1991 Triumph on the Bunny Hill
DePaul School for New Learning
Foundations of New Learning
Teacher: Catherine Marienau
Triumph on the Bunny Hill
Leisure activities are meant to allow us a temporary escape from our work, study and/or responsibilities. It is time when we can hopefully do whatever we choose. Hopefully, it’s a time when we don’t have to worry about time. To some leisure is what we do for fun – it’s an adult term for play. To others, it’s simply relaxation or getting away from routine.
To me, leisure is all of the above but also includes the concept of reflection upon the quality of one’s life. We are frequently so busy fulfilling the role that we think society has cut out for us that we fail to take the time and allow ourselves the personal space to examine just what we are doing with our lives. Leisure time can be a sabbatical for examining the quality of our lives. I used my leisure experience to correlate a new frightening experience, (snow skiing) to the fear of facing life in a single role after spending 14 years in the traditional role of wife, and mother.
To a working mom, who is also a nursing student, leisure might be simply taking a long hot bath after the kid is in bed. Even a McDonald’s hamburger can seem like a magnificent feast if eaten at a leisurely pace without interruptions. Leisure is frequently foreign to superwomen. You sometimes are forced to sit up alone at 3:00 AM just so you can get your thoughts together.
So here you are losing your mind, trying to fulfill the many roles and duties designated to you by society (according to your genital anatomy) and at the same time trying somehow to fit in an identity quest. Just when your last neuron is about to experience a cataclysmic synaptic explosion your darling husband says that the two of you don’t do anything fun together! There you were foolish enough to have been thinking – survival.
He wanted to find some common leisure pursuit that we would both like – this was sure to save the marriage! We agreed to try something neither of us had ever done before – so downhill snow skiing it was.
I was terrified to try skiing. It looked dangerous and I was 36 years old for God’s sake. I questioned trying something this risky at my advanced age. I also felt that a major part of my life was at stake – my 14-year marriage. Right from the start this was much more than leisure to me; it was more than getting away from my job, college, and motherhood responsibilities.
So here I go. The ski school said that they grouped people according to ability level, but – I saw those “others” actually ski to the area where the lessons started! I walked there in sheer terror of putting those sticks and boots on my feet. I did not believe that you could have any control over your speed and direction going down a mountain full of slippery snow, let alone with those massive sticks tied to your feet.
The first thing that you learn is to snow plow – boy is that important! You form a triangle with the curved points of the skis together facing down the hill. You use your knees to apply pressure onto the skis to dig into the snow. The amount of pressure applied controls the speed. Wha la – simple! I had no trouble understanding the physics principles involved in how to snow ski – I did have trouble with the fear that I would screw up the well-designed scientific principles and be sorry as hell.
I proceeded with the lessons until we were to start the intermediate hill. My God, that intermediate hill had curves, bumps, and steep inclines that looked more powerful and believable than any scientific logic. At least on the bunny hill, you could see the bottom and if desperate could roll down the hill on your butt if you chickened out.
So, I sat in the lodge paralyzed by fear, disgusted, and disappointed with myself. I was a wimpy woman – a failure. That damn fear and lack of confidence had me at its mercy.
I began to realize that I didn’t like being in a situation where I felt I didn’t have reasonable control. I felt like the mountain had power over me – power over my mind. I slowly, during the 4 days in the lodge watching others ski, came to see that I had similar feelings about other parts of my life. Having the leisure of time to reflect made me realize I had no control over my husband’s “Archie Bunkerism” and the type of marriage that we had. His attitude had taken control over my life. It was just as scary for me to question his status quo opinions as it was to conquer that bunny hill. Both were things that you had to do alone, within your inner self. This time spent alone gave me space to search within for the courage that only I could muster.
When I woke up on the final day of the trip, I decided that I could not leave without trying on my own to see if I could use my newly acquired knowledge about snow skiing. Somehow unconsciously, I sensed this was a “do or die” situation for me.
Most of the people at the resort were on the same package that we were, so that meant that they would all be well beyond the bunny hill by now. That meant that I might have the bunny hill to myself. Well, almost to myself, it was just me and the toddlers – I could deal with them. I stood at the top for quite a few moments talking to God, praying – I was now determined to do it. But I had to do it on my own terms, at my own speed, and without being critiqued as I fell flat on my face. I kept saying loudly in my mind, “I will do this”.
I get goosebumps just remembering that precious moment. I was in the middle of the bunny hill, the tips of my skis were pointed inward, I had just enough pressure on them to make me go slow enough to make it fun without undue fear. I felt the wind blowing past my smiling face, I felt a delightful thrill in my heart and enormous pain in both of my knees. I felt free at that moment, free to dream, to dream of just being me, of finding the me that I somehow lost in the stereotypical role that even I thought I must fulfill. This brief exhilarating feeling that I had not had in so long put me in touch with a spirit within myself that was desperate to express itself.
I don’t know of words descriptive enough to describe the feeling of triumph I felt after getting to the bottom still standing on those sticks. I can tell you that I screamed, I hugged the poker face attendant at the lift (he actually smiled), and I could not wait to get back up the hill to do it again. You really can go 1 mile per hour, you can stop right in the middle of the mountain and you can get down standing on those skis. It is a real thrill. I went home feeling on top of the world – I had achieved a major accomplishment. Knowing this, I somehow also knew, I had other major life hurdles to ski through as well.
The feeling of conquering your own fear is very uplifting. It gives you confidence and enhances your self-esteem. It gives you the courage to think – gee what else could I do that I never thought that I could? This experience made me realize I did have the courage to face who I really was and who I was determined to be regardless of any damn fear. This was much bigger than leisurely learning to ski – this was a major life event for me. It changed how I saw myself. This leisure pursuit ended up being the catalyst for an enormous growth spurt in my life. I realized that my growth was being enormously oppressed living with this type of man. If I could take control of a mountain, surely, I could do whatever I needed to do to find “me” again.
You find determination inside yourself; no one else can give it to you. You hold the power over your own potential. You have the power to get rid of obstacles in the way of your growth – whether it’s an Archie Bunker husband or overcoming the fear of snow skiing.
I still snow ski. Each time I’m on top of a mountain, in control, I experience not only the fun of skiing, but I reflect upon how much I’ve grown since then. I now share skiing with my daughter. (To her it’s simple leisure for there wasn’t any fear involved for her – she just plowed on down that mountain right away). I ski with friends now. I even went on a skiing vacation ALONE after getting divorced. (This was done by a woman who previously felt too self-conscious to walk into a restaurant or bar alone). Leisure can help you to put life in a different perspective, it allows you to step back and look at your life while not actually involved in living it. It has provided me with a thoroughly life-enhancing experience that has been a part of my taking the lead in defining my quality of life. I now know you cannot have quality of life without an individual personal identity, even if doing so demands facing fear.