Letter to Donna: How to Make Fellated Chicken
1990
De Paul University
Writing from the Inside
Teacher: Zoe Keithley
Revised: February 14, 1996
The Wonder Chef
1730 Saute Slope
Deviled Grape, IL 60000
De De Donna McGee
64 Primadonna Ave
Frappeville, IL 61111
Dear Donna:
How to Make Fellated Chicken …
Dear Donna:
I am writing this to tell you how to make fellated chicken.
This is a dish I learned to make when I was only 14 years old, can you imagine that?
Supplies & Ingredients: (Be prepared)
1. One pound chicken breasts (this is not mandated by any law or anything, I just like the white meat; you may use the slimy, fatty dark meat if you really must).
2. Three columns (vertical) saltine crackers (you know those cylindrical, square-shaped, waxed paper packages they come in). No need to add salt – see!
3. One rolling pin (or you could use the bottom of a glass to smash the crumbs up), but a rolling pin is easier to finesse.
4. Kitchen scissors (you could use the scissors that you cut your hair with, but be sure to wash them off well to remove the cooties).
5. A large piece of newspaper opened up – to smash upon (I suppose you could use a paper bag cut open if you must substitute).
6. One frying pan (it does not need to be very deep, but the wider it is the more pieces you can do at a time and thus save time).
7. Enough oil to cover the bottom of the pan and come up the sides about 1″ (not exactly an inch but very close to it)(I suggest using cooking oil rather than 10-W-30).
8. A large fork to move the chicken around with. Two prongs are ok, you needn’t worry about getting one with three prongs unless, of course, you have three prongs one within easy reach. I just want you to have a sense of prong flexibility.
9. One medium-sized bowl, the size of three oranges put together – picture the size with the mind’s eye.
10. A fork (just a plain old eating or table fork nothing special).
11. Three eggs, large eggs. About one egg for each column of crackers. There is a method to this madness.
12. A little pepper – now I say a little, but feel free to use discretion and free thought here.
13. One electric socket – at least 110 amp service, please.
14. One large bowl (the size of 3 grapefruits put together). I know you like the fruit sizing, don’t you?
15. Paper towels (Vivas are nice – they come in a variety of colors, I can’t remember if they are the “quicker picker uppers” or not).
Now take a deep breath before you begin; a deep cleansing breath helps me to concentrate on a recipe. Free your mind of all other thoughts.
Alas to the preparation. First take the crackers out of the box, before removing them from the package, lay them on the counter and squish them down with your fists. Keep banging at them till they are about the size (each little piece) of a dime. Then, open the package over the piece of newspaper or the paper bag. If you miss the bag you will be sorry because it will make a huge mess and you will be walking barefoot on cracker crumbs until you get time to wash the floor which could be who knows how long.
Now that they are just laying there innocently on the counter, take the rolling pin out, place it upon the dime-sized crumbs, and begin to roll them out until they are the size of a hearing aid battery. Now, you must continually readjust the crumbs so that you don’t miss one leaving it too big (if too big it will then fall off the piece of chicken – this you do NOT want).
When all the crackers are the hearing aid battery size you must put them into the large bowl (the one the size of 3 grapefruits). At this point in the process is when you may add the pepper, using of course, your own discretion. Let them sit there and just kind of adjust to their new shape. Now take the frying pan out of storage, place it on the counter, plug it into the socket (the 110 amp one), pour in the proper oil, and turn on the pan to about hot enough to make the oil just barely bubble, not a major bubbling, this could lead to a major ouchie when you add the chicken if it’s too hot, to begin with. Whew! While the bubbles are doing their thing you can take the medium-sized bowl, put it on the counter right next to the large bowl (the one with the crackers adjusting), and then add 3 eggs; add a little milk… Oh my God, I forgot to put the milk on the list of supplies and ingredients! Dear God, I hope this does not mean you now have to make a trip out to the store just for the damn milk.
A little milk is about enough to spread the eggs out of the way in the middle of the bowl but not more than the eggs – got it? Take the fork, the regular one, and beat up on the eggs and milk until they are as one.
You may now rip the chicken meat off the bone, here’s where the scissors come in, the meat is attached to the bone by cartilage and other tough stuff so you may need to do some operative maneuvers. After the meat is free lay it gently (one piece at a time) on the mound of cracker crumbs, flip it around a little, then get the piece wet with the milk and egg mixture, then place the piece back into the cracker bowl and smash it down, turn it over and smash it again – repeat several times until the crackers crumbs know where they belong.
Now Donna, beware this is the big event that you have been waiting for – it’s time to place the piece of soaked and crumbed chicken into the pan. Use long tongs (the longer the better for safety’s sake) to hold the chicken piece over the oil, take a deep breath and prepare to get back quick, this is just in case you lost track of the oil and its too hot and the sizzling goes out of control and then you could get burned and then you would not be able to finish the recipe and this whole “how to” assignment will be for naught. Whew! So consider yourself warned!
After this first piece is happily and safely doing its thing frying, do the rest of the pieces the same way (the smashing thing) and you will see that the bigger your pan the more pieces you can fry at a time and then the faster you can get out of the kitchen (I always like things that will allow me to get out of the kitchen quick).
Fry each piece till golden brown (God don’t ask me what golden brown is, it just sounds like a good color). Then of course, flip it over with the large double-pronged fork (or you may use the tongs) and do the golden brown thing again on the other side. As they finish cooking throw them on a plate that has several paper towels on it to absorb the grease.
