them permission in an appropriate private space to vent his feelings openly and with inhibition. In your presence, invite them to scream, shout, cry, or voice whatever they need to as loudly or as vigorously as they need to purge painful feelings. Punching pillows or muffing sounds with a pillow can be used if noise is an issue.
Violence prevention will be found in connection with friends, family, and parents. A boy who’s cared about will be more likely to care about others. When boys feel empathy for others and diminished personal shame, they can feel less shame about their own vulnerabilities and are less likely to commit violence. Boys need “violent-free zones” where they can safely remove their masks and speak about violence and fighting without fear of suffering shame, belittlement or retaliation.
Sports and non-violent high energy physical activity can be a transformative healthy expression of feelings as long as strict limits are set and proper safety equipment is utilized. It offers boys a positive healthy way to express a wide range of emotions, bond as friends, and boost their self-esteem; violence is a futile attempt to obtain similar these social benefits they desperately need. We must teach them that power need not mean power over others, but power with others. To do this we need to acknowledge the pain they’ve suffered, allow them to speak their feelings, and rid them of the seeds of shame that too often grow into the thorns of violence.
Tips to parents and families:
-Discuss the complexities of adolescence honestly
-Make regular “dates” with your son
-Don’t wait to talk to him about sex, drugs, or other tricky subjects
-Provide frequent affirmations
-Show that you understand the adolescent crucible, share you own adolescent feelings of vulnerability
-Listen empathetically
-Make your home a safe place
-Give boys your undivided attention at least once a day
-Encourage the expression of a full range of emotions
-When a boy expresses vulnerable feelings, avoid teasing or taunting him
-Avoid using shaming language
-Look beyond anger, aggression, and rambunctiousness
-Express you love and empathy openly and generously
-Let boys know they don’t need to become “sturdy oaks”
-Create a model of masculinity that’s broad and inclusive
To mothers:
-Talk openly about the Boy Code and teach others about the problem of the Boy Code
-Teach your son about masculinity by talking about men you love and why you love them
-Rotate parenting responsibilities
-When your son is hurting, don’t hesitate to ask him whether he’d like to talk
-Avoid shaming your boy if he refuses to talk, honor his need for timed-silence
-When your boy seeks reconnection, try your best to be there for him
-Experiment with connection through action
-Don’t hold back
To fathers:
-Stay attached no matter what and reconnect after separation
-Stand by mom
-Remember it’s who he is rather than what he does
-Develop your own style of fatherhood
-Don’t be a policeman dad
-Show, rather than tell
-Be aware of your own “father longings”
-Real men show emotions