You are allowed to eat this hot, warm, or cold. If you eat it hot then you serve it with mashed potatoes. If you serve it warm you serve it with French fries. If you eat it cold the next day you must serve it with potato salad. Corn is my favorite veggie with it, but I suppose you could possibly have broccoli if you must. (If served with Brussels sprouts let me know and I will leave the country and deny I ever gave you this recipe).
Sincerely,
======================================================================== EDITS:
Hi Sweetie! I’m writing to tell you how to make my newest invention, fellated chicken. No one knows it yet, but you may be corresponding with the future cooking guru of the decade my dear! This recipe will be one in a series devised to meet the unique needs of kitchen-challenged persons. This is a dish I learned to make when I was only fourteen years old, can you imagine that?
Now, take a big deep breath before you begin; a deep cleansing breath helps me to concentrate on a recipe. Free your mind of all non-cooking thoughts.
Alas to the preparation. First, take the crackers out of the box. Before removing them from the cylindrical waxed package, lay them on the counter and squish them down with your fists. Then slam the package down on the counter and keep banging at them until each little piece is about the size of a dime. This aspect of the recipe holds a strong potential for therapeutic expression, so you might also envision your boss’s brains beneath your fists. Now don’t feel any kind of obligation to use this procedure for venting, but if frustrating or angry thoughts arise just feel free after all no harm shall be done.
Then, open the package over the piece of newspaper or the paper bag. If you miss the bag you will be VERY sorry because it will make a huge mess and you will be walking barefoot on cracker crumbs until you get time to wash the floor, which could be who knows how long. Now that they (the dime-size crumbs) are just laying there innocently on the newspaper, on the counter, take the rolling pin out, place it upon the dime-sized crumbs, and begin to roll them out until they are the size of a hearing aid battery. You must continually readjust the crumbs so that you don’t miss one leaving it too big. Pieces left too big will fall off the piece of chicken – this you do NOT want.
When all the crackers are hearing aid battery size you must put them into the large bowl (the one the size of three grapefruits). You are now at the point in the process when you may add the pepper, using of course, your own discretion. Let them sit there and just kind of adjust to their new shape.
Now take the frying pan out of storage, place it on the counter, plug it into the socket (the 110 amp one), pour in the proper oil and turn on the pan to about hot enough to make the oil just barely bubble, not a major bubbling, this could lead to a major ouchie when you add the chicken if it’s too hot, to begin with. Whew! While the bubbles are doing their thing you can take the medium-sized bowl, put it on the counter, right next to the large bowl (the one with the crackers doing their size-adjusting thing), and then add three eggs; add a little milk…Oh my God, I forgot to put the milk on the list of supplies and ingredients!
Dear God, I hope this doesn’t mean you now have to make a trip out to the store just for the damn milk. A little milk is about enough to spread the eggs out of the way in the middle of the bowl, but not more than the eggs – got it? Take the fork, the regular one, and beat up on the eggs and milk until they are as one. (What you chose to envision while performing this beating is up to you, but as you can see this recipe does indeed have the potential to provide for the dissipation of a goodly amount of frustration).
You may now rip the chicken meat off the bone. Here’s where the scissors come in, the meat is attached to the bone by cartilage and other tough stuff so you may need to do some operative maneuvers. After the meat has been freed from the bones lay it gently (one piece at a time – only) on the mound of cracker crumbs, and flip it around a little to allow the crumbs to start coalescing with the meat. Next get the piece of meat wet with the milk and egg mixture, then and only then, place the piece back into the cracker bowl and smash it down uniformly, turn it over, and smash it again – repeat several times until the crackers crumbs know where they belong. Can’t you just feel a calm emerging from your being? Oh the joy of having power over poultry.
Now Donna, beware this is the big event that you have been waiting for – it’s time to place the piece of smashed, soaked, and crumbed chicken into the frying pan. Use long tongs (the longer the better for safety’s sake) to hold the chicken piece over the oil, take a deep breath and prepare to get back quick, this is just in case you lost track of the oil and its too hot and the sizzling goes out of control and then you could get burned and then you would not be able to finish the recipe and this whole “how to” assignment will be for naught. Whew! So consider yourself warned!
After this first piece is happily and safely doing its thing frying, do the rest of the pieces the same way (the smashing thing first etc) and you will see that the bigger your pan, the more pieces you can fry at a time and the faster you can get out of the kitchen. I always like things that will allow me to get out of the kitchen quick.
Fry each piece till golden brown. God don’t ask me what golden brown is, it just sounds like a good color don’t you think? Then of course flip over the pieces with the large double-pronged fork (or you may use the tongs) and do the golden brown thing again on the other side. As they finish cooking fling them onto a plate that has several paper towels on it to absorb the grease. You might consider using this action to picture yourself having absolute control over whatever aspects of your life you’re inclined to need control over, do not let moments like this in the kitchen escape from beyond their potential to theraputize yourself, after all, it’s cheap.
About the grease and cholesterol thing. All you have to do is picture your fat cell’s response to cholesterol. It’s very simple, especially when done while listening to classical music. See your cells absorbing only the good cholesterol, really see them now and this recipe can also satisfy your yearning for globular fat molecules without the health risk.
You are allowed to eat this preparation hot, warm, or cold. If you eat it hot, you serve it with mashed potatoes. If warm, you serve it with French fries. If you eat it cold the next day you must serve it with potato salad. Corn is my favorite veggie with it, but I suppose you could possibly have broccoli if you must. If served with Brussels sprouts let me know and I will leave the country and deny I ever gave you this recipe.
Bonna Poteete! Your Friend,
Chef Wonder